Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Why I'll Never Be A Good Yogi

I know that I've been AWOL lately. I'm trying to catch up, really I am. It's just that I'm tired. No, I'm not whining. I really am tired. Exhausted, as a matter of fact. I have been working my fat ass off at the gym. TH has been in perfect attendance as well; the couple that works out together, stays together. They also have no sex life. Due to the tireless reps, the classes, the iron that is pumped and the miles that are logged, we are as limp as wet noodles. Muscles are screaming, joints are aching and energy levels are low. Our sex life has been reduced to a kiss goodnight, a loving look and uttering the word "Sex?". My beloved toys are gathering dust as I nurse my aching glutes and rub my throbbing hamstrings. They always say the first few weeks are a killer. Now I know that the thing being murdered is my libido. Don't be alarmed! I have done this before. In another week or two, I will be bouncing with energy and twice as frisky as before. Be afraid, be very afraid! Exercise has a way of making me as horny as a teenager in heat.

Bored with lifting and bumping endlessly along on the treadmill, bike and elliptical thingy, I decided to look into the classes. Disappointed that they STILL aren't offering strip aerobics, I selected a yoga classes. I've taken yoga before so this wasn't a new activity for me. I'm not the great at it, but I can stumble along with the best of them. My poses aren't pretty. I know that you're suppose to ease into the stretch and breathe. Well, you can't tell that to a former gymnast. I was taught to stretch until your muscles are throbbing and then stretch some more. The teachers are always frustrated with me. "Use the block", they say. "Don't try to do to much to fast". Meanwhile, I'm trying to get by foot behind my head even though I feel like my neck is going to snap.

I'm at my first class and there are four of us, including the instructor. We're easing into the routine and sitting in the lotus position. We're breathing in unison and relaxing our minds. I can't relax. I've got 50 things running through my head and none of them are relaxing. I'm planning dinner, running through my schedule for the next day and wondering whose feet smell like cheese. The instructor tells us to take a deep breath in and let it out with a "HAAAAAAAA". We all breathe out in unison when "RUUUUUUUUUHHHHP!" The instructor lets out the biggest, juiciest fart. Not only was it loud, but the wood floor we were sitting on made it echo through-out the room. I was able to feel the vibration travel across the floor to where I was sitting.

You all know how I feel about bodily functions. I regress right back to being seven years old. Thank God everyone else had their eyes closed in relaxation as I watched my reflection in the mirror turn purple with suppressed laughter.

I know that farting is acceptable in yoga. In fact, anything natural is acceptable. The body is suppose to be in a relaxed state with energy shooting out of it. Natural gas seems to be one of those energy forces.

We make it through the next 45 minutes with only a few toots. I was concentrating on tearing all of the ligaments from my bones, so I was able to tune out her "energy shots". We were winding down the routine and sitting in Child's Pose, (If you don't know what this looks like, you should click the link to get the full effect of this) when she must have had a big boost of energy. RRRRRRRUUUUUUUHPPP! and then she breathed out "AAHHHH!"

I am in the pose, shaking with laughter. I can barely breathe and tears are streaming down my face.

Thankfully, this woman was just a fill in for the normal instructor, who doesn't fart, by the way. It appears that I will never be a true Yogi. There is no way I would let one rip in class, no matter how relaxed I am.

This other instructor makes me cry too. She is sadistic. I swear, the woman never stops for a second. All you people who think yoga is for pansy, think again.

Stay turned....I have cardio kick boxing tonight and I have no coordination.


  1. My wife used to kickbox. I know this not only because she told me, but she showed me once, when I was being an asshole.

  2. I don't know how you held it together girl! I would have been rolling on the floor dying of laughter telling her to invest in Beano.

  3. That is nasty in so many different levels.

  4. S-exercise, the answer to your problems. You should invent an exercise routine that has sex in it. I would, but I don't exercise, so it's all up to you :)

  5. It's acceptable in Yoga, but not in my easy chair?!?!?! Somethings wrong here...I'm going to have to speak to the little woman about this...

  6. *giggle*

    Someone just posted this on Facebook. I hadn't seen it before ... hope you haven't seen it yet either.

  7. That's why I do my yoga at home! Smelling people's feet and worse do not promote relaxation one bit. I'm with you on the no patience for easing into the poses. It's just not my nature.

    Glad you're back! I was going to send the dogs out to find you ;)

  8. You are a much better person than I am. I would have been laughing my head off.

  9. OMG, that's exactly the reason why I could never try yoga. I would laugh hysterically and probably point while I was laughing. Accepted farting? Without laughing? What is this world coming to.

    Good work on stepping the exercise up a notch. Do you want me to link this up as you HASAY post?

  10. I tried Yoga on the Wii Fit. Never again. That shit leaves you sore.

    And chicks farting is disgusting. It's fine when it's guys, that's acceptable. But a woman farting? Hell no. I'm all about the double standard here. Women shouldn't poop either, at least not around us. It's nasty.

  11. Oh my goodness! Maybe that is why I have always done Yoga in the privacy of my own home. I cannot imagine being in Downward Facing Dog and the person in front of me just letting one rip! Ick, ick, no!

  12. Before I got to the part about your instructor farting, I was thinking about how I'm scared to take a yoga class because of that very reason.