Monday, February 23, 2009

Hollywood Thinks I'm A Fattie

I will admit that I'm not in the best shape. I have a slight Christmas Package (that's the fat that hangs out just under your abs), my thighs have the faint rippling of cellulite and my ass could use a serious overhaul. I wouldn't wear a bikini if you paid me a million bucks and promised me a weekend of passion with Vin Diesel and Jason Statham at a posh resort in the Caribbean. No way, no how, not happening.

Aside from that fact that fate dealt me a mean punch and choose not to bless me with bodacious Ta Ta's,(I got zip in that department) I feel pretty good about my body. I'm very strong. Freakishly strong. I enjoy "wowing" people with my strength. I'm also deceptionally heavy. Muscle weighs more than fat, right? Well, the next time you see me try to pick me up. You might just throw your back out. Big K scooped me up to carry me over the threshold on our wedding night and nearly slipped a disk. Densely packed. That's what I am.

I'm convinced that everything in Victoria's Secret is made for people who have big boobs, no shoulders and weigh under 100 pounds. Not only am I bitter that they never carry my bra size (36A is not that bizarre, Vicki) but all the fun outfits make me look like a ballerina on steroids. I was there this past weekend. After becoming thoroughly disgusted that they didn't even have one bra in my size (even the ugly cotton ones) I decided to check out the naughty section of the store. Every outfit I tried on made me hate my body. If I was TH and saw my wife dressed in that, my penis would curl up behind my balls and never come out. Thankfully, TH has a fetish for boy shorts and tiny tees. I look cute in those. Vicki, you're a big bitch. Why can't you make something that fits us big gals with little boobs.

I blame Hollywood for my body obsession. Sure, I want to look like Jennifer Aniston. But, I will need a personal trainer to come to my house everyday, a private yoga instructor, a chef, a trip to the spa every other week and a weekly body polish and facial. Not to mention a fabulous wardrobe.

Every time I open a Vogue, Cosmo or Vanity Fair I become more and more enraged. It's just not fair. I starve myself, work myself into a lather kickboxing and using the torture machines at the gym and I STILL can't come close to those women. It took this ad to make me feel better.
This is Jessica Alba in an ad for Campari. The picture on the left is real. The picture on the right is airbrush. Of course, they used the airbrushed one. The chick just had a baby and she looks unbelievable in the real picture. But, the assholes in the art department needed to make her waist impossibly small and her thighs impossibly slim. If I had just seen the doctored picture I would have thrown myself under a bus.

The motherfuckers need to stop fucking with us girls. Now if you will excuse me, I'm still going to throw myself under that bus.


  1. Oh, dear. You just have to stop that comparing yourself to the unattainable bullshit that's shoved in our faces right now! Yeah, Heidi Klum is supposedly fat, too. It's just bad for your soul to buy into it.

    I, like you, have the athletic bod. People think I weigh probably 15 pounds less than I weigh, but I do be a solid bitch, and I look like an idiot in the dainty girly clothes. Not the body I'd choose, but it's been good to me so far.

    Just keep working out to be healthy, and don't compare yourself to anyone.

  2. I love the Dove ads. They show real women. I am more than willing to bow to advertising and buy the product if they show the least sensitivity to those of us that are average. Is it any wonder young girls and women have such poor body images? Pisses me right OFF!

    JR has a thing for the boy short also. What's up with that? Not that I'm complaining.

  3. Boy shorts are fucking hot.

    So is a woman who is comfortable with how she looks, regardless of what Hollywood shoves at us.

  4. First of all, boy shorts are my favorite. I wish they were called something different than "boy" shorts because I feel a little gay when I say "Damn baby I love those boy shorts on you," but that's OK. Small price to pay, right?

    Second, stop the compare and contrast. Most guys not only don't care that you look like a magazine model, we don't want that. I like solid women. Waifs do not please me in any way, shape or form. I like a girl with some substance. Something I can grab on to. And if that's considered a "few extra pounds" then so be it.

    HOWEVER...I hate those Dove ads. Not because those women are fat by any stretch, but because some of them are really ugly. I don't watch TV to see people I could see walking down the street. I watch TV for an escape from reality. To see the beautiful and unattainable people. That's where those fantasy women belong, on TV. You want to sell a car? Put a smokin' hot girl on the hood. You want to sell shampoo? Show me a naked supermodel soaping up. But do not show me a woman who looks like my Great Aunt Matilda because I will change the channel and go out of my way never to buy your product!

  5. look here! You'll be amazed! It shows the before photoshop photos of celebrities. Eva longoria is a size 0 and they photoshopped her! It's crazy.

    And I have the opposite problem with bras. Any store I go to carries size A-C, but no D (except for the grandma bras...I refuse to buy those) It is so frustrating!

  6. Well you can have my tata's any time you want them. Not in a sexual way, I'm offering to donate them. Then you'd be pissed since nobody even carried your size and you'd have to buy all of your bras online only to have them show up and not fit right.

    I'm freakishly heavy for my stature too, even when I'm at my thinnest, the scale always shows more than it should.

    So I'm making my HASAY still with us? If so, there's a nice little pep talk over at my place.

  7. OMG, I've had my brower open to your site since yesterday since I didn't want to lose that entire comment that I had typed out and your word verification was down. Phew. Now that's dedication. I don't even remember what I originally said.