Well, Lovers. We made it thru another week. This is for your BBQ weekend. It's one of my favorite ORIGINAL recipes. Yup, that's right. It's mine. Paula Dean, I know you secretly read my website and I'm just telling ya not to grab this for yourself. Besides, there is no butter in it.
Szechuan Noodle Salad
3 cups of cooled noodles (I use a thin spaghetti)
1/3 cup of thinly sliced scallions (both white and green parts)
2 large carrots, peeled into long strips
4 teaspoons of toasted sesame seeds
1/2 cup of pineapple juice
3 Tablespoons of vinegar
3 Tablespoons soy sauce
3 teaspoons toasted sesame oil
2 teaspoons of vegetable oil
2 teaspoons of honey
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon of garlic powder
hot sauce to taste (I use Sriracha)
salt and pepper
Method
In a large bowl, combine noodles, carrots, scallions and sesame seeds. In a small bowl, combine remaining ingredients and whisk well to incorporate. Add mixture to noodles and toss well to coat. Chill for several hours or overnight, stirring several times. Stir well before serving.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Facts and My Reflections
The internet is a fabulous, dirty place. I'm an information junkie. Okay. Let me rephrase....I am a information junkie as long as it's the kind of information not brought up in professional or high class environments. I also enjoy a random, totally mindless, completely irrelevant fact - Did you know Vasco De Gama sailed around the tip of Africa to India? I learned this pointless tidbit in 5th grade and have been unable to get rid of the information. I am a wealth of trivial trivia! (say that 4 times fast). Don't sit next to me at a cocktail party. You will leave much more informed and a hellava lot horrified.
Fact #1. During sweaty sex, men ooze testosterone. And it's actually a biological turn on for women!
Ahem....I do not want anyone to "ooze" anything all over me. It's bad enough trying to get cum out of your hair.
Fact #2. There's almost 500 different types of bacteria in your mouth. Almost 50% of them live on your tongue.
I'm over it. If I'm going to put a penis in my mouth, I'm not worried about tongue bacteria.
Fact # 3. One out of seventeen, or 400,000,000 people have sex a day. 4,000 people are doing it right now!
I just finished - wait a minute...is this sex with other people or sex with yourself. I'm confused. I need to Google.
Fact# 4. The hotter the room, the fiercer the orgasm. Vasocongestion, or the heat flush on your skin, is akin to blushing from sex.
I have decided to keep the temperature on the cool side. (See Fact #1) We're trying to prevent the "ooze"
Fact # 5. The pelvic spasms caused by an orgasm actually move sperm up stream towards fertilizing your eggs.
I really wish I could un-learn this.
Fact #6. Seventy-three-percent of 70-year-old men are still potent.
There is still hope for me and Sean Connery!!!!
Fact# 7. The endorphins released during sex actually relieve a headache.
It's called falling asleep!
Fact #8. Back in 1609, Dr. Wecker found a dead man with two peckers! Since, 80 cases of double headers have been reported.
I bet these guys had their hands down their pants 24/7.
Fact #9. You can go from zero to 60 fast! The fastest speed a sexy sensation can travel from your va-jay-jay to your brain has been clocked at the Ferrari-fast speed of 156 mph.
Who is studying this??? Don't we have global warming, cancer and other major disasters to work on? What is wrong with you people.
Fact #10. Erotic asphyxiation didn't just kill INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence. Cutting off oxygen to your brain to feel a strong new sensation during sex causes around 500 American deaths every year.
I'm all for the kinky shit, but this is a little over my head.
Later, Lovers!
Fact #1. During sweaty sex, men ooze testosterone. And it's actually a biological turn on for women!
Ahem....I do not want anyone to "ooze" anything all over me. It's bad enough trying to get cum out of your hair.
Fact #2. There's almost 500 different types of bacteria in your mouth. Almost 50% of them live on your tongue.
I'm over it. If I'm going to put a penis in my mouth, I'm not worried about tongue bacteria.
Fact # 3. One out of seventeen, or 400,000,000 people have sex a day. 4,000 people are doing it right now!
I just finished - wait a minute...is this sex with other people or sex with yourself. I'm confused. I need to Google.
Fact# 4. The hotter the room, the fiercer the orgasm. Vasocongestion, or the heat flush on your skin, is akin to blushing from sex.
I have decided to keep the temperature on the cool side. (See Fact #1) We're trying to prevent the "ooze"
Fact # 5. The pelvic spasms caused by an orgasm actually move sperm up stream towards fertilizing your eggs.
