From the age of 12, the movies have always been a place to get busy. Dark, quiet theatres with sticky floors, smelling of stale popcorn and the perfume of the previous audiences. I always believed I was pulling one over on my Mom when I told her that I was going to the movies with my girlfriends. We would meet up with our current beaus and make off to our respective corners to neck. I remember fumbling around with my 7th grade boyfriend during the screening of "Pretty Women". (we snuck in) It was my first real french kiss and I remember thinking, "Ewww, is his tongue just suppose to lay there in my mouth"
Although I haven't grown out of my desire to have sex in public (and everywhere else), I haven't done the nasty in the movie theatre in years. Most of the time I'm there with Firecrotch. While she is a tasty morsel, I don't really swing that way. If I happen to catch a flick with TH, we spend most of our time shoving popcorn in our pie holes and then cuddling once the last kernel is eaten. Such was the situation a week ago. TH was dying to see "The Watchman". A graphic novel geek to the core, he has dragged me to ever movie that was inspired by these rags. I love a good action flick, especially if it involves a hot guy dressed in a tight leather outfit saving damsels in distress. I'm a romantic like that.
I'm a previews girl. I LOVE watching previews. I know not everyone is into the movie tease, so I try not to get my dander up when people talk during them. It's an extreme test on my self control, but I make it through. But, I have firm "no talking" rule during the movie. I don't have a problem whipping around and giving a firm "Do you mind????" to the offender. I mean, come on. It's just rude. Between talking and cell phones, it's impossible to catch a flick without being annoyed in some way or another. (God, I sound old).
The previews have ended (much to my dismay) and the feature film is starting. The guy in the young couple behind us is still talking. I have resisted the urge to turn around and punch him during the previews, but my patience had ended. 30 seconds into the film, I whipped around and gave him a "Duuuuude! Enough!!". That earned me a dirty look, but I was rewarded with silence. He had thought about a comeback for a minute, but after a quick glance at TH he thought better. Skinny 125 lb 16 year old guy verses giant football player looking dude in overalls. It wouldn't have ended well.
Skinny asshole shut the hell up and proceeded to make out with his girlfriend. After a 1/2 hour I didn't blame him. The movie was Booooorrr-rrring! The only thing that was keeping me entertained was looking at Dr. Manhattan's blue penis. A blue penis! Wishing that the movie was in 3D, I kept myself amused trying to figure out if this was a real guy or something computer generated. It was so lifelike. See, all you have to do is wave a penis in front of my face and I'm entertained.
During the blue dong watch, Skinny and his girlfriend had been smacking away in the background. It was distracting; almost like someone chomping gum. But, his tongue was busy mining her tonsils and not gabbing away. I could deal with that. Suddenly, the smacking stopped. I figured, they had come up for air or were switching positions until I heard...."SLURP, SLURP" followed by his soft sigh.
Oh.My.God! She was blowing him in the theatre....right behind me.
I tried desperately to be cool about it. I am the Queen of Naughty. I have done this act before...thousands of times....a few of them in this very theatre, in fact. But, I've been discreet. Blow Job Etiquette 101...when in public, keep the sounds to a minimum. This girl sounded like she was sucking up a thick shake through a coffee stirrer straw. Apparently, he was getting into it because the seats started to creak in rhythm.
"Slurp, Sluuuurrrrrp, Sluuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrp"
I was overwhelmed with a feeling of ickiness. Gone was the blue penis euphoria. In it's place was the taste of bile cruising up my throat. Why were they doing that now? Couldn't they find a more respectable place like an alley or a car that wasn't within earshot. I wanted to turn around and give her a few pointers....like "be quiet!" But, I was afraid the sight would scar me for life. Instead, I sucked it up and waited for the finale, (which was quick, he's 16 after all) There was a lot of blue penis at the end, but it just wasn't the same.
To make it even better, TH was so into the movie he didn't hear a thing.