That Boy Is Poison

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

I believe in soul mates. I believe that there is one person out there whose soul is perfectly matched with yours. If you are lucky, it is the person that you fell in love with, married and are blissfully spending the rest of your livelong days with in perfect harmony.

I did not. My soul mate is poison.

I met, lets call him X, a little over 11 years ago. We became fast friends; nothing physical, just friends. We talked alot on the phone and hung out down by the beach. I was dating my ex boyfriend at the time and soon began dating TH. X and I still spent time together and talked on the phone every few days. His job required him to work with my company and we saw each other quite frequently.

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

TH never liked X. He always said that X wanted me and I was just too silly to know it. Maybe that was true, but I didn't see it that way. I love being around him and talking to him. It was a drug. It made me feel good. He made me feel special, always listened to me with interest and made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. We clicked perfectly. I never once felt anything other than friendship and never once gave X a reason to think otherwise. (He had some large personality flaws that I found a distasteful, thus negating any chance for romantic love) I was quickly falling head over heels in love with TH and knew that he was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Life was amazing. I had two unbelievable men in my life. One I loved with all my heart and one that made my soul feel whole.

TH (FINALLY!) proposed on Christmas Eve after 8 years of dating.

X was one of the first few that I called with my happy news. He was silent for a moment and the said something that torn my heart from my chest. "You know that you're just doing it for the money."

Money? What money? I knew that X was jealous of TH's success, but did he really think that I was that kind of person? My soul cracked at that very moment. We just broke. Things have never been the same. Nothing has ever been the same since that day.

If I called X, he would be distant, mean spirited and cruel. Then he would be kind, then cruel, then kind. But I still called him. I couldn't stop.

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it Just a little bit more to get me through it.

I'm not stupid. By this time, I had obviously figured out that he felt more for me than I did for him. But I felt I had to call him. My chest would hurt if I thought about it and didn't call. It felt like pieces of me were missing. Why couldn't I have the love of my life and my soul mate too? Life just wasn't fair.

I decided to put an end to it. I was hurting myself and him too. I called and told him that we couldn't speak or see each other ever again. He agreed.

Well, that lasted for 3 months. I broke down and called him. He was kind and then verbally stabbed me again. Another piece of my soul broke off.

I've never had an addiction to anything bad - drugs, alcohol, etc - my personality just doesn't support it. But, clearly, I am addicted to X. If this is what it is like trying to come clean from a substance abuse problem, than I admire those who have succeeded. Never in my life have I worked so hard for something.

It's been 6 months. I have deleted his number from my cell phone (I'm happy I never memorized it) and I stay away from his usual haunts. I am slowly coming clean. There was a small incident this past Christmas. I returned home from Christmas Eve festivities and saw a missed text on my cell phone. It was just three words "Merry Christmas Serena. The number looked familiar, but I couldn't place it with a name. Then a chill went down my spine and I ran upstairs to check my old phone book. It was him. I sat on that text for 12 hours before I sent one back: "You too."

I still feel like a part of me is missing, like I'm not whole inside. Like any drug, I know that X is bad for me. But, I would give anything for a fix right now.

Why I'll Never Be A Good Yogi

I know that I've been AWOL lately. I'm trying to catch up, really I am. It's just that I'm tired. No, I'm not whining. I really am tired. Exhausted, as a matter of fact. I have been working my fat ass off at the gym. TH has been in perfect attendance as well; the couple that works out together, stays together. They also have no sex life. Due to the tireless reps, the classes, the iron that is pumped and the miles that are logged, we are as limp as wet noodles. Muscles are screaming, joints are aching and energy levels are low. Our sex life has been reduced to a kiss goodnight, a loving look and uttering the word "Sex?". My beloved toys are gathering dust as I nurse my aching glutes and rub my throbbing hamstrings. They always say the first few weeks are a killer. Now I know that the thing being murdered is my libido. Don't be alarmed! I have done this before. In another week or two, I will be bouncing with energy and twice as frisky as before. Be afraid, be very afraid! Exercise has a way of making me as horny as a teenager in heat.