I really wish I could un-learn this.
Fact #6. Seventy-three-percent of 70-year-old men are still potent.
There is still hope for me and Sean Connery!!!!
Fact# 7. The endorphins released during sex actually relieve a headache.
It's called falling asleep!
Fact #8. Back in 1609, Dr. Wecker found a dead man with two peckers! Since, 80 cases of double headers have been reported.
I bet these guys had their hands down their pants 24/7.
Fact #9. You can go from zero to 60 fast! The fastest speed a sexy sensation can travel from your va-jay-jay to your brain has been clocked at the Ferrari-fast speed of 156 mph.
Who is studying this??? Don't we have global warming, cancer and other major disasters to work on? What is wrong with you people.
Fact #10. Erotic asphyxiation didn't just kill INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence. Cutting off oxygen to your brain to feel a strong new sensation during sex causes around 500 American deaths every year.
I'm all for the kinky shit, but this is a little over my head.
Later, Lovers!
Friday, August 5, 2011
It's Kinda Early in the Year, But Cheesecake is Forever.
Happy Friday and bring on the weekend. I need a break because I just spilled an entire cup of coffee in my lap. I'm wearing white, linen pants. I live 20 minutes from my office. I will be spending the afternoon with a semi-wet crotch that smells of Beanstock Roasters Hazelnut.
I have been CRAVING this cheesecake since June. Ordinarily, anything having to do with pumpkin is saved for September. But, this cake would be the perfect ending to a spicy BBQ.
I double the recipe for the crust because I like a whole lotta crust. If you don't, then don't do it. I'm not there holding a gun to your head telling you to make it my way. But, I am secretly watching you.
For the crust
3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled
For the filling
1 1/2 cups solid pack pumpkin
3 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
three 8-ounce packages cream cheese, cut into bits and softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons heavy cream
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 teaspoon vanilla
For the topping
2 cups sour cream
2 tablespoons fine sugar
Make the crust:
In a bowl combine the cracker crumbs, the pecans, and the sugars, stir in the butter, and press the mixture into the bottom and 1/2 inch up the side of a buttered 9-inch springform pan. Chill the crust for 1 hour.
Make the filling:
In a bowl whisk together the pumpkin, the egg, the cinnamon, the nutmeg, the ginger, the salt, and the brown sugar. In a large bowl with an electric mixer cream together the cream cheese and the granulated sugar, beat in the cream, the cornstarch, the vanilla, the bourbon liqueur, and the pumpkin mixture, and beat the filling until it is smooth.
Pour the filling into the crust, bake the cheesecake in the middle of a preheated 350°F. oven for 50 to 55 minutes, or until the center is just set, and let it cool in the pan on a rack for 5 minutes.
Make the topping:
In a bowl whisk together the sour cream and sugar
Spread the sour cream mixture over the top of the cheesecake and bake the cheesecake for 5 minutes more. Let the cheesecake cool in the pan on a rack and chill it, covered, overnight. Remove the side of the pan and garnish the top of the cheesecake with the pecans.
(The original recipe HERE uses bourbon and pecans. I'm not a liquor/nut person in my dessert. So I omitted)
Enjoy!! - and send me a piece.
I have been CRAVING this cheesecake since June. Ordinarily, anything having to do with pumpkin is saved for September. But, this cake would be the perfect ending to a spicy BBQ.
I double the recipe for the crust because I like a whole lotta crust. If you don't, then don't do it. I'm not there holding a gun to your head telling you to make it my way. But, I am secretly watching you.
Pumpkin Cheesecake with Sour Cream Topping
(from Epicurious.com)
For the crust
3/4 cup graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
1/4 cup granulated sugar
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled
For the filling
1 1/2 cups solid pack pumpkin
3 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
three 8-ounce packages cream cheese, cut into bits and softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons heavy cream
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 teaspoon vanilla
For the topping
2 cups sour cream
2 tablespoons fine sugar
Make the crust:
In a bowl combine the cracker crumbs, the pecans, and the sugars, stir in the butter, and press the mixture into the bottom and 1/2 inch up the side of a buttered 9-inch springform pan. Chill the crust for 1 hour.
Make the filling:
In a bowl whisk together the pumpkin, the egg, the cinnamon, the nutmeg, the ginger, the salt, and the brown sugar. In a large bowl with an electric mixer cream together the cream cheese and the granulated sugar, beat in the cream, the cornstarch, the vanilla, the bourbon liqueur, and the pumpkin mixture, and beat the filling until it is smooth.
