Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Random Tuesday - Worm Shit, Urinals, & B.O.

  • This weekend marked the official start of nude sunbathing on my back porch. Tan lines are evil, people. The trees haven't fully grown in yet to shield the neighbors, but whatever. No small children were scarred. For those of you that did a fly over, I hope that you enjoyed the sight of my pasty white skin and my fabulous new "Toyota Trucks are #1 ballcap that I snagged from TH. The next showing will be this Saturday around 1:30ish PM (EST).
  • Have you ever been dying for someone to email you, but alas, are waiting in vain? Yeah, me neither.
  • Last Thursday, Fancy Pants came streaking into my office with an alarmed look on his face. "There is a pubic hair on the urinal in the men's bathroom" he sputtered. "It grossed me out so much I couldn't use it". Not sure what he expected me to do about it, I said "What color is it? Maybe we can figure out whose it is and have them remove it". What? You would have said the same thing, right? It would have been an easy search. Everyone knows that a persons pubic hair is the same color as their eyebrows.
  • I have started to look at my bare stomach in the mirror all the time. I'm that proud of it. If you ever walk into a public bathroom and there is a woman standing infront of the mirror with her shirt raised, say hi. It's probably me.
  • For those of you who have never been to the Northeast and experienced the "oak pollen season" you're really missing something. My car is covered with fine yellow dust as well as everything in my house. I have sneezed at least 16 times today. It is also "inch worm season" Tiny, little green worms are EVERYWHERE! They are crawling on the trees, house, plants and my car. To make matters worse, they shit all over the place. If you stand quietly under the trees in my backyard, it sounds like there is a light rain falling. But, it's not rain. It's worm shit.
  • At least "peeper season" is over. Peepers are tiny little frogs that "peep" until they find a mate or die. We have a small pond (swamp) about 500 yards from our backyard that is filled with the suckers. Those horny little fuckers have been peeping their brains out for the past couple weeks. They all must have gotten laid because all we hear now is the worms shitting.
  • Last week, TH decided to get extra onions on his pizza. As I drove home from picking up the pies, my car was enveloped in a cloud of cooked onions. Knowing that is would still smell that way the next day, I left my windows cracked overnight to air out the stink. The next day, the smell had turn to a nasty B.O. stench. Gagging, I drove to work with all the windows open as well as the sunroof. Later on in the day, as the sun was streaming in my office windows, I began to get a little warm. Within minutes, my office stank of B.O. The smell had permeated my clothes and my body heat had activated the stink. TH is picking up the pizza from now on or buying me a roof rack for my car.
That's a Tuesday wrap, lovers.


  1. Ok, now if I ever walk into a women's room and see a girl looking at her tummy in the mirror I am going to bust up laughing because of you. Thanks.

  2. Maybe a skunk got in overnight while you had the windows open?

  3. What's so gross about a pubic hair on the urinal? Sometimes when you go to unravel the garden house you end up inadvertently pulling out a few, which then flutter to the urinal below. Fancy Pants needs to get over it.

    And you need to stop checking yourself out in public bathrooms. That's just weird.

  4. I'm with Badass Geek, onions are the root of all that is evil. Somehow, I think they're even responsible for tan lines.

    Happy RTT!

  5. I love the peeping frogs. I hope they all got laid, made a bunch of baby peeps and take over your swamp, you meaner!

    Oh, and I love onions.

  6. Sure, blame the onions. I thought peepers were going to be something totally different coming from you.

    We had Oak pollen season down here about a month ago and the pollen is still floating around here making us sneeze. It sucks.

  7. How much time do you figure the guys controlling spy satellites spend watching nude beaches?

  8. geez, nude sunbaking and fancy pants streaking and 'peepers'. this post was a lot, even for you!lol