Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Okay....I Confess....I Own One!

Warning: There are lots of naughty links in here. If you're planning on clicking at work make sure your IT guy is totally on board with you checking out the sex toy sites and you're prepared to be known as the office nympho. Obviously, this is not a problem at my office as I work with a bunch of perverts. This might be one of those posts that you read through and then just out the goodies once you get home.

You know how you just know someone is the right fit for your life? That guy at the coffee shop who has your non-fat cafe au lait waiting at the counter for you every morning because he sees your car pull into the lot. The sales clerk at your favorite shop who remembers your size and will call you if someone returns that dress that you were dying to have. Or maybe it's someone that you were "just friends" with and he bought you the vibrator you wanted for Christmas. All these people fit tidily into your life and make it effortless, seamless and happy. Then you marry one and it gets even better.

TH was the friend who got me the vibrator. (duh...did you think that I married the girl who called me about the dress. Sorry, wrong porno) Shocked that I did not own The Rabbit Pearl, he bought me one for Christmas. Fast forward one year, we're dating and the mother of all sex toys was tossed down the chimney and put under the tree. The Sybian.

Now, I was riding up a storm waaaaaaaaay before Howard Stern made this thing famous. I'm sure that you all have heard his show and seen the videos. So, yes....I have one of those things in real life. I think I've mentioned that we have alot of porn? A few times?...........Okay. Well, TH saw the Sybian in a movie and decided that his freaky girlfriend (me)would be the perfect person to try it. He was so right.

The Sybian is great, but just like a blow up doll, it's not a replacement for a real person. (duh!) The attachments are excellent molds of the real deal and feel quite lifelike. The vibration feature could be a little gentler on the start up. It's almost like a "putt, putt, putt" of an old car engine when you first flip the switch and it can be rough on your love button. Once it gets going, it's consistent and produces a nice tingle. The rotation feature could use some work. The low setting is nice and will give you that warm, gooey feeling. But, if you want to let your inner cowgirl out, you may have to pick another stallion. Crank that sucker up to High and you feel like you're being mixed with a swizzle stick. It reminded me of an internal ultrasound. Ick! I'm also wary of anything that you have to plug into a wall socket. It has one of those 3-prong plugs - similar to a heavy duty extension cord. That's some serious current being directed towards your nether regions.

It's also a pain the ass to set up and take down. Obviously, this isn't something that you can just leave out in the middle of your bedroom. Pets and children would take immediate interest and it would be hard to explain to your in-laws. Mine don't usually wander into my bedroom, but I can almost picture my dog dancing proudly into the family room with one of the attachments in his mouth.

So, my Sybian lives in the box it was delivered in and is stored in my home office closet. I pull it out a few times a year if TH is on a business trip and I need a little something extra. The effort to pull the thing out, set it up, lube up attachments, get comfortable, get going, say Oh yeah!, clean everything off and put it away is almost too much when I can grab a mini vibe from my toy chest and polish myself off in less than minute. We've used it together - me riding and giving a "job" at the same time. But, for the hefty price of over $1000, I can think of 54 other things that we could do together and have just as much fun. But, that's just me, lovers. I'm into quick, cheap and easy when it comes to my toys. I could have gone to the "stud ranch" and gotten me a real pony ride for that kinda money.

But, when it's all said and done, I got me a real live stallion for a husband. If I want a hard, fast ride all it costs me is a plate of brownies. He's cheap like that!


  1. Good news....

    I AM the IT guy at work, so whatever I click on is Ok by me ;)

  2. Sounds like entirely too much effort.

  3. A plate of brownies would totally work for me, too.

    Oh, and a sandwich afterwards.

  4. LMAO I actually say the Sybian in a movie too! I have never watched Howard Stern before, but about a year ago, I read an interview online somewhere about that blonde chick that dates Jim Carrey, that she used to be bi or something, and that Stern got her to ride his Sybian (along with a variety of other stars) and that she now denies having done it or some such crap.

  5. I would never buy my wife a Sybian. I have a hard enough time convincing her to sleep with me as it is, I don't need to bring competition into the picture!

  6. I can't believe it costs more than a thousand bucks! For that price I want more than a good F**K, I want dinner too.

  7. I waited until I got home before I checked this out. Thanks for the heads-up. $1000 is a little rich for my blood. I'm cheap and easy too. Looks like it may be time to upgrade to that rabbit thingy though.

  8. Ha, what a nice man for throwing you a bone under the tree.

    When Jamie and I first started dating, he gave me a $100/month sex toy budget. Fast forward to kids and marriage and we have a suitcase full of unused shit hidden in the closet.

  9. I love my rabbit, and I guarantee there's no way I'd use that contraption more than once. Way too much work. Hell, I can polish myself off, so I would never spend a grand on a dust collector. I had no idea they cost that much. CRAZY!!!