Bored with lifting and bumping endlessly along on the treadmill, bike and elliptical thingy, I decided to look into the classes. Disappointed that they STILL aren't offering strip aerobics, I selected a yoga classes. I've taken yoga before so this wasn't a new activity for me. I'm not the great at it, but I can stumble along with the best of them. My poses aren't pretty. I know that you're suppose to ease into the stretch and breathe. Well, you can't tell that to a former gymnast. I was taught to stretch until your muscles are throbbing and then stretch some more. The teachers are always frustrated with me. "Use the block", they say. "Don't try to do to much to fast". Meanwhile, I'm trying to get by foot behind my head even though I feel like my neck is going to snap.

I'm at my first class and there are four of us, including the instructor. We're easing into the routine and sitting in the lotus position. We're breathing in unison and relaxing our minds. I can't relax. I've got 50 things running through my head and none of them are relaxing. I'm planning dinner, running through my schedule for the next day and wondering whose feet smell like cheese. The instructor tells us to take a deep breath in and let it out with a "HAAAAAAAA". We all breathe out in unison when "RUUUUUUUUUHHHHP!" The instructor lets out the biggest, juiciest fart. Not only was it loud, but the wood floor we were sitting on made it echo through-out the room. I was able to feel the vibration travel across the floor to where I was sitting.

You all know how I feel about bodily functions. I regress right back to being seven years old. Thank God everyone else had their eyes closed in relaxation as I watched my reflection in the mirror turn purple with suppressed laughter.

I know that farting is acceptable in yoga. In fact, anything natural is acceptable. The body is suppose to be in a relaxed state with energy shooting out of it. Natural gas seems to be one of those energy forces.

We make it through the next 45 minutes with only a few toots. I was concentrating on tearing all of the ligaments from my bones, so I was able to tune out her "energy shots". We were winding down the routine and sitting in Child's Pose, (If you don't know what this looks like, you should click the link to get the full effect of this) when she must have had a big boost of energy. RRRRRRRUUUUUUUHPPP! and then she breathed out "AAHHHH!"

I am in the pose, shaking with laughter. I can barely breathe and tears are streaming down my face.

Thankfully, this woman was just a fill in for the normal instructor, who doesn't fart, by the way. It appears that I will never be a true Yogi. There is no way I would let one rip in class, no matter how relaxed I am.

This other instructor makes me cry too. She is sadistic. I swear, the woman never stops for a second. All you people who think yoga is for pansy, think again.

Stay turned....I have cardio kick boxing tonight and I have no coordination.

I Own You

The air is still a bit heavy here in the office with the passing of The Cupcake Man. Thank you all for your kind comments the other day. We're all dreading the funeral on Sunday. It will be hard to say good bye. With that said, we're trying to keep things light and fun to remind ourselves how life should be and how he would want us to live. This week, we have devised a new way to keep ourselves amused.

I've told you all about my obsession with Facebook (aka Facecrack). Some of the guys in the office have pages and we're constantly exchanging barbs back and forth. It's like passing notes in school. I was particularly irritated with Partner #3 because he would delete my comments. They weren't nasty. He had changed is profile picture and I kindly commented that I thought the previous photo was better. It was! The new photo made him look old and was out of focus. Twice I made this comment and twice he removed it. This irritated me to no end and I decided to "de-friend" him. If he didn't want my comments, then he shouldn't have invited me to be his friend. He was lucky that I didn't publicly abuse him on Facebook. I was kind enough to save that for the office. I didn't think the general public and his family would appreciate me calling him a prick or a preppy wannabe. I'm professional that way. He was insulted that I de-friended him so I had to add him back on. Yes, ladies and gentleman, we're just a bunch of middle schoolers here. Tears are shed when someone doesn't want to be "friends". Thank God we put up a good face to the public. What would they think? Professional firm addicted to Facebook. Film at 11.

Just the other day, I received a status update that Partner #1 "purchased" me for $1. Having no idea what that meant, I clicked on the link. It opened up a page called "Owned". Apparently, if you have "friended" someone, you can "purchase" them. It's fake money and I'm still learning how this twisted game works. It's like slave trading online. It's one of those virtual things that I never can figure out. Like having Avatar and walking around make believe, virtual worlds. I don't get it.

