Monday, October 5, 2009

A Cell For Two, Please

Over the past 32 years of my life, I should have been arrested and sent to jail at least a half dozen times. I've driven drunk (Don't judge me. We've all done it once. I'm just admitting my sin), trespassed on federal property, had sex in public a zillion times (including on federal property) and a dozen or so other crimes that should have me wearing stripes while sharing a cell with a woman named Big Mama. But, an hour of screwing around on the internet found me in a lot more trouble than I thought. Did you know it is illegal in Massachusetts for women to be on top during sex? I wonder if I could use this line when we're both tired, but still need to have sex before bed. (Once a junkie, always a junkie) TH decides to be lazy and tosses me up on top. I could tell him we're breaking the law thus entitling me to enjoy this session on my back.

Here a few other ridiculous laws:

In Logan County, Colorado, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she sleeps. But, I'm sure it's perfectly OK for the guy to shake her awake and say, "'Mornin' Darlin'. How's about a blow job to start the day?"

Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the "ultimate test"-- in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity. Well that just takes all the fun out of shopping together.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife. So, the next time TH and I visit Oregon, he will have to refrain from calling me his dirty fucking whore. They are so unromantic in Oregon.

In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. I'm pretty sure TH isn't Satan. I work with the Prince of Darkness and there is no way in Hell (or out of it) I would consider touching him.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. But look on the bright side, dry humping and wild lesbian action is ok.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! You think I've never had sex in a twin bed? PUH-Leeze. The bed is so passe! So we'll just have sex in the shower, or other floor on the other side of the bed, or against the dresser, or against the wall, or in the chair, or leaning up against the beds or....

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer. But, humping up on a giant frozen turkey is ok.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio - a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" Then all the women should make sure they wax.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. TH is outta luck, but I can bang all the Bass I want. Slippery little suckers.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. I would refer to every man as "Master Bater". Get it. Master Bater. The fifteen year old boy inside of me creeped out on that one.

Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. Instead, you should act like me and scream "Yeah, baby! Give it to her!" I did this in a Boston parking garage after a Bruins game and absolutely mortified TH.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. Why not? I think there should be fireworks accompanied by trumpeting angels and heavenly music.

Of course, every state has laws against anal sex. But, it's just because they're a bunch of homophobes who would rather get it on in an airport bathroom a la Senator Craig. Unlike those of us who are consenting adults and wish to get a little freaky at home or in the car. What is it with politicians and their desire to make laws against sex? It's natural, it's not hurting anyone and if I want to ride TH on a mattress in a mattress store while wearing patent leather shoes as he refers to me as his dirty little bitch I should be allowed to without penalty. What is this world coming to?


  1. I think I have broken most laws in most states. Oh and high five on the federal property sex (I did that a few times myself)!

  2. I'd like to know the stories behind how these laws came about. Except maybe the fish one.

  3. But I only cum when I'm on top! We can always share a cell in Concord when the long arm of the law catches up with us. You'll have to call me Little Mama, though ;)

  4. What better use of morning wood than a sunshine blowjob?

  5. I do like to think of the debates that must have gone on in all these town councils. In fact, there should be tapes made of these kinds of discussions for our merriment.

  6. personally when satan and i get it on, we like to go all natural. so i suppose we'll have to use a dome in bakersville. although we could stand next to a car getting turned on by another couple, sweet!