Tuesday, July 7, 2009

RTT - Underwear, Batteries and Other Bullshit

The other day, one of the associates in my office was looking for AAA batteries. I took out my purse, removed the batteries from my travel vibrator and promptly gave them to him. No, I didn't do it in front of him. He was very impressed with my sacrifice.

Do not post a negative Facebook status if your boss is one of your "friends". I had a minor meltdown last Wednesday, posted something about needing a change and Partner #1 came flying in my office the next day asking if I was alright. He thought I was thinking about quitting. Was I? He'll never know.

I told Fancy Pants I was thinking about buying a glass sex toy 'cuz I don't have on yet. He told me I should put it in the freezer before I use it. I still haven't gotten over that comment. What have I done to the poor boy. He was so sweet and innocent when I first met him. Now, he's giving me sex tips.

TH and I were lying in bed the other night. He turned to me and said, "Are these yours?" and held out one of my thongs. I guess it had gotten caught in the sheets when I did the laundry. (Damn you static cling). I frowned at him and said "You'd better hope they're mine or we need to have a talk". Who elses did they think the were? The man will do anything to fantasize about me having a lesbian affair.

Why is it when I eat a donut during an office meeting everyone looks at me like I'm ingesting toxic waste? Meanwhile, they're all stuffing their pieholes as fast as they can. I exercise four times as much as them. I think I can handle a donut.....or two. Especially if they are the homemade kind from "The Hole" in Orleans, MA. Mmmmmmmmm. Tasty.

I bought my first clementis plant this weekend. I want to train this vine to trail all over my mailbox. I'm determine to have one of those yards that people drool over when they drive by. TH is in charge of installing the new mailbox. He has decided that our mailbox is going to be bright purple and numbers will be decals from race car numbers. Apparently he has decided to go the redneck route and not the beautiful yard route. But, marriage is about compromises. I'm hoping that within a year the vine will have grown so much that it covers the entire mailbox.

BTW, I think "clementis" sounds like a STD. When I asked the guy at the nursery where they were kept, I snickered. Please forgive me. My maturity level stands at 14 years old today.

That's a wrap, lovers.


  1. What? No iPod random playlist rundown with a guaranteed Britney Spears song?


  2. I think if Hotty Hubby ever asked me if a random set of underwear in our bed was mine, I'd be tempted to deadpan it and say "No" just to watch him squirm.

    But I'm an evil bitch :)

  3. It does sound like an STD but I think that's why you like it. And how does one train plants? I'm having a hard enough time training my kids and dogs.

  4. They look at you that way because they can't believe you eat donuts and look as good as you do, when they eat donuts and get blubbery asses. Little do they realize it takes so much hard work. Because they're men.

  5. Are those donuts better than Krispy Kreme?? Mmmmm....Kriiiiiispy Kreeeeme.