Friday, April 3, 2009

That Is No Way To Treat A Penis

Much to my mothers dismay, I have a rather large collection of sex books. It does not in any way rival my enormous video library of porn. She's never seen that, she pretends it doesn't exist and that works for us. But, my eclectic book collection is my baby and I display it proudly in my guest room. It's a motley bunch of How to's, Interesting Facts, Erotica etc. In fact, I have a rather extensive library that reflects my ever changing interests: witchcraft, child psychology, law, criminology, psychology, voice study, cooking, gardening, furniture name it, I probably have a book dedicated to it. I am the most extreme bibliophile you will ever meet. I also love history and interesting biographies--especially if that person was scandalous.

Recently, I came across a book that brought me to my knees - it was that funny! Of course, I can't remember the name. That frustrates the hell outta me because it is sitting on the tip of my tongue as I write this. But, I will regale you with the detail that so fascinated me.

Napoleon's penis is still out there.

The little French man's member is safely tucked away in the home of American urologist John K. Lattimer, who bought it for $3,000 at an auction in 1977. How did this happen? Well, I'll give you the "short" version.

It was reportedly during the autopsy that this theft occurred. While some say that it might have been "accidentally" sliced off during the proceedings, because hey, it was kinda tiny and those things happen, it was also said that a manservant and a priest, Vignali, were alone with the body once he was dressed and lying in state. They might have gotten happy with the scissors at the point and wanted a "little" token of the great leader. Nonetheless, he was entombed sans the one eyed snake.

When he died, Vignalis' descendants sold his all his junk to a rare book firm and the book firm sold it to a dude in Philadelphia. (Leave it to the Americans to be a bunch of pervs.) The collection and the wonderwand changed hands a few times until it ended up on the auction block by itself in Paris. That's where our esteemed Dr. Lattimer picked it up.

What does this magic lovestick look like now? Not so pretty. Napoleon died in 1821. Just think what happens to a pork loin if you leave it out for too long. You've got some moldy beef jerky there. Titillated viewers have described it as "maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace or shriveled eel." It has also been described as a "shriveled sea horse, a small shriveled finger", and "one inch long and resembling a grape." Tasty. Although history paints the picture of Napoleon as being a romantic due to his infatuation with Josephine, he is reported to be a terrible lover. This may or not be due to his small (cough) package or the fact that he was a raving lunatic. I am by no means stating that men with undersized dongs are terrible in bed. It's not the size of the wave, but the motion of the ocean.

Truthfully, I'm dying to see it. The great doctor hasn't talked about it since 1987 but all reports claim he still has it. Why is he keeping it to himself? Is it sitting on his mantle, displayed in a glass box for him to use as a conversational piece during cocktail parties? "And here, next to my beautiful Ming vase is Napoleon's wiener."

Stop saving it for yourself, doctor! Slap that piece of salami out for the world to see. That's no way to treat a penis! A penis should be shared!


  1. Seriously my 14 year old inner boy loves that you just used the words dong and wiener.

  2. Only you could turn a post about Napoleon's wang into something interesting.

  3. Kat: I can go all day. That's what comes of working with all guys!

    Badass: I think wangs are fascinating in general. Not just Napoleons.

  4. I knew there was I reason I loved you. You used bibliophile and dong in a the same post. Makes my librarian heart go pitter pat.

    This is the funniest thing I've heard all day.

  5. I showed this to JR, the Boy & his elder brother they were not amused. They also must have no sense of humor.

  6. I never knew I needed to know this until I read this here. Woot!

  7. I have a Cliff Claven love of useless information. That you for adding to that.

  8. I love witchcraft books, and I need some suggestions for good erotica. E-mail me, please. No romancey crap!

  9. Now I'm dying to see Napolean's nards and wiener too. What a strange keepsake...

  10. He should give it to the Mutter museum. Then everyone could have a gander. It sounds like you wouldn't even recognize it as a penis though. I wonder if it is really his....