Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Homemade Remedy

An unprecedented event happened yesterday. An occurrence so odd that my co-workers were left in a state of confusion and wonder.

I went home sick.

This has never happened. In 2 1/2 years of my employment in Satan's Workshop I have never been sick....NEVER. I've hauled my sorry ass in with horrendous hangovers, snot laden allergies and I even showed up after I had minor surgery on my foot. But, yesterday was the worst it's ever been. As I sat at my desk, stoned on medication and coughing up a lung, I began to entertain the idea of going home. It wasn't until an impromptu meeting with Fancy Pants and Partner #1 that it became abundantly clear that I needed to leave. You know how little problems manifest into ginormous problems when you're stressed? Well, that's what happened. I almost mouthed off to Partner #1....in a very non-joking manner. Normally, I am the most mind mannered employee. I verbally bash my co-workers, but in a loving, joking way. Yesterday, I was postal. Crazy is not a good look for me.

I was in my sweats by noon, curled up in a ball on my couch and I did not move (save for bathroom breaks and refilling my juice glass) for 6 hours. I slept in waves and watched old movies. I was a mess. TH was at a loss when he got home. All I wanted was Kraft Mac n' Cheese and apple juice. I lay on the couch in agony. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get comfortable, nothing would make me happy. When TH is sick, I am the best nurse. I get him whatever he wants, I listen to him complain and I make him anything he wants to eat. He is the biggest baby. When I'm sick, he treats me like I have the plague.

I'm back at the office today, fully drugged and perfumed by Halls Advanced Vapor Action Cough Drops. Sexy. Everyone is giving me a wide berth. Smart men.

The animals that I work with have told me that I need "protein". That will soothe my throat. "Protein" also known as giving a blow job. A little homemade remedy. Now, I've got skills, but there is no way I'm giving head in my condition. I can't even breathe through my nose! Why do men think that this is the cure all, end all for EVERYTHING? From the flu to athletes foot - jizz is the new miracle drug.

Someone did tell me that Halls makes a blow job a bit more fun. Hmmmmm? A little Vapor Action, anyone?


  1. You are obviously better if you are blogging about blow jobs!

  2. I can't remember where I heard this exact same thing. Oh wait, know I remember JR told me this. Hmmmmm.....LOL!

    Hope to feel better soon.

  3. Guys think they're so original with that line. Hang in there, girl. My sickness has me on the couch still.

    Oh, and Altoids, Halls, it's all the same fun!

  4. My wife will often tell me she is craving protein. Shortly after, she slaps me for assuming that I thought she wanted to give me a BJ.

    What can I say? I'm a guy.

  5. Bella - If I was on my death bed, I would still be blogging about blowjobs.

    Michele: Men....they think the world revolves around their pecker!

    Lola: I'm glad you share my misery. Get well soon!!! Kraft Mac n' Cheese helps!

    Badass: Don't be so obvious about it, silly!!!

  6. It IS their cure-all, isn't it?

    I'm glad you went home to rest and hope you're all better soon!

  7. I'm sorry you are so sick! That sounds awful. I often wake up with a sore throat from allergies, and Sushi Boy always has the same "protein" remedy for me. They are sooo original!

  8. I always heard if a guy eats something like chocolate, his "protein" tastes like chocolate too. Maybe you could get Big K to take your cold meds for you and then....

  9. I usually get the protein crack when I say I am hungry in front of my husband. "I got a little protien for ya right here, baby"..ugh. Yeah cause that is exactly what I was thinking about when my stomach was grumbling "Man, I wish I had a little protein right now."

  10. My husband always thinks his "protein" will help me with anything.

    "I don't feel well" "you need some protein."
    "I'm hungry" "Here's some protein!"
    "The sky is blue" "Want some protein?"

  11. I have a new blog, the old one is closed for now. http://baconismylover.blogspot.com/

    Hope you are better today after your hot protein injection.

  12. Splooge does not feel good on a sore throat, believe me.

    I've done the "Halls trick" and had it done to me, not bad.

    Feel better.

  13. Good post. I will be going through some of these issues as well.

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