Pour the filling into the crust, bake the cheesecake in the middle of a preheated 350°F. oven for 50 to 55 minutes, or until the center is just set, and let it cool in the pan on a rack for 5 minutes.
Make the topping:
In a bowl whisk together the sour cream and sugar
Spread the sour cream mixture over the top of the cheesecake and bake the cheesecake for 5 minutes more. Let the cheesecake cool in the pan on a rack and chill it, covered, overnight. Remove the side of the pan and garnish the top of the cheesecake with the pecans.
(The original recipe HERE uses bourbon and pecans. I'm not a liquor/nut person in my dessert. So I omitted)
Enjoy!! - and send me a piece.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I Want To Be An Auntie Boozebag When I Grow Up
Life has not been kind to me lately, Lovers. The office has been a drag and more often than not, I leave there cranky and two clicks away from full bitch. I have come to find solice in food (which explains my expanding tush) and cooking dinner has become a soothing sedative.
On the other hand, shopping for ingredients is a nightmare. I LOVE Peterson's Market in Yarmouth Port. Their butcher shop is first rate. Sure, the parking lot is kinda scary. Some of the people there may need to revisit their driving test since the last one they took was in a horse and buggy. Including the old lady who drove thru the front doors a few months ago. But, who doesn't like to play a game of Frogger (you're the frog) when going from your car to the front door - which has been expertly repaired and outfitted with those reinforced steel posts - just in case someone confuses the brake and the gas pedal again.
So, back to my foul mood.
I was strolling down the dairy aisle after picking up some Sweet Heat Sirloin Tips (Holy Lindsay Lohan they're good) and trying to remember if we needed orange juice. (We did, I thought we didn't). I decided the only way I was ever going to get out of my funk was a threesome with Ben & Jerry. As I circled and headed Northeast towards the cooler where my boys were chilling, I heard the most infectious, cackling laugh followed by a smokey voice exclaiming "You've gotta see this." I looked up to see a fabulously dressed woman holding a pint of ice cream and gesturing toward her friends - three equally fashionable ladies. (I have to note their appearance because it is a rarity to see a woman in her 50's or 60's, in Peterson's dressed in anything but a sweatsuit or a housecoat). Smokey Voice showed the pint to her friends and they all began to laugh. I peered up over the top of the cooler and smiled politely when our eyes met.
She strode over to me and said "You just have to look at this."
I looked down at the pint (Ben & Jerry's, of course) and read the name of the flavor:
I looked back at her, wide eyed.
She said, "I know! You thought so too!" (EDITORS NOTE: The name has been since changed to What a Cluster) Then she proceeded to laugh, her friends and then myself joining in with her.
Holding bottles of wine, the fabulous foursome meticulously scoured the cooler selection for the perfect flavor. "Gay Head Ginger" by Cape Cod Creamery evoked another round of pealing laughter. I eagerly joined the ruckus. They told me they were were spending time together and had done this for years. Their family referred to them as the "Auntie Boozebags". They referred to themselves as the "The Contessas".
I left the store with a smile on my face and a the proverbial bounce in my step. Ladies, you have renewed my faith in my future. I have always feared my midlife - afraid I might become stale. Thank you for brightening my day. Everytime I walk into the market, I listen for your laughter and hope to see your smiling faces. To The Contessas (aka Auntie Boozebags), you are utterly fabulous and my idols.
On the other hand, shopping for ingredients is a nightmare. I LOVE Peterson's Market in Yarmouth Port. Their butcher shop is first rate. Sure, the parking lot is kinda scary. Some of the people there may need to revisit their driving test since the last one they took was in a horse and buggy. Including the old lady who drove thru the front doors a few months ago. But, who doesn't like to play a game of Frogger (you're the frog) when going from your car to the front door - which has been expertly repaired and outfitted with those reinforced steel posts - just in case someone confuses the brake and the gas pedal again.
So, back to my foul mood.
I was strolling down the dairy aisle after picking up some Sweet Heat Sirloin Tips (Holy Lindsay Lohan they're good) and trying to remember if we needed orange juice. (We did, I thought we didn't). I decided the only way I was ever going to get out of my funk was a threesome with Ben & Jerry. As I circled and headed Northeast towards the cooler where my boys were chilling, I heard the most infectious, cackling laugh followed by a smokey voice exclaiming "You've gotta see this." I looked up to see a fabulously dressed woman holding a pint of ice cream and gesturing toward her friends - three equally fashionable ladies. (I have to note their appearance because it is a rarity to see a woman in her 50's or 60's, in Peterson's dressed in anything but a sweatsuit or a housecoat). Smokey Voice showed the pint to her friends and they all began to laugh. I peered up over the top of the cooler and smiled politely when our eyes met.
