- The ceremony started at 10AM. Who the fuck thought that one up? Why in all that is holy would you start something like that so early? Because we had to be there early (my mother is crazy like that), I had to leave my house at 6:30 AM to make the 1 1/2 hour drive to my grandmothers house to meet up with everyone. If you've never gotten up at that hour on your day off, let me tell you....it sucks
- We drove to the ceremony in my grandmothers car. She drives a Grand Marquis which we all lovingly refer to as "The Boat". It takes up a lane and a half of roadway. I asked her when the guide trucks with the "OVERSIZED LOAD" were arriving to escort us to the school. I don't know why she didn't think that was funny.
- On the drive over to the school, I dazzled my mother with information on my blog and my sudden success with the sex toy scene. She just sat there and rolled her eyes. She doesn't understand me. My grandmother acted horrified but I know she was secretly impressed. My Dad drove along silently, pretending he was somewhere else. Hey, I refuse to dumb down what I am. I am freaky. I will not hide it.
- During the ceremony, the seats that we sat on were tiny, hard and wobbly. My left ass cheek fell asleep immediately and the feeling traveled down my leg and into my foot.
- A 1/3 of the way through, I had to pee so bad my palms were sweating. The gallon or so of coffee I had drunk to make myself coherent enough to drive at 6AM had finally entered my bladder.
- At the halfway point (or so I'd hoped), I was so bored that I began texting everyone I knew. Thank God Firecrotch kept me entertain for awhile. After that I began to play my favorite game of "Who The Hell Let That Woman Out Of The House In That Outfit?" There were many victims. My grandmother played along.
- After my sister received her diploma, there were still 400 who hadn't. Rather than sit quietly and politely through the name calling, my mother decided that this would be an opportune time to talk about why I'm not pregnant yet. The couple sitting behind us were treated to her take on the situation. She thinks I should have twin girls and name them Gwendolyn Helen and Charlotte Eva. After I told her that I wasn't sure if we would have kids, she started freaking out. Because I couldn't give her a good enough reason why the subject is not on the table right now, she started inventing reasons for her to worry. So, at the moment I'm apparently barren and my husband is too old to have children.
- The ceremony ended without me wetting my pants (although, I was close). As we all gathered outside, the conversation turned to where we would go for lunch. My vote was anywhere that had toilet. I hadn't reach the point of sacrificing myself to the porta potties, but I was getting close. I had napkins in my purse and was eyeing the woods that edged the field where the tent was erected. If they didn't decide soon, I was gonna make a break for it.
- During lunch, the waitress forgot to put a lemon wedge in my fathers water glass. My mother asked him if he'd "like a squeeze" (of her lemon). He said with a smirk, "Honey, don't ask me stuff like that in front of the girls". My sister and I nearly vomited on ourselves. I'm all for being freaky, but my parent doing it is just plain wrong! I still pretend I was delivered in a basket by the stork. They do not have sex. They just don't.
1. Runaway - Damn Yankees
2. Stuck - Staci Orrico
3. Paper Bag - Anna Nalick
4. P.S. I Love You - Bette Midler
5. Come Undone - Duran Duran
6. Enemy - Days of the New
7. The Power of Goodbye - Madonna
8. Circus - Britney Spears (don't judge me)
9. Hollywoods Not America - Ferras
10. Almost Honest - Megadeth
That's a Tuesday wrap, lovers!