Who The Hell Is Dorothy?

Email is a modern marvel. It's also a damn nuscience. It allows you to communicate with someone three feet away without uttering a word. It also allows the same someone to bother you when you refuse to pick up the phone when they call. It makes it possible to deliver files, photos and documents without getting up off your ass. It also makes it possible for people to demand items instantaneously. I love to hate email.

Not only do I have 4 personal email addresses, I also have my own business email address and monitor 5 other associate addresses, not including the firms business email address. In short, I get alot of fucking email. Even with spam blockers, junk email folders and unsubscribing from every God forsaken list I never signed up to be on, somehow I still manage to average 500 + emails a day. I finally turned off the alert sound as it was averaging a "Ping" every 10 - 15 seconds and slowly persuading me to hurl my computer out my office window.

Efficiency experts tell you to check your email every 15 minutes - not every time you receive a message. Well, I love to get mail. Snail mail, UPS, FedEx and email. Give it all to me, baby. It kills me to wait the 15 minutes. Good or bad, I want to see what the message says. 10% of the time its from someone I don't want anything to do with, 10% of the time its someone I'll deal with and 80% of the time it's spam. - ads for penile enlargements, dating websites, pharmaceuticals, business card promos and coupons. I don't know where they get my email address, but every morning my in-box is flooded. I confess, I do like the penis ads. (Don't judge me). Some of those guys are cute. Just because they have a limp doodle, doesn't mean they don't need some love.

Lately I've noticed some emails directed to a woman named Dorothy. To my knowledge, we've never had a woman named Dorothy working for the company. But, someone out there in cyberspace seems to know her and really wants to contact her. She's a popular girl. It's too bad she's given everyone my email address instead of her own.

It's strange what you can learn about a person from the emails they receive. Here's what I've learned about Dorothy:

She's unemployed - All the "work at home" company want to hire her. She gets at least 15 emails a day begging her to come "make $500 per day".

She's broke - Debt consolidation firms are chomping to help her. If she wants, she could consolidate her debt down to one low monthly payment. Maybe if she took one of those "work at home" jobs she might be able to pay her bills.

She's knows someone with "equipment issues" - I guess this poor girl isn't getting any rock hard lovin'. Viagra and Cialis are hot to help her with this issue. Only $49.95 for a one month supply. I hope she remembers to have him seek immediate assistance for an erection lasting longer than 3 hours. In my opinion, that's not a problem, it's a gift. Let me see, how many orgasms could I have in 3 hours.....1, 2, 14, 30, 47.....

She's thinking about switching to DirectTV - good for her.

She's single - or married...or maybe just looking for a part-time lover. I'm having a tough time gauging her interest. She receives invites from Match.com, Naughty Housewives Looking For Fun, and a plethora of others. I'm intrigued by her willingness to experiment.

She keeps winning the UK lotto - I wish she would just send the guy in Nigeria her bank account number. Then she wouldn't be so broke.

She's thinking about moving - She seems open to moving anywhere - condo in Washington DC or a beach house in Miami. Price doesn't seem to be a issue. All the Realtors are sending her properties.

Dorothy, if you're out there, I hope you find what your looking for. When you finally collect your Lotto winnings and buy that condo in Long Beach, send me a postcard. I hope your friend gets a woody and you find that special someone on Match.com. I'd stay away from Naughty Housewives. Those girls look like trouble. Good luck to you.

Oh, and by the way, STOP USING MY EMAIL ADDRESS, BITCH!