Shopping For Knocker Holders

I don't believe there is a woman out there who enjoys bra shopping. Big, little, small, ginormous....no matter the size of the TaTa's, bra shopping is one step up from a trip to the gynecologist. That form of humiliation only lasts 5 minutes. Bra shopping can last for hours - sweating in a dressing room as you twist yourself into impossible positions trying to fit a 1/2 inch hook into a 1/2 eyelet. Did I mention we have to do this behind our backs. Sure, we can get the front clasp version. I don't know about you, but those things pinch.

Unlike the women with beautiful, bouncing breasts who can sashay into any lingerie store and find the perfect bra, I was given a perky set of A cups and a 38 inch rib cage with lat muscles. I have a better chance of scoring with Bradley Cooper (FYI - he's my fantasy man this week. YUM!) than finding a bra in my size. The only reason I wear a bra - other than the embarrassing "high beam" issue - is to create the illusion of boobs. That's right, bras give me boobs. You heard it here first.

Because Victoria's Secret only caters to the beautiful people, I have to shop at Lady Grace. That's right, I shop at the old lady lingerie store. The store where the bras are unsexy and the nightgowns are floor-length and flannel. Every time I set foot in the store, I am the youngest person by 30 years - that includes the sales ladies.

Two weekends ago, I decided I really needed new bras. I had been switching between two - a gray (formerly cream) Miracle Bra with one strap held together by a safety clip and a black lace demi cup that was missing a gel pack from the left cup. Thankfully, I am married and the only time he sees me in a bra is in the morning before he's put his contacts in. I may cry over a water speck on a suede pump, but I'll wear a bra with no elastic. Yup. That's my little slice of white trash.

I walked into Lady Grace, shuffled by a 400 year old woman looking at slips (does anyone really wear a slip anymore) and walked up to the counter. The sales lady - who I swear could have been my 1st grade teacher - looked up at me and cocked her head in surprise. I'm guessing I didn't look like her usual customer. I was dressed in Uggs, ripped jeans and a down vest. I had on a NFL Hockey baseball cap and was just finishing up a text on my Blackberry. The dinosaur looking at the slips was glaring at me through her cataracts.

I'm a real sweetheart when it comes to retail folks. People love to wait on me. I'm quick, I get to the point and I tell them exactly what I need. This is what I told the confused sales lady:

"I need a 38A bra that will give me some boobs but doesn't look like an Ace bandage."

No sooner than you could utter "Boobs" this fabulous woman - who I have now dubbed "The Bra Fairy" - whisked me to the back of the store, tossed me in a dressing room and said, "Take off your top. I'll be right back".

I stood naked from the waist up, not quite sure what to expect. All of a sudden, I heard a bit of rustling and the Bra Fairy chirped, "Try these" as a waterfall of brassieres rained down from the top of the dressing room door. Every 15 seconds or so, she would toss another over the top. I could barely get my arms in the straps before more would cascade down. I was admiring myself in a beautiful violet satin push up when she came up to the door and said, "What about this?" I looked up and oogled as she popped a black lace bustier over the top. Where the hell was she finding this stuff? I didn't see anything like this when I came in and I'm sure Ole T-Rex out front wouldn't approve. I smiled and told her it was adorable, but not what I was looking for. The rain of bras continued until I was able to find five that fit perfectly. Um....Bradley....I'm waiting.

As the Bra Fairy was checking me out, I said "I have to ask you. Where did all these bras come from? I've been in here numerous times and all I can ever find is stuff that looks like it comes from the 1950's"

She smiled and nodded, "You just need to know where to look, dear"

Oh please. This woman has a stash out back. I'm sure if I'd asked her for the latest Rocco movie and a case of lube, she'd get it for me. I bet she's got some crotchless panties and some leather S&M masks hiding in a drawer, just waiting for the right customers.

To the Bra Fairies at Lady Grace, I applaud you! It takes amazing skill to look like a kindergarten teacher and peddle panties! My boobs and I thank you from the top of the nipple to the bottom of the breast.