Monday, July 13, 2009

Waxing Derriere

I think that overall body maintenance is important. That's the main reason I torture myself at the gym, slather on creams and lotions and hide under a hat when I go outside in the sun. I'm trying to preserve myself for years to come. I watch all of those silly 20-something girls who lay like oiled sardines, baking in the sun and think, "Just wait until you're 40. You're gonna look like a alligator handbag." If I do feel the need to add some color to my pale Irish skin, I sit out for 1 hour. That's a 1/2 hour on each side. Naked. If you're gonna get some color, you might as well tan the whole caboodle. But, you'd heard all that before. You've also heard about my visits to keep my lady bits tidy. First there was the Brazilian Mistress of Pain. Now, I see the Wax Nazi whose brutal methods strip me of every single hair in my nether regions. She is dynamite, lovers. Ruthless, cold and mercy-free. Every three weeks, I meekly step into her Den of Pain and an hour later, I walk out a smooth woman.

So, I'm in there this past Saturday and she's doing her normal routine. Slap on the wax, lay down the strip and yank. All the while she's gabbing away.

"Men ez like kidz, you know" she said. "Dey need to be treat like kidz and you get you way."

I just nodded. I had just run a 5K road race, I was tired and trying not to cry as she attacked the crease of my leg with a pair of tweezers. We had done this conversation before and I was praying she wasn't going to start on the sex advice. I was aware that "women have to be both lover and whore to man". Didn't she know she was talking to an expert?

We had just finished the legs over the head routine as she tidied up the back end when she told me to flip over on my stomach. This was a new position that she'd been using lately. Apparently it was easier for her to hit a few spots with my ass in the air. She had also been using powder as a follow up instead of the diaper creme stuff. It didn't make it any less humiliating, but it smelled alot better. I was still having flashbacks of being changed as a child.

So, I'm lying on my stomach and she's chatting away while powering my bum. I'm struggling to stay awake and daydreaming about napping on my chaise lounge when I felt her swipe a big coat of wax on my butt cheek. My napping fantasy was brutally interrupted. Was she really gonna....RIIIIIIIPPPP! You guessed it, she'd just waxed my butt cheek.

Now, just hold on a minute. Do not start to think that I have hair on my ass. No way, No how, NADA. You know how everyone has a tiny bit of peach fuzz all over their body. It's left over from our caveman days when we were totally in need of waxing services. Well, the Wax Nazi HATES hair. If she sees it, she goes after it. It doesn't matter where it is. It doesn't matter if it is not visible to the naked eye. She's got these special goggles that enable her to see microscopic hair and she was wearing them at that moment.

Well, now that she's waxed one cheek, she's on to the other one. Chirping away like a bird.

"Theze ez good if yous wear short shorts" she said as she encased my other cheek in wax.

How short does she think my shorts are? I don't parade around in booty shorts with my ass hanging out. Okay....I DO hang out in booty shorts at home. But there was nothing there to wax. It didn't feel any different when she finished.

I am utterly humiliated, but, silky smooth as satin. I fear for the next time.


  1. Om my word. The things you put yourself through are amazing.

  2. Yes I do my every 3 weeks Brazilian mainly to hide the fact that I'm all gray down there which certainly blows my cover as a redhead

  3. Yeah, I could NEVER do that, NEVER!!!!!

  4. ouch! I'd need an epidural first! LOL
    Good for you for being so brave!
    -Morvy :-)

  5. That is an entirely new level of pain that I hope to never endure.

  6. I'm thinking we should pin down the Geek and make him experience the pain involved in tidying up our nether parts. Fun times!

    I can't decide whether it's a good thing or not to have a vision of you in my head, laying on your stomach with your ass in the air. Right now, you look like Megan Fox in my head, so I guess it's a good thing. :)

  7. That woman sounds like a nazi for sure. I'd be afraid...

  8. There is no way that you could convince me that an ass waxing is a good idea.

  9. There is absolutely NO WAY I could do that. I admire your bravery, grasshopper. Ass waxing?!? Yep, only a nazi could do that.