Friday, October 3, 2008

The Mitch File - The Saga Continues

The second installment to my Mitch Ex file I know you were all expecting the end but I almost forgot about this part. I was talking about my blog to one of my co-workers when I remembered this episode. You will see why I chose to repress it. The conclusion will be next time!

It's been two weeks and I was still dating the boxer wearing lizard man. He was still visiting the bathroom before we did the deed, he still brought his soldier to battle with a force field. I have no idea why I was still with him. He wasn't even that good in bed. How can you be if the part of you that is needed for the action is still partly clothed!?!? It's been suggest there may have been some animal sacrifice going on in the bathroom. Who know? It would explain all the animal pelts.

But, he was such a nice guy. So cute, successful, smart and fun to be with. WHY DID HE HAVE TO BE SUCH A FREAK!!!

Did I mention that Mitch was a big shot at the now dissolved BayBank? I wonder if his coworkers knew about his hobbies?

It was Superbowl time and Mitch was having some people over his house to watch the game. I was invited too. Not being a huge football fan, I usually par take in the refreshments - be it alcohol or food - and watch everyone get mad at the TV. Now, that's a sport.

I arrived at his apartment, staked out my chair and grabbed a huge plate of junk food. Mitch may have been a sage smudging weirdo, but he stocked a mean buffet. So, I'm chowing down on wings when I happened to glance over at the iguana den.

It was empty. Sundance was in the wind.

Mitch was busy yelling at the TV and it took me a few minutes to get his attention.

"Mitch, where's Sundance?" I was praying he was at the vet having his nails trimmed or his scales polished. Or even better, he was on his walk down Main Street with a neighbor. Maybe he away.

Mitch barely looked up from the game and said "He's around here somewhere. I let him out for some exercise"

Holy shit. The fucking lizard was loose.

Immediately I was having thoughts of Jurassic Park when the guy is trying to escape in the jeep and those little lizard like dinosaurs kept popping up and spitting on him. Then, they made that horrible rattling noise, some weird skin ruffle popped out from around their neck and that's when they made their attack.

I was a sitting duck. I was in a corner. I wouldn't be able to escape it he started running across the living room to attack me. Mitch was so involved in the game, he wouldn't hear my screams as Sundance went for my throat. If I died, I wouldn't be able to haunt him and get my revenge. I would be smudged out the next week when cleaning lady came and Mitch took Sundance for his stroll down Main Street, still picking my bones from his teeth.

I was a fucking dead girl.

No sooner than I thought that last statement, than I heard a sound behind me and felt something on my head. Something that felt very much like tiny lizard claws.

You know how a rabbit freezes when you look at it. It thinks if it doesn't move, you won't see it. I was the rabbit and I wasn't going to move an inch. I was pretty sure I had a lizard nesting on my head.

"Mitch......Mitch.....MITCH! I think your lizard is climbing on my head"

Mitch looked up from the TV and smiled. "Aww. He likes you. He wants to say hi"

That stupid freak actually thought that this was fun. He was so into the game that he didn't care that his scaly little friend was about to violate his date.

By this time, the lizard was fully balance on my head like some absurd hat. He was facing backwards, his tail jutting out over my forehead. I was so scared that if I moved, the scaly thing would slide off my head, fall into my lap and go for my throat.

"Mitch....MITCH! Sundance is on my fucking head. Please get him off. I'm afraid he might fall off and hurt himself"

By this time I didn't care about the fucking lizard. I was just thinking of one thing and one thing only.

And that is when it happened.

Just as Mitch was making his way over to remove the repulsive reptile from my noggin, Sundance did the unthinkable....

He took a dump on my nose.

The fucking, smelly lizard took a big ole wet shit on my freckled little nose. It wasn't like those tiny little pellet things that you see in the cages. Sundance must have gotten a hold of some tainted crickets.

Let's just say that Mitch got to sleep under the animal skins alone that night.

To be continued....


  1. this is too funny! Please tell me that we will get the final installment of the story today -don't make us wait the entire weekend in suspense!!

  2. Sounds like Sundance had a poop fetish.

  3. I saw that shit coming a mile away!

  4. Morvy: Nope I'm gonna make you wait. I will try like hell to get something out this weekend.

    Heather: Literally!

    BadAss: I have no idea, but he was so gross

    Lola: It is inevitable that when an animal gets on your head, it will take a shit. Must be the smell of shampoo or something. It's just like when ever I hold a rabbit, it pees on me. Every time!

  5. Okay. So I just got here (long day). I squeeled when I saw that it was part two of the Mitch Saga. I decided to hurry and comment about my excitement. As I scrolled down to the comments I noticed a line about someone taking a dump on your nose.

    So here I am. Commenting without having read this story and knowing that somewhere along the lines there is poop involved. I will go back and read now.

  6. Phew! I have to say, I'm soooo relieved it was Sundance and not The Mitcher that did that. If it were the Mitcher, then there would not be a third installment.

  7. Jenboglass: If it has been Mitch, that would have been a deal breaker. EWWW!! Glad you are excited about the story. I'm totally horrifying others. But, alas, that is my M.O.! :)

  8. patience is not a virtue I possess -but what's a girl to do?

    (by the way, what happened on the Daddy Files blog? What was the story about that he pulled from the blog? - I have not watched soap's for years but these blogs are really getting close! and I love it!)

  9. Movy:

    "Patience is never more important then when you are on the edge of losing it" -- O.A. Battista

    I have that taped to my monitor in my office. I look at it every day. I have the same problems.

    Not sure what's up with Daddyfiles. I'm sure he'll let us now soon.

    It is like a soap opera. I am utterly and completely addicted!!!

  10. So what you're saying're a shithead?!

    Thank you, thank you...I'll be here all weekend. Try the veal.

    But seriously, that's a damn good story. I can see I'm going to have to break out the big guns to top some of your ex stories.

    And speaking of that, I might have to post those stories on your site if you'll allow me to. To answer Morvy's question, I can't write about a lot of things because I'm a newspaper reporter. So, for instance, I can't really discuss politics or endorse a candidate because I may end up writing about one of them in the paper, and journalists have to remain objective at all costs. So until I quit or I'm fired, there will be limitations I have no control over.

  11. Daddy files: YES!! Finally someone got it! I was a total shithead.

    Yes you are more than welcome to post your stories on my site. Having a high profile job does come with limitations.

    Unfortunately, Monday's conclusion to Mitch will be my last Exfile. Tuesday post will let you know why. But, I would love to get some of your stuff up here.