Friday, July 17, 2009

Bare Neked Experiments

There has been all of this stuff in the news lately about Naked Hiking Day. A bunch of people use one day out of the year to hike around in the buff. Imagine taking a daily walk along your favorite nature trail only to come across a hairy, 50 year old man traipsing along with his doodle on display. Then there was the guy who decided to strip down to his birthday suit on an airplane. I guess those FAA laws and all the terrorist stuff just didn't apply to him. He claims he suffers from bipolar disorder and forgot to take his meds. I say he just wanted to get his freak on. And there was the chick who stabbed her roommate because she was asked not to walk around naked in the apartment. I can understand that request. I've had roommates before and I didn't want to see then naked either.

People just like to be naked. There are the true blue nudists who really want to be in tune with nature. There are those who want you to believe they are nudists, but are just freaky little perverts. Then there are people like my friend James (Hi James!!!!) who just want to see lots of boobies at the nude beach. I don't fall into any of these categories. I'm more of a gee-I'm-home-and-wouldn't-it-be-nice-if-I-didn't-have-to-wear-clothes or more importantly NO TAN LINES! Most of the time I have clothes on; a sundress, cutoffs and a t-shirt or something equally as casual. But, after the Naked Hiker Day story, I thought that I'm might do a little experiment. I would spend 3 hours doing stuff around the house in the nude. Sure, it would have been fun to frolic in the state park naked as a jaybird. But, this is Cape Cod. I grew up here. There is a 95% chance I would run into someone I know with a 99% chance that it would be one of my high school teachers or even better, a client.

So, back to my little experiment.

It was a Saturday and the weather was cloudy, breezy and slightly muggy. It was a perfect day to do some housework. I stripped down to what nature gave me and went to work. It only took me 15 minutes to forget that I was naked. It took me another 15 minutes to realize that I loved laying on our perfectly made up bed and feeling the breeze on my skin. 5 minutes later....well, we ALL know what I did. After that, naked reading. Three hours were up in a flash. Housework remained undone, but I was happy and satisfied....twice.

That's it, lovers. If I cannot be naked in my own house without doing something naughty, how would I act at a nudist camp, a nude beach or hiking naked? If I am feeling the least bit randy, you can see it on my face, plain as day. I always thought those passages in romance novels were a bunch of hooey. "Her eyes became limpid pools, a flush rose up between her breasts and she felt her limbs grow heavy as a whisper of lust curled in her belly" Well, it was time for Experiment #2: What do I look like when I'm REALLY horny? I had to put in the "really" 'cuz feeling frisky is a part of my every day persona.

Well, the perfect time was this past Tuesday. I had to attend one of those Gawd awful Chamber of Commerce Business Network Events (aka The Events We Go To For The Free Booze and Food). I am Miss Sally Lightweight and after 2 beers (on a very empty stomach) I had a fire ignite my loins. I was ready for some fun and TH was gonna be my playground. To keep myself (and my fingers) occupied on the ride home, I called everyone I could think of. It wasn't a technically a drunk dial situation (I wasn't drunk) and it was only a 20 minute ride. It was a mercy dial. I only only made it to the "D's" when I pulled into my driveway.

I walked into the house and went straight for a mirror. This would have been my passage

"Her hazel eyes were hidden behind Oakley sunglasses she'd forgotten when she entered the house. Her long, thick blond hair was a windblown, salt ridden mess from the breeze that had blown off the ocean while she was at the event. A Blackberry was glued to her ear as she babbled on and on about gossip from the gym and Sam Adams Light beer perfumed her breath. Her cranberry silk shirt showed off her toned arms but could do nothing to hide the fact that she had no breasts. Her black pencil skirt hugged her curves and showed off her banging ass. Her Charles David shoes were fabulous.

After she hung up the phone, she proceeded to chase her husband around the house in an effort to mount him as quickly as possible. Her efforts were in vain. He wanted dinner and she looked like a crazed socialite. There would be no nookie that night. She inhaled a mound of pasta with pesto and promply passed out."

Oh well. Anything else you think I should try?


  1. Sometimes, dinner takes importance.

  2. Maybe you should start with nude sunbathing where the thought of being caught would prevent anything naughty.

    Or maybe not....Mmmmm pasta with pesto!

  3. I think that the idea of seeing other naked individuals would be a risk....they might really turn you on, or they might revolt you, and in that case, you hopefully wouldn't feel so frisky. So hang out nude with people you think are ugly?

    You should write romance novels for a living.

  4. Am I the only one concerned about possible insect / foliage-related issues with the naked hiking?

  5. Think of the investment in sunblock. Mmmmmm....pasta!

  6. I forgot to mention. At Washington State University we celebrated the 8th of May as outdoor intercourse day. Sometimes you'd come across couples celebrating in the traditional way. College kids look way better than 50+ year olds.

  7. I went to a couple nude beaches back in the day, and sadly it's the ugliest people that run around naked in public.

    In the confines of your own home, it does make you/me super horny, though! Keep it up, and he'll catch on and get it up...

  8. Swimming nekked is the best feeling ever. Especially if it's warm ocean water like in Maui.

    Naked hiking? Prickly bushes, sharp rocks, wild animal hiking? No thanks.

  9. These days I'd opt for pasta and pesto but my sore boobs could be the culprit. I've been told no sex for six weeks, doctors orders.

    My brother's baby mama and her entire family are nudists. They grew up spending weekends and summers at a nudist resort. It's just plain weird. Naked adults is one thing but to play naked volleyball with your kids is something else.