She strode over to me and said "You just have to look at this."
I looked down at the pint (Ben & Jerry's, of course) and read the name of the flavor:
I looked back at her, wide eyed.
She said, "I know! You thought so too!" (EDITORS NOTE: The name has been since changed to What a Cluster) Then she proceeded to laugh, her friends and then myself joining in with her.
Holding bottles of wine, the fabulous foursome meticulously scoured the cooler selection for the perfect flavor. "Gay Head Ginger" by Cape Cod Creamery evoked another round of pealing laughter. I eagerly joined the ruckus. They told me they were were spending time together and had done this for years. Their family referred to them as the "Auntie Boozebags". They referred to themselves as the "The Contessas".
I left the store with a smile on my face and a the proverbial bounce in my step. Ladies, you have renewed my faith in my future. I have always feared my midlife - afraid I might become stale. Thank you for brightening my day. Everytime I walk into the market, I listen for your laughter and hope to see your smiling faces. To The Contessas (aka Auntie Boozebags), you are utterly fabulous and my idols.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Fabulous Fungus
I know lots of my fans are vegetarians. (Seriously, I don't know how you do it). So, here is something I used as a side dish, but you might serve with a large salad and call it a meal. (I still don't understand HOW you don't crave a huge bacon-cheeseburger at least one a month. It's not normal). I served it with the Bourbon-Vanilla brined Pork Chops from this month's issue of Fine Cooking. They were ok. Next time I plan to use a pork loin. Bone it pork chops just aren't good. That's my opinion. Take it or get out.
These are fabulous, easy to make and super tasty. Indulge. Don't you dare use fat free cream cheese. It's not proper and offends the delicate nature of my being. In short, its crap.
Stuffed Portabello Mushrooms
(This recipe is courtesy of "Pure Flavor" by Kurt Beecher Demmeir with Laura Holmes Haddad)
Serves 6
Ingredients:
1/3 cup plus 3 tbs extra-virgin olive oil
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 garlic cloves, minced
6 large mushrooms, such as portabellos, stems and gills removed, caps wiped clean
3 medium zucchini, diced
1 medium red bell pepper, sliced
1 large yellow onion, diced
3 oz (6 tbs) cream cheese
3 tbs unsalted butter, softened
1 green onion (white and green parts), thinly sliced
1 oz Parmesan or other hard cheese, grated (1/4 cup)
2 tbs sliced drained sun-dried tomatoes in oil
1 tbs chopped fresh basil
1 tbs chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
2 tbs fresh bread crumbs
Plum tomatoes, cut into slices
4 oz semisoft cheese, grated (1 cup)
Preparation
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
To cook the mushrooms, combine 1/3 cup of the olive oil, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp pepper and half the garlic in a large bowl. Using a pastry brush, coat the surface of the mushrooms, inside and out, with the oil mixture. Place the mushrooms on a baking sheet, domed side down. Bake for about 15 minutes, or until the centers of the mushrooms are tender. Drain the mushrooms on paper towels and set aside to cool. Keep the oven on.
To make the filling, in a large skillet, heat 2 tbs of the olive oil over high heat. When the oil is nearly smoking, add enough of the zucchini to make a single layer in the pan. Cook the zucchini without stirring until browned on one side, about 5 minutes. Stir the zucchini and cook for an additional 2 minutes, or until lightly browned on all sides. Remove to a medium bowl and repeat the remaining zucchini.
Add the bell pepper, onion, and remaining tbs of oil to the skillet, and cook, without stirring, for 5 minutes, or until browned. Stir the mixture and cook for an additional 2 minutes. Add the bell pepper mixture to the zucchini.
Season the vegetable mixture with 1/4 tsp salt and pepper to taste. Let it cool in the fridge while preparing the rest of the filling.
Combine the cream cheese and butter in a medium bowl. Fold in the green onions, Parmesan cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, basil, parsley, remaining garlic, bread crumbs, and 1/4 tsp each salt and pepper. Mix the cheese mixture into the vegetable mixture, combining thoroughly but gently.
Place the mushrooms, domed side down, on a baking sheet. Divide the filling evenly among the mushroom caps, mounding it slightly. Push the filling to the edges to fill the entire cap.