Once Partner #1 put me up on the auction block, the bidding war started. Right now, some random guy in New Jersey "owns" me for 3 million dollars. If they bid for you, you get the money. I wish it was real. I could use a few million.

You can also "gift" someone as in a "human gift". Creepy, huh. Partner #1 thought it would be fun to gift me Partner #3 so I could "own" him. With all my money, I decided to buy everyone in the office. No one can outbid me because I have the most money.

I've made them all my bitches. I wish this thing was real.

( You should also know that I "own" Daddyfiles and BadAss too! Take that Lola!!!)

Going Green All The Way

I'm all for being eco-friendly. Our planet is so fucked up that I try to do my best to shrink my carbon footprint. I have become the recycling Natzi of the household. I have been known to shriek "Don't throw that away! We recycle that". I compost everything....veggie peels, apple cores, dryer lint, moldy bread, hair from hairbrushes (I know is sounds gross, but it works) sticks, leaves etc. I bring my own bags to the grocery store and I only have a retail store bag up something if I can't possible carry it out of the store as it is. I use both sides of every piece of paper and I'd rather put a sweater on than turn up the heat.

So, I'm on the phone the other day and I'm on hold (story of my life). While I'm on hold, I usually surf around the web for work, but I decided to skip on to MSNCB.com and read the entertainment and health news. I'm flipping through articles about Branglina, the Golden Globes and some new diet craze when I hit an article that was worthy of my time; Eco-Friendly Sex Toys.

You see, most sex toys are made of PVC and phthalates. Nasty stuff. The jury is out on just how harmful these materials are; the chemical companies say they're just fine, while environmentalists say they're like poring lead down your throat. Nevertheless, it's not good. Give the fact that I have a good sampling of most the products out there, I was a bit concerned about tainting my netherregions. They're sacred to me.



Instead of heading to the veggie drawer and going "au natural", I decided to Google up some alternatives. Of course, TreeHugger.com has the perfect solution: The Solar Powered Vibrator. No more batteries, just leave the solar panel out in the sun for 7 hours and enjoy buzzing for at least an hour. But, what do you do if you live in Alaska during the time that it's dark for days at a stretch? Do UV lights work?

The Sensual Vegan has become my new favorite place to shop. I may raz the veggies about not eating cow but they are a bunch of sex freaks! I'm loving it. Any site that promotes literature such as "The Ethical Slut" and "Anal Pleasure and Health" is my kinda place.

So I have found a way to save the planet, one orgasm at a time. Whose with me?

Farewell to Cupcakes

On Monday night the world lost a great man. The Cupcake Man, my mentor, co-worker and friend passed away. He'd had a stroke in October and had been battling back when pneumonia hit him unexpectedly. I spent last Saturday afternoon with him and I'm happy that I was able to give him a hug and kiss before I lost him. If I had known that was that last time I'd see him I would have told him how much he meant to me and how the world was a brighter place because he was in it. I didn't tell him how much I would miss his hugs, his smiles and the way he laughed so hard sometimes that no sound would come out. How I would miss his annoying habits, his impossible demands, the sheets of paper written in longhand that were illegible to every one including him and constant phone calls that lasted an hour because it took him that long to explain a simple task. I will miss his stories and his inappropriate comments about my outfits that may have seemed perverted to some, but he always found away to make it seem gentleman like. I will miss how he would place his hand on the right side of his face when he discussed things with you that were of great importance. I will miss his positivity, his kindness and his tendency to "over share" medical problems. I will miss the bags of treats he use to bring me. Every time he saw a delicious dessert while he was out at lunch, he would have them wrap it up and bring it back to the office for me. I will miss our long talks about food and restaurants we'd both visited.

We are all devastated and the news still hasn't sunk in.I dedicate this post to him. I miss you, my friend.

