Thursday, February 19, 2009

Letters of Frustration

Dear Annoying Woman Who Stands In Front of Me During Kickboxing,

I hate you. Please quit the class.

And it's not just me. We all loath you. We've talked about it after class while you're kissing the instructors ass and then bouncing out the door. We hate how you brag that you use to be an instructor but would rather just take the classes now. We hate your perky Jane Fonda on speed attitude and the way you yell "Come on Girls" and "WHeeeeew!!!!" as you clap your hands 10-15 times during the class. A class that you're not teaching. Yes, that's right. You are not the instructor. The guy with the very nice ass standing infront of the class is. No one wants you to speak. We're all trying to make it through the class without kicking our neighbor by mistake or vomiting on ourselves. We kindly ask you to stop dancing around after the class is over and join the rest of us as we are trying to heave air into our oxygen starved lungs.

Sincerely, The Women Who Stands Behind You and Will Place a Well Aimed Front Kick Up Your Ass If You Don't Shut The Hell Up.

PS. I'm pretty sure that you use to be an instructor a loooooooong time ago because....damn girl.....your ass is four times as big as mine.

Dear Hunky Brazilian Guy At the Gym Who Likes to Stare At Me While I'm Working Out,

Please stop.

I realize that the sight of me wearing dingy sweats and old stained tshirt must be too magical for words. My red face as I strain on the machines of torture must set your loins aflame. But, your constant leering is distracting and makes me a bit uncomfortable. The sight of you peering around the corner as I'm executing a series of lunges requires me to restrain from throwing a dumbbell at you. I know that our relationship has lasted for 2 years and 2 gyms. But, it time for it to end. I hate to be forceful, but I feel that is the only way you will stop your obvious drooling. Please look over to your left. See that giant guy in the sweatshirt, sweatpants and Budweiser racing hat. The guy who is about to bench press a zillion pounds. That is my husband. If you don't stop staring at me I will have him break you in two.

Thank you
The Girl That You Stare At EVERYDAY with Your Friends.

Dear Grumpy Asshole Who Jogs Through My Neighborhood,

Why won't you wave at me?

Every morning, FOR SIX MONTHS, I pass you on my way to work. Every morning, I smile and wave as I pass. I realize that you wouldn't just wave to anyone who passes you. But, Sir....I pass you EVERYDAY!! I understood that maybe you might have been hesitant for the first few weeks. After all, it maybe unsettling to have a strange, super smiley woman wave at you as you are jogging by. But, it has been SIX MONTHS, dude. We have a relationship now. I have more face time with you than I've had with my best friend in 2 years! I have passed you about 120 times. Each pass lasts about 3 seconds (4 if I'm going over one of those speed bumps in our association). If my math is correct, we have spent 6 whole minutes together. I've cultivated relationships in the deli line in less time. And don't tell me that you're too focused or tired to wave. I'm a runner. Even if I'm coughing up a lung, I will return a wave.

You should know that you've hurt my feelings.

Sincerely, The Woman in the Black Jetta Who Is Suppressing the Urge To Run You Over For Being Rude.


  1. Fuck 'em.

    Swerve next to the runner the next time you see him, as if you're going to hit him but narrowly miss.

    See if he waves the next time.

  2. "If my math is correct, we have spent 6 whole minutes together. I've cultivated relationships in the deli line in less time." Pepsi just went up my nose.

  3. What's with dudes at the gym who think everyone wants them. I hate it, our old gym was like that and I'd always accidentally catch the wrong guy's eye and then spend the rest of the time staring at the ground avoiding eye contact.

    I have a neighbor who will glare at me and NEVER crack a smile or wave when I do, it's so frustrating.

  4. I think I KNOW that girl in your kickboxing class because she come to MY gym, too.

    I say you accidentally kick her..and make sure to let out an enthusiastic WOO WOO while you do it...

  5. I have a grumpy jogger in my neighbourhood, only he's a grumpy came-home-from-work-to-walk-the-dog guy. Maybe it's because his dog is about the size of my foot. Sucker.

    Old sweat pant? They're hot. Still, I'd have your husband break him.

  6. Punch that peppy bitch in the boob. That'll shut her up. And why is it that every gym has "that person"? Geez...makes me want to vomit.

  7. i feel so lazy reading about your gym excursions.

  8. I think that all the others in your kickboxing class should gang up on the perky bitch.

  9. Kick the perky one's fat ass "by accident". Pick your nose in front of The Gym Rats, and beep the horn after you pass the jogger to see if you can get him to jump!