Top each with slices of tomato and sprinkle with the semisoft cheese mounding it high. Bake for about 20 minutes, or until the mushrooms are heated through and the cheese is melted and is beginning to brown.
Bon Appetit!
These are fabulous, easy to make and super tasty. Indulge. Don't you dare use fat free cream cheese. It's not proper and offends the delicate nature of my being. In short, its crap.
Stuffed Portabello Mushrooms
(This recipe is courtesy of "Pure Flavor" by Kurt Beecher Demmeir with Laura Holmes Haddad)
Serves 6
Ingredients:
1/3 cup plus 3 tbs extra-virgin olive oil
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 garlic cloves, minced
6 large mushrooms, such as portabellos, stems and gills removed, caps wiped clean
3 medium zucchini, diced
1 medium red bell pepper, sliced
1 large yellow onion, diced
3 oz (6 tbs) cream cheese
3 tbs unsalted butter, softened
1 green onion (white and green parts), thinly sliced
1 oz Parmesan or other hard cheese, grated (1/4 cup)
2 tbs sliced drained sun-dried tomatoes in oil
1 tbs chopped fresh basil
1 tbs chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
2 tbs fresh bread crumbs
Plum tomatoes, cut into slices
4 oz semisoft cheese, grated (1 cup)
Preparation
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
To cook the mushrooms, combine 1/3 cup of the olive oil, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp pepper and half the garlic in a large bowl. Using a pastry brush, coat the surface of the mushrooms, inside and out, with the oil mixture. Place the mushrooms on a baking sheet, domed side down. Bake for about 15 minutes, or until the centers of the mushrooms are tender. Drain the mushrooms on paper towels and set aside to cool. Keep the oven on.
To make the filling, in a large skillet, heat 2 tbs of the olive oil over high heat. When the oil is nearly smoking, add enough of the zucchini to make a single layer in the pan. Cook the zucchini without stirring until browned on one side, about 5 minutes. Stir the zucchini and cook for an additional 2 minutes, or until lightly browned on all sides. Remove to a medium bowl and repeat the remaining zucchini.
Add the bell pepper, onion, and remaining tbs of oil to the skillet, and cook, without stirring, for 5 minutes, or until browned. Stir the mixture and cook for an additional 2 minutes. Add the bell pepper mixture to the zucchini.
Season the vegetable mixture with 1/4 tsp salt and pepper to taste. Let it cool in the fridge while preparing the rest of the filling.
Combine the cream cheese and butter in a medium bowl. Fold in the green onions, Parmesan cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, basil, parsley, remaining garlic, bread crumbs, and 1/4 tsp each salt and pepper. Mix the cheese mixture into the vegetable mixture, combining thoroughly but gently.
Place the mushrooms, domed side down, on a baking sheet. Divide the filling evenly among the mushroom caps, mounding it slightly. Push the filling to the edges to fill the entire cap.
Top each with slices of tomato and sprinkle with the semisoft cheese mounding it high. Bake for about 20 minutes, or until the mushrooms are heated through and the cheese is melted and is beginning to brown.
Bon Appetit!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The Case of the Missing Urge.
I've always wondered what sex would be like at 50. Would I still be having lots of sex? Would my sex life still be as crazy? I've often read articles about women in their 40's & 50's (I read Redbook and More Magazine) who say they don't want to have sex - that they just don't have the urge anymore. I've also read about women in their 20's, who don't want to have sex because they have kids. Men are always complaining about their wives frigid behavior. But, what do you do if you're in your early 30's, childless, married to a Sex God and suddenly stop feeling the urge?
Yes, I'm talking about me. Yes, I know this is a crushing blow to all of you. Imagine how I feel?
I started noticing it a few months ago. Normally, I'm as randy as a high school boy on prom night. Six months ago, I would feel a twinge when my cell phone vibrated. This past month, VinDiesel could have been lying naked on my bed, oiled up, holding a plate of mozzarella sticks and I might not have the urge to do anything about it. Well, I'd have eaten the mozzy sticks. You can see why this troubling. Food before beefcake. Cheese before fantasy man. Was I becoming another person? I had read about early menopause. Was I a new case? This was freaking me out. Even gay porn wasn't doing it for me. I had lost my mojo!
I decided to chat it up with my Box Doctor. We had a date this past Tuesday for my annual check up. As I was sitting in the stirrups, trying to deal with a metal clamp thingy in my netherregions, she said to me
"So any problems"?
Usually my answer to this is, "Nope. All good". But today, determined to get to the bottom of my plunging libido, I forged ahead.
