Thursday, June 11, 2009

A Day In The Life Of A Convention Booth Hooker

Oh, the things I will do for the firm. Oh, the levels of filth I will stoop to.

It's not every day I get to leave the office. In fact, I never get to leave. Maybe I'll take off for an hour to do an errand. But, I never get to spend the day cruising around, attending meeting after meeting or having elegant business lunches like the Partners. So, when I was invited (read: forced to attend) to the 33rd North American Heating & Energy Expo in Boston I felt like an escapee from Gitmo.

Now, I know those of you who know my true identity (I feel like Wonder Women when I say that), must be wondering why in the hell my firm would attend an event like that. It has absolutely, positively NOTHING to do with our business. But, let me tell you. There is big moola in fuel and if nothing else, our firm is all about the $$$.

Here are a few things I learned during my time as a convention booth hooker:

1. I will never again under estimate the power of my legs in heels. While I may be on the muscular side and I don't have super long, thin stems like Cameron Diaz, my legs got more attention than the information we were trying to hand out. Partner #3 kept looking at me and smirking. When I asked him what the hell was going on he said, "I keep thinking that these people are looking back over their shoulder to see our sign, but they're really getting a second look at your legs". Hey, what ever gets them over to the booth.

2. Unless you want to be cripple for two days straight, do not wear 4 inch heel strappy sandals if you have to stand for 6 hours in a row. I did sit on a stool every few minutes, but that just made the attention towards my legs worse. It's been two days and my feet, back, legs and toes are KILLING me! I have five gigantic blisters and I am hobbling around.

3. While the above comments make me sound like a complete whore, my attire for said convention was completely appropriate. My dress was a conservative grey, knee length, sleeveless Calvin Klein dress with a belted waist. My shoes were not hooker heels, but beautiful black chic heels with demure straps.

4. Do not business flirt with Italian men. They will take your attention seriously and will invite you back to their hotel room for ice cream.

5. Blue collar guys are so much easier to deal with than the white collar guys (or as I call them - The Suits). If a blue collar guy wants something, he'll just come right out with it. The Suits are stealthy and sly. They use big words and shiny objects. If you like my ass just say, "Hi, I like your ass." Don't get all cute and say "So, are you having a good time at the convention? Oh, and by the way, limn, tintinabulation, obfuscation, sesquipedalian do you see this shiny pinkie ring?" That just confuses me.

6. I must never again forget to have coffee in the AM and I must always eat lunch on time. At 2 pm I was running to the food court before I passed out from hunger and I was distracted by the goodies at the silent auction table. One of the convention coordinators was at the table talking to an expensively dressed Suit. When he saw me oogling the gift baskets and called me over to say hi. Even though I was on the verge of full of keeling over, I decided to be polite. When I walked towards the Suit he glanced at my convention badge and say, "Hello, Mistress Serena. What does Satan's Workshop do?" I just stood there with an open mouth and blinked at him. Lack of caffeine and low blood sugar had completely wiped out my brain. I couldn't remember what my firm was about and what we specialized in. I managed to sputter out a few sentences and couldn't answer him when he asked where our booth was so he could stop by later. He just smiled, shook my hand and left. Perky little convention guy said, "Ooooooh, he is a really important contact to make. He owns everything." Great. One of the most important people at the convention and I made a complete, blubbering fool of myself. Thankfully, I managed to get his info and have started an email relationship. SCORE!

7. If I was the only one at the booth, people would consistently stop to say hi. If Partner #3 was there with me, the flow slowed to a trickle. I kept shooing him away. He would wander back around after 20 minutes or so and I would hand him a bunch of business cards with a smirk on my face. Maybe if he didn't look so grumpy and bored people would have been more attracted to him. Maybe he should have worn a dress and heels.

8. Apparently my absence on Wednesday was distressing to many attendees and exhibitors. People were asking for me. I had hoped my presence wouldn't have mattered. Now, the worst will happen. I'm gonna have to do it again. I have become the firms "Booth Bitch".

I have always sneered at those girls who dress in tiny outfits and sashay around the exhibition booths. Now I pity them. I had to take a 30 minute shower to wash the expo slime off me.

7 comments:

  1. Hey, someone's gotta liven up a heating and energy expo. Might as well be you, girl!

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  2. Top pickup lines I would've thrown at you had I been attending the Heating & Energy Expo:

    "I've got an alternative energy source for you in my pants."

    "Hey baby, wanna sample my biodiesel?"

    "You're overheating my nuclear core."

    "Are you the cause of global warming? Cuz those legs could melt the polar ice caps!"

    You a little moist after reading those? It's OK, I don't blame you. No woman can resist my game and those sick one-liners!

    As you can tell, my days as a single man were fraught with frustration. And I got slapped a lot.

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  3. All I can picture is you standing next to a large boat with your arms going up and down like Vanna White. :)

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  4. Ah, yes. The Booth Bitch. This was my title for a few years as I attended convention after convention for the sporting goods manufacturer I used to work for. I always wore awesome, sexy heels (I was a glutton for punishment, I guess) but never stooped so low as to wear those tiny little outfits. Just the shoes and legs drew the men in like moths to a flame. Easy targets, if you ask me. :)

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  5. Well at least they let you out for a couple of days. Admit it, it's nice being ogled, isn't it? I was once the token female on our company's big wig golf tournament and it was interesting to say the least. Oh, and I got drunk with my bosses and accidentally threw one of them out of the golf cart when I took a sharp turn. Good times.

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  6. Any man that doesn't steal a second look shouldn't have been looking in the first place.

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  7. I remember my days as a 'booth bitch' too. I just stumbled upon your blog. I am enjoying reading it.

    Thank you!

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