Friday, January 9, 2009

Take A Stand

Everyone is aware of my problem with bathroom humor and anything that has to do with flatulence. Just the mere thought of it makes me bubble up with laughter. After all, I am a kid at heart.

In yesterdays post, I made mention of the desire to pee standing up thus not to pee on my shoes or make the walk of shame into the woods to find a trees to crouch behind so no one views my shiny white hiney. Fancy Pants was in the middle of reading my post when he suddenly exclaimed "Hey, they have those things for women that let you pee standing up. I've seen them online" (I chose not to questions his knowledge as not to get anymore about why he might have seen them. The boy scares me sometimes)

Curiosity got the best of me and I fired up Google. Sure enough! Type in "girls peeing standing up" and there is information galore!

My lovers, I give you the Whizzy!

Directions: Facing the toilet, stand a few inches away from it. Outdoors, stand with your back to the wind. Move clothing as necessary. Hold Whizzy by the easy-grip handles. With it flat or slightly unfolded, slide either end between your legs until it covers your entire pubic area. Open it, forming a V-shape. Hold it against your body. Point the other end slightly downward. Relax, aim and go! As you finish, wipe forward with Whizzy.
Doesn't it look uncomfortable? If this doesn't work for you, you may like to try the P-Mate. I couldn't find directions for this one, but if in a pinch I think I might be able to figure it out.
I wondered if women were actually using these bizarre devices. Well, I stopped wondering real quick.

These are actually photos of women using these things at fairs and outdoor conventions. I have a strict "No porta-potty" rule. I will not, under any circumstances use one of those nasty, smelly septic coffins. I don't care if I have to walk a mile, in public, holding my crotch. I will not sit over a pile of human waste (that I actually have to see the moment I enter) with a container on my right that the last guy just peed in. NO FUCKING WAY! To avoid those nasty things, I've gone next to cars, in a marsh on the side of the road (ruined a nice pair of heels there) and other really public places.
I might just order this Whizzy thing. Ladies, would you use one?


  1. This post.... it just... kinda scares me.

    Necessity is the mother of invention, but those "product in use" pictures are just too much.

  2. Umm HELL NO!
    But I might save this idea for a bad birthday gift:-P

  3. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

  4. Are they disposable? If they are paper-like, would they get wet as you use them?

    I don't feel any love for the porta-potties, but I have used them. I'd absolutely rather use one of these little helpers than sit on those nasty seats ... or try to balance myself over one rather than sit.

    And I'll bet that search turned up way more than just products. :P

  5. Badass: Ah, my sensitive little Badass. I thought I might gross you out with this. But, it is the nature of my blog. I am here to horrify!

    The damn expat: It would be the best gag gift! I've already thought of that.

    Anonymous: I know! It is gross. But too funny not to write about!

    Debbie: That search turned up alot of stuff even I don't want to think about! I'm not sure if they're disposable. I was laughing too hard during the search to really get too much information.

  6. you know if they sent me some i would try it just for fucks sake..:D
    they look funny as hell but damn they got a good point.. who wants to try to squat and not get piss everywhere and find paper to wipe with . ugg. and thats why guys kills me. :p


    hey look here :)

  8. I would not use one...knowing me I wouldn't be able to figure it out and end up peeing on my pants. I'd rather deal with public bathrooms!

    Why don't you just wear depends?

  9. Yeah, so now I'd be peeing on my hand and spilling pee all over me while I tried to use one of those stupid things. I don't think so. They look very flimsy!

    I'm a pro squatter, and I never pee on my sassy shoes. I can stumble out into the woods and take care of business no matter what the conditions.

  10. I'd use one.

    Oh wait, I'm not a girl.

  11. Wow... this really changes things for me. I mean, I think (after I die laughing once dropping my drawers and attaching this to my body) I would actually have a lot of fun with it, like writing my name in the snow, or um... that's really all I've got. But I've always wanted to write my name in the snow! So ya.. one wintery day I might use it!

  12. I love a woman who loves bathroom humor. My wife isn't that way. She can't see the comedic value of me pooping with the door open and grunting uncontrollably like I'm trying to eject Richard Gere's gerbil from my posterior.

    And I see nothing wrong with these inventions. More specifically, I see nothing wrong with trying them out in public. I've had pictures taken of me pooping both indoors and outside, and hell...I've taken pictures of my poop itself when it's really impressive. In college I had a poster of all the different kinds of poop.

    So yeah, get Whizzy all up in this hizzy and P-Mate til you can't see straight.

    If you can't already tell, I'm a little bored and increasingly impatient at work right now as I await my editor's revisions to my story. But nice post.

  13. I've seen them before, not sure I could actually make myself pee standing up. I've done the squat and hover for hears but in full standing mode, dunno.

    I think you should do a giveaway with those. It's just your style!

  14. It's a toss up for me. I'm very rarely in a situation where I'd need one, except the yearly Renfest which only has portapotties. And talk about FOWL. I tease my husband constantly about getting a Stadium Buddy. I've even whined about how unfair it is they only make them for men. I'd love to have on in bed with me so I don't have to get out in the middle of a cold winter night to take a tinkle.

  15. I have no problem popping a squat. So I guess I wouldn't need it.

  16. Me again .... with a tag.

  17. Ahem.... I do not think so.... But this post was hilarious and cracked me up. The photos were way to funny!!!

    Happy Weekend!


  18. Ya know... I'm not into the whole peeing thing, but I'd watch this!

    My first thought was, 'gee, it would be nice to be a whizzy in my next life', but then I thought about the purpose and wouldn't want to be pissed all over. No matter how close to the love of my life I might be, it isn't worth the mess it would be.

    Hehe, I left an award for you at my place. Try not to piss all over it would ya?

  19. "Smelly septic coffins." That's poetry right there.

  20. Hell to the YEAH I would use one of these. In my former life I was an avid camper and these inventions are so amazing! As a drunken single 30 year old now, I could use one to pee in alleys. I kid, I kid. But I don't know if I'd use one at an EVENT with all kinds of people standing around. That's weird. I'm tempted to order some to try them out. Do your shoes get wet? How do you dispose of this? And why was this thing invented NOW when women have needed this thing FOR YEARS!!