"I have no sex drive. Usually, I'm like a monkey on crack, but in the past 6 months I'm limp like a noodle"
I know. Not subtle. But, these are extreme times.
I'm sure the look on my face was utter desperation and panic. She glanced up over my sheet draped legs with look of understanding. "It's the pill", she said, with a snap of her rubber glove. "You've been on it so long your body is processing all the testosterone. It's putting a damper on your hormones."
Crap. I was become more of a whiny chick by the minute and now my testosterone was disappearing.
"I need to know how to fix this." I said. "Can I take testosterone. Is there cream? What are we going to do about this!" The pitch of my voice was starting to rise.
"Well, you could stop the pill and...." The look on my face stopped that one. There was no way I was returning to the land of rubber. No way, no how.
"Alright, " she said. "Why don't you try DHEA. It's a supplement and most people say it helps."
HALLELUJAH!!! HALLE LUUUUUUUUUUUUU JAH!!!!!!! Drugs for my lady bits! Help for my love button. Therapy for my VaJaJay!
Light at the end of my orgasmless tunnel. There is help for me. I will return to the land of naughty and heavy breathing.
I made the mistake of telling my mother about my problem and the solution. I had meant to horrify her with the news. After all, she gets embarrassed when I talk about sex, my sex life, my blog, my vagina or anything else having to do with an orgasm. But, she took this in stride. Today, she phoned me and said she wants to send me some books on sexual health.
EXCUSE ME?? Mom is sending me sex help books. Hell hath frozen over.
I told her I was all set. I was picking up my pills and they should kick in less than a day. She told me to start taking them immediately. If I didn't have lots of sex than she wouldn't have any grandchildren.
This has become my life, lovers. Hormones and sex talks with my mother. I'm officially in my 30's.
Yes, I'm talking about me. Yes, I know this is a crushing blow to all of you. Imagine how I feel?
I started noticing it a few months ago. Normally, I'm as randy as a high school boy on prom night. Six months ago, I would feel a twinge when my cell phone vibrated. This past month, VinDiesel could have been lying naked on my bed, oiled up, holding a plate of mozzarella sticks and I might not have the urge to do anything about it. Well, I'd have eaten the mozzy sticks. You can see why this troubling. Food before beefcake. Cheese before fantasy man. Was I becoming another person? I had read about early menopause. Was I a new case? This was freaking me out. Even gay porn wasn't doing it for me. I had lost my mojo!
I decided to chat it up with my Box Doctor. We had a date this past Tuesday for my annual check up. As I was sitting in the stirrups, trying to deal with a metal clamp thingy in my netherregions, she said to me
"So any problems"?
Usually my answer to this is, "Nope. All good". But today, determined to get to the bottom of my plunging libido, I forged ahead.
"I have no sex drive. Usually, I'm like a monkey on crack, but in the past 6 months I'm limp like a noodle"
I know. Not subtle. But, these are extreme times.
I'm sure the look on my face was utter desperation and panic. She glanced up over my sheet draped legs with look of understanding. "It's the pill", she said, with a snap of her rubber glove. "You've been on it so long your body is processing all the testosterone. It's putting a damper on your hormones."
Crap. I was become more of a whiny chick by the minute and now my testosterone was disappearing.
"I need to know how to fix this." I said. "Can I take testosterone. Is there cream? What are we going to do about this!" The pitch of my voice was starting to rise.
"Well, you could stop the pill and...." The look on my face stopped that one. There was no way I was returning to the land of rubber. No way, no how.
"Alright, " she said. "Why don't you try DHEA. It's a supplement and most people say it helps."
HALLELUJAH!!! HALLE LUUUUUUUUUUUUU JAH!!!!!!! Drugs for my lady bits! Help for my love button. Therapy for my VaJaJay!
Light at the end of my orgasmless tunnel. There is help for me. I will return to the land of naughty and heavy breathing.
I made the mistake of telling my mother about my problem and the solution. I had meant to horrify her with the news. After all, she gets embarrassed when I talk about sex, my sex life, my blog, my vagina or anything else having to do with an orgasm. But, she took this in stride. Today, she phoned me and said she wants to send me some books on sexual health.
EXCUSE ME?? Mom is sending me sex help books. Hell hath frozen over.
I told her I was all set. I was picking up my pills and they should kick in less than a day. She told me to start taking them immediately. If I didn't have lots of sex than she wouldn't have any grandchildren.
This has become my life, lovers. Hormones and sex talks with my mother. I'm officially in my 30's.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
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