A Bit Random

Today is the day to get memes out of the way. (Hey, that rhymes). Otherwise they pile up and make me crazy. I'm still recovering from the crazy, fun and hellish Sunday night that was the Metallic concert (details coming soon, lovers). So, I thought I would be a bit random and lazy. Here's a meme from Badass. If you don't read his shit, you're a loser. He's funny, sweet, crazy and a hell of a writer. You can also watch Lola and I fight for his affections.

The random questions

Where is your cellphone? I think it's in my purse. Or it could be in my desk drawer. I don't know. I'm sure it's going to ring or vibrate or something any minute.

Where is your significant other? I'm pretty sure he's at work. At least I hope he is. If he's off stalking Jennifer Aniston again we're gonna have to talk.

Your hair color? Blond (with very bad roots. Yes, I need to get them done. I KNOW!!!)

Your family? I have some. I'm not sure what they're doing right now. Thank God they don't live to close to me. They drive me nuts sometimes.

Who you miss the most? It changes daily. Right now I miss an old friend.

Your favorite thing? Food. I love rich, amazing food.

Your dream last night? Nothing, Nada, Zip! I was jipped last night!

Your dream/goal? I want to own a used bookstore/coffee house. I know it's very cliche. But I want to be surrounded by two things I love. Books and caffeine.

The room you're in? My office (aka my cell in Satan's workshop)

Your hobby? Cooking, reading, knitting, working.
Your fear? Driving over really big bridges

Where do you want to be in six years? A Partner in this company. (don't hold your breath on that one.)
Where were you last night? Hanging out at home, making banana bread, watching "24" (Jack Bauer is so hot!!) and trying to make my laptop talk to my new Crackberry.

What you're not? In shape, big boobed, rich or well rested

One of your wish list items? Boobs!

Where you grew up? Cape Cod

The last thing you did? Texted Partner #3, told him that he was quoted in today's paper and called him a media whore. (God, that felt awesome!)

What are you wearing? Cowl neck grey wool sweater dress, smoke colored lace top thigh highs, black garter belt, black satin bra that is not making my boobs look any bigger, and knee high black leather 4 inch heel boots.

Your TV? It's a big huge flat screen. Whatta-ya-want from me? I don't know electronics.


Your pet? Big, dumb, adorable Boxer (dog) and a weaselly, pain in the ass border collie/lab mix (dog)

Your computer? My secret lover.

Your mood? Caffeinated

Missing someone? Every day


Your car? Jetta Wolfsburg. (sometimes a Porsche when I'm a good girl)


Something you're not wearing? Panties


Favorite store? Bookstore.


Your summer? Spent in the nude, lounging on my back porch

Love someone? As much as possible


Your favorite color? Purple


The last time you laughed? Right after I texted Partner #3. It was a cackle of glee!

The last time you cried? This weekend after I visited the Cupcake Man in rehab. It's so hard for me to see him like that!

And here is my award from Kat over there at 3 Bedroom Bungalow. If she hadn't moved over the big pond to England, I would be whining for her to come visit me. She is the cats pajamas! Go visit her and read about her adventures in the land of fish and chips.


I have to write more random stuff about myself. It's not like I'm a close book here. This is a tough one. Here I go:

1) I am terrified of snakes. When I was younger I thought they were cool. Now, they scare the shit outta me.

2) I practically never wear panties, but I love to buy them. They're so pretty and girly, yet I never wear them.

3) I want to learn Portuguese so I know what the Brazilian guys at the gym are talking about. I'm sure it's nothing important, but I hate that I don't understand it.

4) I want to dye my hair red for a day, just to see what it would look like. I was born a red head so I think I could swing it.

5) I worked for a garbage company and actually hauled trash for a few days when one of the guys was sick. It was the most disgusting job ever! People are pigs!

6) I hate the fact that TH doesn't wear his wedding ring. He doesn't like the feel of jewelry and won't even wear a watch. I try to understand, but it really bothers me.

7) Some day I plan to have black and white nude photos taken of myself.

8) I believe that the reason I haven't had the flu in over 2 years is that I drink at least a zillion cups of green tea a day. I pee alot, but I'm never sick.

9) I haven't shaved my legs in 4 days. I will have them shaved when I get those naked pictures taken.

