The second installment to my Mitch Ex file I know you were all expecting the end but I almost forgot about this part. I was talking about my blog to one of my co-workers when I remembered this episode. You will see why I chose to repress it. The conclusion will be next time!
It's been two weeks and I was still dating the boxer wearing lizard man. He was still visiting the bathroom before we did the deed, he still brought his soldier to battle with a force field. I have no idea why I was still with him. He wasn't even that good in bed. How can you be if the part of you that is needed for the action is still partly clothed!?!? It's been suggest there may have been some animal sacrifice going on in the bathroom. Who know? It would explain all the animal pelts.
But, he was such a nice guy. So cute, successful, smart and fun to be with. WHY DID HE HAVE TO BE SUCH A FREAK!!!
Did I mention that Mitch was a big shot at the now dissolved BayBank? I wonder if his coworkers knew about his hobbies?
It was Superbowl time and Mitch was having some people over his house to watch the game. I was invited too. Not being a huge football fan, I usually par take in the refreshments - be it alcohol or food - and watch everyone get mad at the TV. Now, that's a sport.
I arrived at his apartment, staked out my chair and grabbed a huge plate of junk food. Mitch may have been a sage smudging weirdo, but he stocked a mean buffet. So, I'm chowing down on wings when I happened to glance over at the iguana den.
It was empty. Sundance was in the wind.
Mitch was busy yelling at the TV and it took me a few minutes to get his attention.
"Mitch, where's Sundance?" I was praying he was at the vet having his nails trimmed or his scales polished. Or even better, he was on his walk down Main Street with a neighbor. Maybe he might....run away.
Mitch barely looked up from the game and said "He's around here somewhere. I let him out for some exercise"
Holy shit. The fucking lizard was loose.
Immediately I was having thoughts of Jurassic Park when the guy is trying to escape in the jeep and those little lizard like dinosaurs kept popping up and spitting on him. Then, they made that horrible rattling noise, some weird skin ruffle popped out from around their neck and that's when they made their attack.
I was a sitting duck. I was in a corner. I wouldn't be able to escape it he started running across the living room to attack me. Mitch was so involved in the game, he wouldn't hear my screams as Sundance went for my throat. If I died, I wouldn't be able to haunt him and get my revenge. I would be smudged out the next week when cleaning lady came and Mitch took Sundance for his stroll down Main Street, still picking my bones from his teeth.
I was a fucking dead girl.
No sooner than I thought that last statement, than I heard a sound behind me and felt something on my head. Something that felt very much like tiny lizard claws.
You know how a rabbit freezes when you look at it. It thinks if it doesn't move, you won't see it. I was the rabbit and I wasn't going to move an inch. I was pretty sure I had a lizard nesting on my head.
"Mitch......Mitch.....MITCH! I think your lizard is climbing on my head"
Mitch looked up from the TV and smiled. "Aww. He likes you. He wants to say hi"
That stupid freak actually thought that this was fun. He was so into the game that he didn't care that his scaly little friend was about to violate his date.
By this time, the lizard was fully balance on my head like some absurd hat. He was facing backwards, his tail jutting out over my forehead. I was so scared that if I moved, the scaly thing would slide off my head, fall into my lap and go for my throat.
"Mitch....MITCH! Sundance is on my fucking head. Please get him off. I'm afraid he might fall off and hurt himself"
By this time I didn't care about the fucking lizard. I was just thinking of one thing and one thing only.
And that is when it happened.
Just as Mitch was making his way over to remove the repulsive reptile from my noggin, Sundance did the unthinkable....
He took a dump on my nose.
The fucking, smelly lizard took a big ole wet shit on my freckled little nose. It wasn't like those tiny little pellet things that you see in the cages. Sundance must have gotten a hold of some tainted crickets.
Let's just say that Mitch got to sleep under the animal skins alone that night.
To be continued....