Monday, February 2, 2009

Bad Gyno

All you men complain that you have to deal with "the finger" once a year. Ohhhhhh....a prostate exam....that's just so invasive. It lasts all of 5 seconds. Try donning a paper gown and lying with you feet in stirrups as a someone hangs out down by your Woo Haa for 10-15 minutes. Then we'll talk.

Nothing is worse than the Box Doctor. I would rather spend the entire day under Partner #3's thumb than spend 2 seconds with my doctor who must dip his hands in ice water before he gives me a breast exam. But the events of my last visit are so hilarious that I felt I must share them with you.

Like all women, (normal women) I hate the annual visit to Dr. Box. I hate the waiting rooms that only have parenting magazines. I hate the other patients, most of whom are 18 or younger and look like they live under a rock. You gotta love community health care. My doctor switched to a different office a few years ago and now I have to hang out with the dregs of society. I know that it makes me sound like a snob. But, it burns me to know that I'm paying for these little tramps health care. If I didn't like my doctor so much, I would switch to another who has a private practice.

But, I digress....

I'm sitting there waiting for my turn and reading about the latest strides in breast pumps. Stimulating stuff. FINALLY, the door opens and a women calls my name. She didn't look like one of the regular nurses, but I figured that maybe things were busy and one of the office girls was doing the check ins. We exchanges pleasantries and walked towards the scale for the weigh in. I took off my shoes and stepped on the scale backwards. I never look at the weigh in and I make sure they never tell me my weight. The visit is painful enough.

So I'm standing there as she's knocking the weights back and forth, frowning at herself. She glances at my chart, then glances back up at the scale. She looks at me, looks at my chart and says, "Well, I see you've gained a bit of weight".

Bitch! She's acting like I've gained 50 lbs. Maybe I put on a few pounds, but it was winter weight gain from the holidays. She was looking at me like I had morphed into Oprah after a late night cookie binge.

I gave her a tight smile as I step off the scale and back into my heels to follow her down to the exam room. I was already scripting my complaint to my doctor about this bitch's attitude. How did some office wench have the balls to make a comment about my weight. She was no supermodel. In fact, she probably outweighed me by 20 lbs.

We go into the exam room and turned to her for my gown. Instead, she closed the door and sat down on the doctors stool with my chart and invited me to have a seat in the guest chair. At this point, I am totally confused. Why is this woman in here with me and where was the doctors nurse?

"How have you been feeling" she asked me.

"Fine" I sighed while staring up at the ceiling wishing for cold hands on boobies instead of this bitch's company.

"You not in any discomfort. No spotting or breast soreness?"

"No," I said with obvious irritation. Why was this woman asking me all these questions? Where was the fucking doctor?

"How long has it been since your last appointment"

I looked at her with a raised eyebrow "A year" I said with a bit of attitude. "This is my annual exam" Who was this chick? Wasn't she reading my chart?

She looked even more confused than when she had practically called me a heifer as she weighed me in. "So, how's the baby doing?"

Baby? What baby?

"Um, I don't have a baby" I said.

She looked up from my chart and said, "You didn't just have a baby a month ago"

I smiled and said, "I think I would remember if I did"

Her eyes grew wide and she frantically flipped through my chart. "What's your date of birth" she panted.

"April 18, 1977"

Her mouth dropped open as she found the right page. "Oh my God. You're the wrong person"

She was mortified and I just started laughing. "Well, it's a good thing you didn't confuse me for someone who needed an STD shot."

She continued to look horrified, grabbed the chart and walked out of the room mumbling "I'll get the nurse."

Apparently, there were two Serena's in the waiting room. Due to privacy laws, they can only call out your first name. When my name was called, I was the first one to jump up. The woman who called my name was the nurse practitioner and not an office administrator. I still wonder how she kept going even after the weigh-in. Once all this was sorted out, I got a peek at the other girl. She was barely 5 ft tall and couldn't have weighed more than 90lbs. (I'm 5'6" and built like a brick house.)

I'm thinking I might switch doctors now.


  1. I have learned the hard way that men doctors are a lot nicer than women doctors down there.

  2. Ugh *that* exam. I hate it from the bottom of my heart. I hate laying there with my legs splayed apart like an animal.

    But you are right. Thank heavens she stopped when she did.

  3. I know I'm a total freak, don't hold it against me but I kinda love the gyno. The thing is, I have some high maintenance cancer-related issues so when I go, I feel SO relieved to check off all my annual things. I know, it's weird but I LOVE my nurse practitioner and she has warm hands and makes sure I get all my tests. So, yeah .... I"m weird ... ignore me ....

  4. I really like my doctor, and she's got a swanky new office, so I hate the yearly business a bit less than I used to. Or maybe after you have a kid you just get used to it. Those weekly checks were so fun!

  5. C'mon...women must love the gynecologist. It's like getting some action for a mere $15 co-pay. All of you women can stop pretending it's not fun and arousing now. The jig is up! ;-)

    But that is a very funny story. I wish I could've seen her face when she realized the mistake. And you do realize this means whenever I see you from here on out I'm going to rub your belly and say "He's gonna be a soccer player!"

    By the way, what'd your doctor say when he finally came in and learned what happened?

  6. Now, that I've passed the one year mark without Aunt Flo coming to visit I don't have to have annual exams every year. Only about every three. WooHoo! Almost makes that whole bitchy, hot flash, night sweat thing all worth it. Almost!

  7. That is HILARIOUS! I would have been like "the twins are doing fine!"
    I too used to hate going for the yearly - although, now, I am going to the OB every 2 weeks and I have a sinking feeling that the yearly exam is about to feel like a walk in the park compared to giving birth ! Yikes.
    (so, are you going to blog about your adventures in babysitting?)

  8. Hey, we're almost the same age. My bday is 3/3/77!

    I love my OB too, I had withdrawals after my kids were born since I couldn't see her anymore. You're right, the offices are stacked with Parents magazines... it's annoying even to me, someone with kids.

  9. I'm a little young for the Finger exam still, but I will dread that day like nothing else.

  10. Kat: I love my doctor. He's also a hunk too! It's interesting in a weird creepy way.

    Bella: I agree totally!

    LilSass: If I had those issues, I think that I would like it more. But, alas....I'm healthy and hating it!

    Lola: I wish he would get a new office. I HATE this one!

    Daddyfiles: If you even think about rubbing my belly I will kick you in the balls.
    My doctor was horrified when he found out what happened! They get sued for things less than that!

    Michele: I would love to have the hotflashes and night sweats instead of the exams!!!

    Morvy: I would love to blog about my babysitting adventure. But the only thing I have to say is that he was a perfect angel! I don't know what Daddyfiles is complaining about all the time. He's a perfect baby!

    Casey: you're still older....HA HA!!!

    BadAss: I asked Big K about the "finger" and he said it's not a huge deal. Then I laughed at him!!!

  11. I had the wrong chart thing happen not too long ago. And it was in the office where I was the practice manager for 20 years. I quit 10 years ago, but they KNOW me. We're FRIENDS for God's sake. I was just at the doctor's home for her husband's retirement party. And I went in for a visit and she asked me how a certain medication was working for me. I said I wouldn't know .. I don't take that medicine. Wrong chart.

    Always, always check the chart ... don't assume that the doctor or nurse has the right one.

  12. Hi there. Found you via Casey at Half as Good As you. This is a hilarious (for us, the readers) post. :) Thanks for the giggles!