Friday, October 23, 2009

Toy Of The Month - Jane Fonda Would Be Proud

I love me some exercise. I truly do. Alright, I'm kidding. I'm a big fibber. You know if I could lay around all day like a lazy sloth I would. But, my love of french fries, potato chips and pasta keeps me gasping and sweating every day of the week. As the years creep by, the cellulite is harder and harder to keep at bay.

Well, I also love me some sex. I know, you're shocked. I'll give me a minute to compose yourself.


Better? Okay. Like I was saying, I love me some good loving. Not only do I like to receive, but I like to make sure Big K is a happy boy. So, I make sure I do my Kegels every day for at least 10 minutes. It's not hard to squeeze out a few while I'm slaving away at my desk. It makes Partner #3's horrid tasks bearable. If he only knew what I was doing as I drafted his contracts. Maybe it makes them extra special and gives them luck.

Ladies, if you don't know what your Kegels are or how to exercises them, please click here before I bitch slap you across the face for neglecting one of the most important muscles in your body. I would let my ass dimple up like cottage cheese before I stopped doing my exercises. Gentleman, you owe me a fruit basket for educating the womenfolk on such an important topic.

As with any exercise program, the more you do it, the better you get. I'd become really good at the basic moves, so I decided to up the program. I'd heard there were tools that I could use to make me that much better. So, I contacted my boys at Eden Fantasy's and asked for some help. A few days later, a surprise package (ha! I said package) was in my box (box! Two in one sentence. I am good)

The Ophoria K-balls are a hands-free vaginal exerciser that provides low-key internal vibrations while strengthening the PC muscles. The vibrations are from something very similar to large ball barrings that sit inside each part. It is made of non-porous silicone without any of those nasty phthalates. Don't let it's 4 inches of length put you off. It makes you work.

I was disappointed there were no directions in the packaging. I opened up the box, pulled out the exerciser and thought " what the hell am I suppose to do with this." Not one to back down from a challenge, I made Google my bitch and we sorted it out.

Now, class....follow along with me and try to keep up:

1. Lift one leg up and slowly insert K-BALLS one ball at a time.
2. Squeeze vaginal muscles to keep the balls inside.
3. Keep silicone string accessible externally for easy removal.

They recommend emptying your bladder before your workout. I second that recommendation.

Here are the exercises:

*Sit down on a chair and insert K-BALLS into your vagina. Close your leg after the balls are comfortably in place. Use your vaginal muscles to move the balls back and forth inside your vagina. Difficulty level: easy. This was not comfortable. The exerciser is really rigid and frankly, was pinching in places it shouldn't. Laying down on the bed with your head prompted up was better. I watched a few minutes of " E! True Hollywood Story - Britney Spears" as I worked out.

Stand up and spread your feet shoulder width apart. Insert K-BALLS and hold them inside your vagina as long as you can. Difficulty level: moderate. Piece of cake. I folded laundry and worked out at the same time.

While squatting spread your feet as far apart as is comfortable. Without using any other muscles (i.e. stomach and legs), use your vaginal muscles to hold and/or move K-BALLS inside your vagina. Do not let the K-BALLS slip out. Difficulty level: challenging. This would have been easier if I didn't laugh every time I tried to squat. The whole thing struck me as hilariously funny and I kept picturing Big K walking in on my work out.

I can't really say I received any sexual pleasure from the workout. But, I did feel tired in that area and also almost wet my pants that night. It was my fault. I tired out my poor PC muscles just like if overworked myself at the gym. It is recommended you work for 10 minutes at a time. I fooled around with it for an hour.

On a scale from 1-10, (10 being the highest) here are the ratings.

Strength of vibrations: 2
Ease of use: 10 (It's what you make of it)
Water Play: n/a
Quietness: 10 (Totally silent)
Power Use: none needed!
Cleaning Ease: 10 (I even put it in the dishwasher)

If I got to pick again, I would have chosen the exerciser without the ribs. It would have been less ridged and much more comfortable to insert. It is an excellent beginners toy and I would recommend it to anyone desiring a challenge.

Sadly, Big K hasn't noticed the difference. I need to up my program to 15 minutes now. Go get one, lovers. Newton John....we'll all be getting physical.


  1. Now, that was instructional. When I was having kids, like eighty bigillions years ago, doing your kegel exercises were like ordered from your OB/GYN. If you had a real good doctor (and I did)you could ask for a little extra knot when they sewed up your episiotomy.

  2. Mine are a completely different brand, but I freakin' love them. And they work. Kegels hit a whole new level of fun and amusement when I purchased my pair.

    I love reading your reviews. So hilarious. I wonder if I could get an NZ company to fork over some goods?

  3. Lovely. But seriously, I am so uptight if I exercised my Kegels at all, I fear I would hurt my man.

  4. I've got similar balls (hehe), had them for years and have no idea what they're called, but they seem to be along the same lines.

    I never remember to use them, so my love muscles thank you for the reminder ;)