I am bitter today. I am cranky, annoyed and on the verge of being just plain upset. I don't know why I let him get to me. I don't know why I let myself get all riled up when I know he does it just to get that reaction.
If you're a faithful reader, you know the demon I'm referring to.
Last Tuesday, I mentioned that he was being eerily nice to me. That was short lived. I shouldn't have jinxed myself. He came looking for me on Thursday morning when I was out of the office. When Fancy Pants told him I wasn't going to be back until around noon he laughed and said that was unacceptable and I was fired. He told Fancy Pants that he should move himself into my office. (obviously this is all a big joke) When I returned to the office and Fancy Pants told me the story, I tried to laugh it off. I walked into The Evil Ones' office and said, "So, I'm fired?". He laughed his maniacal chuckle and said, "Who told you that? I wanted to be the one to tell you."
All of this sounds pretty innocent and in other situations this would be humorous. But, it is my hourly fear that this will happen. That some day I won't be available to cater to a whim or I might make a mistake, he'll get a hair across his ass, all the slaving will be forgotten and I will be gone.
I hate that someone has this power over me. Not the power to fire me - everyone has that over their head - but the power to make me afraid.....to stress me out....to make me upset. I hate that he enjoys it. I hate that he knows my other stressors and pokes at them. I hate that I try every day to give him 150% and it means nothing at all. I hate that I wait like an abused dog for an ounce of approval only to be beaten down an hour later. I hate that this matters so much to me. I hate that I still feel like I have to try harder even though I know it doesn't make any difference. I hate that this makes me look weak and shows off my shattered self-esteem. I hate being controlled. I hate that I let myself be controlled. I hate that I don't know what to do about it.
I hate that just wrote all of this down and will actually publish it. But, I do feel better now.