Thursday, October 2, 2008

Mitch - The Ex File - Part 1

As I promised, here is my ex-file about Mitch.

Mitch began as a dare. Well, the date part did. The rest of it was my own damn fault. One of the evil bitches that I worked with dared me to place an ad in the Personals. Not one to pass up a challenge, I accepted. I was 20, stupid and tired of meeting guys who just wanted to party. I wanted a real boyfriend. Why I thought I would find this guy in the Personals, I don't know. But, again....I was 20 and stupid.

So I placed the ad. This was before EHarmony, Match Maker and those other websites. I had to place my personal ad in a newspaper. I wrote something silly about seeking some one who wanted to "experience life to it's fullest" What a load of fucking baloney. Again...20....fucking stupid.

The calls started coming in. Strange enough, they were from older guys....and I mean really older guys....50 years old older! I had listed my age and apparently there were a bunch of grandpas out there looking to get busy.

After wading thru the horny, old farts and some really creepy breathers, I came across a guy named Mitch. He seemed harmless enough and didn't leave a 5 minute long dissertation on his ex-girlfriend like the message before. I thought what the hell, I'll call him.

He answered, he had a great voice, we chatted for 2 hours....he seemed normal. We made a date. I would meet him that weekend at a bar for a drink. Not dinner...a drink. 'Cause if he was hideous, I wasn't going to hang out for desert.

He showed up, we met and he was really cute. No scales, fangs or horns. Just normal looking, a bit of a yuppie, but very cute. He drove a BMW, dress with style and could hold an intelligent conversation. We really hit it off, ended up having dinner and made another date for the following day. I would meet him at his apartment and we'd go for dinner and a movie.

All sounds normal right? It was a clever cover. This is where it gets weird.

The next day I walked into his apartment and looked around. It looked normal. He was a bit decorating challenge, but what guy is Martha Stuart? I cruised around looking for strange and unusual stuff, nothing was popping out until I got to his iguana cage.

Mitch walked right up, grabbed the reptile and plopped it on his shoulder. "His name is Sundance. Do you want to touch him?"

I obliged. I wasn't afraid. I just wasn't crazy about the way it smelled and the tongue was skeeving me out.

"He's really pretty." I said. "Do let him out a lot?"

"Sometimes I stick him on my shoulder and we take a walk down Main Street" he said as he eased the thing back into the cage.

Oh my God! I was dating lizard man. He walked down one of the busiest streets with a scaly creature as an accessory. I tried to think of a clever thing to say but all I could come up with was "Gee, that's neat"

"I have to take him out while the apartment is getting cleaned. He can't handle the sage" he said.


"I don't get it." I said. "Your cleaning lady cooks with sage?"

"No. I have the apartment smudged with sage to rid the space of evil spirits and bad vibes. Sundance can't handle the smoke" he said. "Let's go. We'll be late for the movie"

He was exceptional weird. Why wouldn't I sleep with him that night? Why stop now?

I was running a good buzz from the bottle of wine we had with dinner and he invited me back up to the apartment. I figured, he was cute....maybe I could get over the fact that he was a lizard wearing sage smudger.

We rolled around for awhile, clothes were shed until I was naked and he was in his boxers, looking very yummy. Thinking safety first, he jump up, ran to the corner of the room, grabbed a box from behind his bureau and pulled out one of those gold circle coin novalty condoms. The ones that you give as jokes at bachelor and bachelorette parties. I thought he was kidding until I saw him start to open the foil. That's when I went for my emergency stash of Trojans in my purse. I didn't need to worry about having my very own sage smudger in 9 months.

With the prophylactic issue settled, I was getting ready for the ride when he said. "I'll be right back" and disappeared into the bathroom.

He was in there forever. To this day, I have no idea what he was doing in there but apparently he needed to go in before we had sex (yes, I slept with him again after all this. The bathroom became part of the process). I was mystified. What the hell was he doing in there? I knew that he wasn't "fluffing himself" cause I had handled the merchandise and things were looking very firm in that department. While he was in there, I took a good look around the bedroom and noticed something that hadn't caught my attention before.

He had animal pelts hung over his bed.

I shit you not! He had a rabbit skin and something else previously living and very furry tacked up over his bed. (this will make more sense in Part 2). If he came out of the bathroom holding a hose and asked me to put lotion on my skin, I was getting the hell outta there.

The animal skinner finally came out of the bathroom, still wearing his boxers and gave me a big smile. No hose, no lotion....wheew!

We started the heavy petting, I made sure he had his "suit" and I waited for the boxers to be slipped off. I waited....I waited....he rolled on top of me...I waited....and all of a sudden we were off and running....and he still had his boxers on. That's right! He had pulled his soldier thru the hole in the front, donned the armor and started into battle....with a force field behind him.

I was having sex with a guy who was still wearing his boxers, in a house that was free of evil and bad vibes, decorated with animal pelts, while his iguana waited in the next room for his next stroll down Main Street.

Why wouldn't I keep dating him?

Stay tuned for The Exfiles -Part 2 - Mitch's 30th birthday and why I finally dumped him. ('cause apparently none of this stuff gave me a good enough reason to.)


  1. I seriously don't think I should be laughing this hard in the morning! I would have bolted when the lizard made it's first appearance. But for my amusement, I'm so glad YOU didn't. I want to print this story out and laminate it for my daughter to read when is is 20 and dumb.

    I have a new dating motto for my single friends. If a man says the words, "Do you want to touch him?" on the first date, this is either a very bad sign or the beginning of the best cautionary tale, like ever.

  2. I think the sage smudging got rid of the bad vibes that you SHOULD have been getting about him.


  3. So wait a minute...

    He uses sage to rid his house of evil spirits but he just lets you right into the house without performing some sort of cleansing ritual? How did he know you weren't possessed by some dark and evil being? I was praying that he came out of the bathroom ready to sacrifice a goat. Either that or he had to have the iguana on his shoulder during sex.

  4. I have to know what the deal breaker was, because a good looking guy with a job, his own place, and at least semi good in bed - I can ignore lizards and dead furry friends.

  5. Jenboglass: Yes, give it to your daughter and have her watch out for guys like Mitch. They're harmless, but weird!!! Everytime I hear the word "sage" I think of him.

    Badass: I'm beginning to think that the sage was some sort of drug that kept me from the getting the bad vibes.

    DaddyFiles: Stay tuned for Part 2. There is much more smudging to come. He could have been sacrificing a goat in there for all I know.

    Heather: It gets so much better. Stay tuned!!!

  6. Your grandmother and I are anxiously awaiting part two to see how this all works out! :)

  7. Oh, man. Another awesome story...
    I don't really have any good ex stories. :(
    Well, there's the one that attacked me, and the other one that threatened to kill me... and the others who used me...

  8. Did he smudge your lady bits? I hate snakes and lizards and all of those useless pets, and I hate animal killers, but I would expect that from a Mitch.

    I told you I wouldn't trust a man named Mitch!

  9. Oldguy: I can only imagine what she thinks of me now!

    Rachel: OMG!! That's a blog in itself.

    Lola: I get smudged! Just you wait!

  10. OMG I don't even know how I found your blog, but thank the lord that I did. Eagerly awaiting the next installment.

  11. Hi Becky! Welcome! The conclusion is coming!!

  12. I have been a "blog lurker" for sometime now. Morvy turned me on to your blog. Your comment "with a force field behind him" has had me laughing for a couple of hours and I had to finally comment. Your style of writing is awesome, keep it coming. By the way, my porn name would be Diana Valley.

  13. Diane: Hi there! Welcome to my crazy mind! Excellent porn name! Very lady like!