Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Homemade Remedy

An unprecedented event happened yesterday. An occurrence so odd that my co-workers were left in a state of confusion and wonder.

I went home sick.

This has never happened. In 2 1/2 years of my employment in Satan's Workshop I have never been sick....NEVER. I've hauled my sorry ass in with horrendous hangovers, snot laden allergies and I even showed up after I had minor surgery on my foot. But, yesterday was the worst it's ever been. As I sat at my desk, stoned on medication and coughing up a lung, I began to entertain the idea of going home. It wasn't until an impromptu meeting with Fancy Pants and Partner #1 that it became abundantly clear that I needed to leave. You know how little problems manifest into ginormous problems when you're stressed? Well, that's what happened. I almost mouthed off to Partner #1....in a very non-joking manner. Normally, I am the most mind mannered employee. I verbally bash my co-workers, but in a loving, joking way. Yesterday, I was postal. Crazy is not a good look for me.

I was in my sweats by noon, curled up in a ball on my couch and I did not move (save for bathroom breaks and refilling my juice glass) for 6 hours. I slept in waves and watched old movies. I was a mess. TH was at a loss when he got home. All I wanted was Kraft Mac n' Cheese and apple juice. I lay on the couch in agony. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get comfortable, nothing would make me happy. When TH is sick, I am the best nurse. I get him whatever he wants, I listen to him complain and I make him anything he wants to eat. He is the biggest baby. When I'm sick, he treats me like I have the plague.

I'm back at the office today, fully drugged and perfumed by Halls Advanced Vapor Action Cough Drops. Sexy. Everyone is giving me a wide berth. Smart men.

The animals that I work with have told me that I need "protein". That will soothe my throat. "Protein" also known as giving a blow job. A little homemade remedy. Now, I've got skills, but there is no way I'm giving head in my condition. I can't even breathe through my nose! Why do men think that this is the cure all, end all for EVERYTHING? From the flu to athletes foot - jizz is the new miracle drug.

Someone did tell me that Halls makes a blow job a bit more fun. Hmmmmm? A little Vapor Action, anyone?

13 comments:

  1. You are obviously better if you are blogging about blow jobs!

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  2. I can't remember where I heard this exact same thing. Oh wait, know I remember JR told me this. Hmmmmm.....LOL!

    Hope to feel better soon.

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  3. Guys think they're so original with that line. Hang in there, girl. My sickness has me on the couch still.

    Oh, and Altoids, Halls, it's all the same fun!

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  4. My wife will often tell me she is craving protein. Shortly after, she slaps me for assuming that I thought she wanted to give me a BJ.

    What can I say? I'm a guy.

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  5. Bella - If I was on my death bed, I would still be blogging about blowjobs.

    Michele: Men....they think the world revolves around their pecker!

    Lola: I'm glad you share my misery. Get well soon!!! Kraft Mac n' Cheese helps!

    Badass: Don't be so obvious about it, silly!!!

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  6. It IS their cure-all, isn't it?

    I'm glad you went home to rest and hope you're all better soon!

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  7. I'm sorry you are so sick! That sounds awful. I often wake up with a sore throat from allergies, and Sushi Boy always has the same "protein" remedy for me. They are sooo original!

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  8. I always heard if a guy eats something like chocolate, his "protein" tastes like chocolate too. Maybe you could get Big K to take your cold meds for you and then....

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  9. I usually get the protein crack when I say I am hungry in front of my husband. "I got a little protien for ya right here, baby"..ugh. Yeah cause that is exactly what I was thinking about when my stomach was grumbling "Man, I wish I had a little protein right now."

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  10. My husband always thinks his "protein" will help me with anything.

    "I don't feel well" "you need some protein."
    "I'm hungry" "Here's some protein!"
    "The sky is blue" "Want some protein?"

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  11. I have a new blog, the old one is closed for now. http://baconismylover.blogspot.com/

    Hope you are better today after your hot protein injection.

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  12. Splooge does not feel good on a sore throat, believe me.

    I've done the "Halls trick" and had it done to me, not bad.

    Feel better.

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    ReplyDelete