Friday, February 13, 2009

Rendez-vous Avec Moi......In Secret.

Remember those days when you snuck out to meet with someone? Whether it was in high school and you were hiding from your parents or it was in college when you were hiding from your friends, you always got that thrill from your secret rendez-vous. Once everyone knows that you're an item, your thrills become more devious. Maybe your sneaking a "shared shower" while vacationing with the in-laws or a "quickie" while every one's down at the beach. It's almost like sex in public. You get that nervous flip in your stomach as you are trying to achieve that fabulous orgasm and still look like you're doing nothing wrong. Sure, you're both holding on to that raft in the water and he looks like he's just cuddling up behind you. Nobody knows about what's really going on under the sea.

What is it about risk and sex that makes us so crazy? I admit I get off on the thrill and the excitement. Hiding in the corner of a building, sneaking into the rest room; it makes you feel like a teenager again. Whether you have that secret lover or you're just trying to zest it up a bit with your significant other, dontcha just love that flip?

TH ALWAYS wants to have sex when we're off with his parents for the weekend. We can be in the ski condo, (which is gorgeous, but shrinks to the size of a jail cell when there's 4 or more people) and he wants to get it on 24/7. The man shows no interest....because he's sooooo tired.......for a few days. But, add some in-laws, maybe a grandmother or two and he is a boy with a new toy. Unfortunately, that toy is something I want nothing to do with when my FIL is 10 feet away, in the other room, watching the hockey game.

We rarely have overnight guests at our house. My sister may pop down for the weekend or my brother in law may stay the night if he has business in the area. As soon as the door to the guest room closes, the one-eyed wonderstick makes an appearance and wants to play. And it's usually a game that involves dirty movies and some random sexual position designed for the boneless. I have to do all this and not make a peep. There is nothing more embarassing than coming down to the kitchen the next morning and have your sister tell you she was aware of your noctural activies the evening before. Been there, done that!

Now, you know me.....I'm always up for anything. But, if there are parents, grandparents, sisters, brothers or any other family members present that I will have to face multiple times in the near future, I don't need to get caught. If I've just had sex, it's very obvious.....especially if it's been a quality lay. I get that slack jawed-stoned eyed-weak kneed-I just got gloriously boned- look about me. I don't care if I've had 1 orgasm or 20. I cannot tell a lie. It is written on my face. More obvious than if I was carrying a sign that read "Attention Ya'll. I Have Just Enjoyed Some Excellent Time With A Penis, Please Feel Free To Go About Your Business." TH can do the nasty, give me a peck on the check, then go and sit with his Dad and have a beer. I'm left on the floor or bed or in the closet trying to untangle my panties from around my ankles as I'm struggling to return the feeling to all four limbs and wondering what excuse I can think up for why I need to take yet another shower.

I know, I sound like I'm complaining. But, as usual, I have buggin' on the brain. It's been 1 week, 3 hours and 4 5 minutes since, my last encounter with "the toy" or any toy for that matter. Yes, I've been counting. Yes, I believe that is a friggin' long-ass time. This is the electronic age. I polish myself off quite frequently, thank you very much. But, this fucking plague that has taken over my body forced me to admit that breathing and sleep are much more important than my need for a little "sumpthing, sumpthing". Like it or not, I will hit the goodie chest tomorrow. A girl can only take so much.


  1. I am surprised your toy hasn't taken out an APB for you yet.

  2. Good lord girl, a whole week? You have got to get you some fast. My theory is; breathing is optional. Sex is not. Dose yourself up with some cold meds and put Big K or toys to work. Enjoy your weekend.

  3. Must be one hell of a cold to keep you away from you for that long :)

  4. Kat: That is "toys". Plural. They all must miss me.

    Michele: I will drug myself post haste! He doesn't seem to find the coughing sexy, though....

    Cameron: I miss myself.

  5. Call me crazy, but there is nothing sexier than a woman with snot dripping out of her nose.


  6. Ahhh! You're feeling better! ;)

  7. You're cracking me up today. You always crack me up though so I guess it's no different.

    I once did it with my high school boyfriend in a tent while my brother was sleeping on the other side of the tent. That was a bit scary and he was only sleeping in the same tent as us to protect my honor. Ha. I'm not a fan of doing it around family either but Elliot was eh hem, conceived at Jamie's family lake house in PA while everyone slumbered upstairs. TMI?

  8. Did it in a raquet ball court on a school trip once. Echos like crazy.

  9. Badass: I guess we all have our fetishes....that's a new one. But, if snots what gets ya hard, so be it!

    Heather: 94% better. I'm hoping the other 6% will catch up with me this weekend.

    Casey: TMI is never a problem between friends. Just lay it on out there!

    Captain Dumbass: EXCELLENT! Never done that before. I'll put it on the list!