10) I wish TH would be more romantic. I envy those couples that look like they're totally in love all the time. We're in love, but we don't look it.

11) At least once a week I want to quit my job. But, then I step back into reality.

12) I'm obsessed with checking my bank account balance on line. Not because it's huge, but that it's always shrinking. I hate being in debt.

13) I love, love, LOVE cheese. All kinds.

14) I feel showering in the morning is unnecessary if you showered just before going to bed. Big K disagrees with me and makes fun of me if I don't. How in the world do you get dirty while sleeping? I usually run in the morning so showering is necessary.

15) I am dying to go on a real sleigh ride.

16) I had great sex this weekend. It wasn't on a sleigh ride, though.

17) My gynecologist knows my mother and asks me about her when I'm in that embarrassing al fresco position. Dude, I'm on a table, my legs are splayed and my Whoo Ha is on display for the world to see. I don't want to talk about my mom.

18) Speaking of my mom, the woman is 5'1" tall and weighs 90 lbs soaking wet. My sister, brother and I are all at least 5'6" and built like a brick house. I have no idea how she birthed us.

19) She also knows that my gyno asks about her as I'm being poked. She thinks it's funny.

20) My brain had been emptied and I can't think of anymore things right now. But, as soon as I post this, ideas will flood my brain and I will be annoyed I didn't think of them 5 minutes ago.

That's me in a nutshell. This meme goes out to you, lovers!

It's Official...I'm on Crack

Remember when the lovely Lola sold her soul to the evil, demonic device known as Crackberry. Well, she now has company when she hits rehab. I'm officially a Crackberry Storm user.

The blessed P's bestowed this wonderful gift on me for Christmas. Fancy Pants bought himself one when they first came out and I was green with jealousy. He got it because he had an upgrade available. I was aching to have one but was to miserly to spend $500 on a phone when my currant one was only 9 months old and in top condition. If I had $500 to spend on a whim, you could be sure I would blow it on a pair of Manolos and not a new gadget. So the P's thought it would be a thoughtful present and they threw in a calling plan too. They would pay for all my cell bills. It only took me an hour before I realized that this was a present for them as well. Now that I'm on the company plan, I can't bitch about Partner #3's constant calling. He's footing the bill now. But, I love my new drug and I gave them each a hug as thanks. (See, another New Years Resolution solved!!! I'm trying, people!)

So I have this wonderful new toy that basically lets me take over the world from the palm of my hand. It emails, texts, IM's, browses, navigates, tells time, keeps a calendar, takes pictures, has visual voicemail, plays music, records music, takes videos, plays videos, walks, talks etc, etc.

I cannot figure out how the damn things works.

For 3 days, I wasn't receiving any phone calls but I could get voicemail. I whined to Fancy Pants and he informed me I had it on "airplane mode" (whatever the fuck that is). It's got this fabulous touchy, clicky screen instead of buttons. I use it like a drunken, 2nd grader. My fat little fingers never seem to touch the screen at the right area, thus enabling me to send a text message to Partner #3 that read: "I didn't find it on the agenda. I will put it in the que and sit on top of it." Of course, not trumping the message to Partner #1 that stated: "I will be on top of him and make sure it stays hard" (I'd wanted to say, "I will be on top of him and make sure it stays heard") Spell check didn't catch those suckers.

If I don't have it on vibrate (Ohhhh vibrations!), it is constantly making noise. Dinging, ringing, music, it never shuts up. It snarfs everytime something happens. There is a different sound for every action. The problem is, I can't figure out which action. It makes a sound, I pick it up and spend 10 minute figuring out which function happened. Did I get a text message, an email, an instant message, or heaven forbid....an actual phone call?

Very often I forget to lock the screen. So, when I jam it in my purse, something will push against the screen and dial someone, text someone or maybe reposition a satellite or two. I swear that this thing can do that.

But, my very favorite part of this beauty is the media feature. I was tapping around on the screen when suddenly a movie trailer started playing, starring Vin Diesel! My phone has Vin Diesel on it and it vibrates.

That's good enough for me!