Monday, April 6, 2009

So How Is This Different From a Blow Up Doll?

I hate riding the exercise bike at the gym. It bores me to tears, but is a necessary evil. Listening to my iPod doesn't take the monotonous stink off nor does watching the personal TV that is conveniently attached to the bike. There is nothing on at 6 PM that catches my attention after sitting in my office for 10 hours. I need mindless entertainment and some motivation. So, I turn to the literary trash that the gym subscribes to and engage my brain that way. People, Self, Oxygen...and other health magazines that always feature some perfectly toned model on the cover wearing a top piece gym outfit showing off her washboard abs. That alone makes me depressed.

The other day I was looking through Self and I came across an blurb about this:

My lovers, I give you the mumOOchie

This odd looking pillow has been designed with the lonely in mind. It is a "spooning pillow." When your significant other is away, this pillow shall be your bed buddy.

I've used a body pillow before. I'm one of those people that likes to wrap myself around something while I sleep. I do not like to cuddle while sleeping. TH and I have a firm rule: Keep to your own side of the bed. Touching is only allowed during cuddling and nookie. Both he and I create an enormous amount of body heat when we sleep (and during "other" times). I hate waking up a sweaty mess because one of us fell asleep on the other.

But, this pillow is wrong. While I understand the function it serves for young children and babies, I cannot fathom the reason to have it as an adult. Self Magazine recommended the user have the person it was replacing "cuddle' the pillow for a short time, so it would smell like them. Then, the pillow has a "cleverly hidden" voice recorder that the user can have the replacement record a saying. Suggested phrase were "I love you, honey" or "I miss you". In our house, those wouldn't be the chosen sayings. Ours would be more along the lines of: "Where is the fucking remote" or the ever popular "Did you fart or was it the dog" or my personal favorite "Are you ever going to stop watching YouTube and do me?"

The only thing that this pillow is missing is two holes and it would be a blow up doll. I've used my body pillow for some *ahem* positions. (Not by myself, you pervs! I do not hump my body pillow) But, I don't need something to smell like TH or have his recorded voice. I can do the one person dirty boogie all on my onsie. As for needing a replacement for his body while he's away, they'd need to make this thing 4 times that size. I don't refer to him as "TH" 'cause he's small. And besides, if he's not there, I can do my favorite thing....spread eagle!


  1. Even I, the girl who's husband is gone for months at a time, think that thing is redonkulous. Good Lord what will people come up with next.

  2. Wow. Whoever invented that piece of crap must have been really bored.

  3. That's interesting. I sleep with an extra pillow between my legs but it's not for the purposes of getting off. If my pillow started talking to me, I'd probably burn it.

  4. I so miss your other header. I imagine that it actually looks like you. :)

    How ya been! Long time, I know. I've managed to bury myself in projects, but I'm trying to come out of it smelling not so crappy.

    You forgive my absense? hahaha

  5. Yeah, sleep cuddling is a no-go with me, too. Mostly because I snore and drool.

  6. Haha when I saw the title of your blog I just hAD to check it out. Weird pillow!! I'll never understand some people. This makes me think of my twitterpated 19 year old sister - i'm sure she would love something like that!

  7. HA! Who needs that? I've got mumpoochie(s) to snuggle with. Every day, I wake up spooning one dog while the other one spoons me.

    The husband is not allowed to cross the center line, as he snores and throws off more heat than the sun. Sex is meant for couches or the kitchen counter. The bed is for sleep and snuggling with a dog or two.

  8. WTF? Talk about one of the most useless inventions of all time.

    My husband is prohibited from crossing over to my side of the bed. I must remain untouched during sleeping hours or he will suffer a possible punch...apparently I have crazy, violent dreams.