Friday, January 2, 2009

How Would I Explain That??

I seek to start the New Year off with a "BANG" in the naughtiness department. (I have been lacking, I know) I haven't begun the quest for my G-spot but I have been surfing some fun toy sites. (The office has been closed for 2 days, people. I've been B.O.R.E.D) I've been planning a trip to the "toy store" and search for something new.

I'm sure all of you think that my house looks like a den of sin. But, in reality, TH and I keep our naughty treats cleverly hidden from the world. The library of porn is stored in Rubbermaid tubs and placed in a closet. To the naked, unsuspecting eye, it looks like storage and not a mini dirty video store. My collection of toys is located in a beautiful woven box (Ha! I said, box!) next to my nightstand. Again, to the untrained eye, it looks like clever storage for whatnot's and widgets. But, how would I explain this?

Yup. That is a sex swing. And it's purple! My favorite color. I've always thought about getting one, but wondered how I would explain it's presence in the house. It could be a comfy chair for reading......maybe. I could always omit the huge stand thingy and have it hang from hooks in the ceiling. That way I could remove it when not in use. But, how would I explain the need to reinforce the ceiling beams? My father-in-law would be all over that....wanting to know why this project was taking place. Heavy plant hanger, maybe?

I've always wanted a stripper pole. Not only is it fun, but apparently good exercise too. The manager at the new fancy gym I just joined was horrified when I asked if they would be offering "Stripperobics". The Cape is so stuffy sometimes.

Anywhoo....I wondered what it would be like to have on in the house.
I found this photo on the net. Why on earth would you put a stripper pole in your entry way? I'm sure TH would love for me to greet him this way every night.

This would probably work out better. In a back room or something. For those of you that don't want to buy an already made pole there is a Web site that will teach you how to make one yourself. Is the internet fabulous or what! I wonder why this task was not listed in the "Daring Book for Girls". It should be!

Still, I don't know how I would explain said pole to the in-laws. For some odd reason, I know my mother would understand. She knows I'm a bit freaky. She tries to ignore it. I've been harping at her for years because she doesn't own a vibrator! Her birthday is on Jan 25th. I'm thinking that this is the year I get her one!

Again, the internet came through for me. I give you the portable stripper pole:
Don't you love her shirt! "Got Pole" I'm totally ordering one!

And for those of you that like to take your show on the water, I give you the boat pole:
 TH and I would be kicked out of the yacht club if we every did this. And again, my FIL would freak! (yes, we belong to a yacht club and only so we have a place for the boat. I wouldn't be caught dead at any of the functions). Imagine if we were docked up and I started dancing to "Baby Got Back", sliding up and down the pole. The other members would shit their Dockers!

I wish you much naughtiness for your New Year!


  1. You did mean tubs (plural) right? Our library wouldn't even fit into shoe box. We must be way behind.

  2. Michele: Yes...that is tubs (plural) as in 2 of them. This doesn't count the ones that Big K keeps in his bottom dresser drawer for easy access.

    Big K and his brother swap back and forth. We're a perverted family.

  3. You are giving my overactive imagination way too much to work with over here...

  4. Holy crap? Tubs of porn? We have two DVDs and they both suck. The running joke between us is that neither of us can pick out good porn. MJ's birthday is in April. Do you think you could provide her with a proper porno? Might as well call in an expert right?! =)

    Why aren't you hosting toy parties? Good money and you'd be selling products you can really get behind. Or is it products that get your behind? I can never remember...

  5. Just to see the guys at the yacht club shit their might be worth it.

  6. Lil Minx has the best tension pole that you can put up and take down in seconds. All you need to do is find a beam in the ceiling. My husband put seven, count 'em seven, holes in the ceiling before he hit beam, but other than that, it's a wonderful addition to any home ;)

    I've always wanted one of those swings, but we'd have to hang it in the cellar. Too cold down there!

  7. Your toy collection would get discovered in about two seconds in this house. Kids investigate/destroy EVERYTHING. Ours is in a suitcase hidden way in the back of the closet and my best friend has strict instructions to DESTROY (but not open) the entire thing if anything ever happened to us. I can't have my mom finding that shit, it's not something she would be proud of.
    The swing, dunno. I don't think it looks appealing but I'm old and out of shape so my crazy days are on hold. Good luck pulling off the stripper pole, I knew you were serious when you commented on Pebbles' pole on my post yesterday.


    Check these out, they sell them at the Ohio Renfest every year, and I have wanted to buy one since forever, just have nowhere to put one.

  9. i trip up on your comment thing every damn time. stupid me, i hit enter after i type the catcha and the thing blows up every time.

    a) sex swing...awesome
    b) if you get one, i will worship you
    c) let me know where you hide it.

  10. Everytime I see a swinging chair, I think of Samantha from SATC. Very funny post indeed!

    Happy New Year, Girlfriend and here's to a little bit of naughtiness in 2009! :)

  11. Badass: That is what I'm here for babe! To get ya going!

    Daddyfiles: Yes, MJ will receive porn for her birthday. I'm not sure how that's present for her, though???? I would LOVE to do the sex toy party thing!

    Kat: I love horrifying the stiffs. I have this tshirt that says "Redneck Girl". Reactions are always interesting.

    Lola: I have two words for your husband: Stud finder. I'll have to check out Lil Minx!

    Casey: My nephew made a beeline for that box as soon as he saw it! Kids know where the bad stuff is.

    Heather: We have an air chair. We're probably going to put it up on the front porch. :)

    Cameron You should worship me anyways. :)

    Maki: I loved that episode! It was even funnier when the chair broke. That is definately something that would happen to me! Happy New Year to you too, Doll!!!

  12. oh my god.
    I love you.

    I think I may get a sex swing.
    To READ in, to READ in!