Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Poking in the Soak

I have received some extra shit lately from my closet keeper Josh. The boy is still hanging with my skeletons but is unhappy with content of my blog - claims I have lost my raunchy touch. Au contraire, mon ami! I am still my little pervy self - Still on fire, still out of control.

So Josh my love, this one is for you.

This is my experience working in a sex hotel.

There are alot of these hotels all over the place. The Poconos has oodles of them up in those mountains. Romantic, classy getaways that couples flock to and recreate their honeymoon.

The Cape has The International Inn....or as we locals call it "The Soak n'Poke"

The SnP is the original "Cuddle and Bubble". The owner started the phase and it has spread like wildfire. A couple rents a room with a huge bed and a jacuzzi. They are there for one purpose and one purpose boink like crazed monkeys all night long.

I worked at the SnP just after high school and was starting college. They needed a morning buffet waitresses and I needed a job that was flexible. All I had to do was pour coffee, juice and keep the tables clean. The money was awesome. I could make $250 on a weekend morning. Even though the money was fab, the people watching was one for the books. Everyone morning couples would stumble down from their rooms, bleary eyed from sleep deprivation, still panting after each other like love sick dogs. They would ravenously shovel down mountains of food (having worked up an appetite the from previous night) and run back up to their rooms for a quickie before check out time. The couples were always interestingly mixed. Old men - young women, Old women - younger guy, really ugly guy - uglier chick. It was the same thing, day in day out. In it's hay day, the SnP was an upscale place, but when I worked there, the clientele had slide down to the bottom rungs of society. After all, what kinda guy takes his women to a place called "Cuddle & Bubble".

The rooms are kind seedy looking. If you watch the marketing video from the website, it plays like really bad soft core porn. Young couple enters the room. They hang in the tub for awhile and the tub has bubbles in it. Every person knows that if you put lots of bubbles in the jacuzzi, you're gonna get a huge mess. And what's with the rose petals being thrown on them? She actually looks disturbed when one lands on her boob.

Not only did I work breakfast, I also made a few guest appearances for the dinner shift. The couples were insanely horny and gobbling down their surf n' turf in an effort to get back to their orgasmic frenzy.

The hotel was an equal opportunity employer. The staff was in such shambles that they were always reaching out to the different departments to cover shifts. I spent 4 terrifying shifts as the pool lifeguard. I had no life guard training and apparently my lapsed CPR certification was good enough. The pool was located in this dingy area of the hotel and was basically a hole filled with bleached water. I only lasted 4 shifts because I couldn't stand watch people play hide the salami just mere yards away from me. I'm sure it was one of those "sex in public" fantasies. But, even with my open mind, I couldn't take it. These people were disgusting.

The best and more horrifying position I held there was as a room service attendant.

I'm not sure what cranium blip had me excepting that disgusting job. I figured lugging a "Movie Night" popcorn package was better than schlepping huge trays of prime rib and watching two horny 60 year old toothless, wrinkled couples dry humping each other in the dining room. Little did I know that it was better to be treated to a public lap dance than a private showing in the doorway of their room. People had no shame. They would open the door in the nude, in lingerie that probably wouldn't have looked good on them 20 years before and in bizarre stages of undress. Nothing scars the corneas like having a guy dressed in a wife beater tank top and nothing else; his obviously worn out doodle hanging in the breeze for the world to see. Here I am trying to act all professional, while the wife is streaking around the room dressed in a feather boa and sequin thong. (true story, folks!).

The staff was almost as colorful. I was dating my high school boyfriend at the time, so I don't have any personal experiences to share. But, I can safely say that the vibe of the place rubbed off on the staff. Everyone was sleeping with everyone....and they were all hooking up in the rooms. The place was an orgy on steroids. The gift shop that they installed 2 months into my tenure didn't help. We would try on the outfits, play with the "dirty playing cards", and have scavenger hunts with the toys.

I did have a chance to stay in one of the rooms. The Cape was expecting a monster snow storm and the management offered to put up all the morning waitress in rooms to ensure their attendance the next morning at breakfast. I was psyched! (I was 19, people. Anything free was exciting back then.) One of the guys at the front desk gave me the second to the best room. I grabbed a mountain of snacks and settled in for the night. Then I thought "I have a huge jacuzzi all to myself, why the hell don't I use it". The tub took forever to fill up and I waited impatiently in my terry cloth robe, eager to jump in to soak and drink the complimentary bottle of champagne. The thing finally filled, I tossed off my robe, reached over to turn on the button for the jets when something in the water caught my eye. There floating on the smooth water of my heart shaped jacuzzi, was a bunch of tiny, curling black hairs.

I quit 5 months later.


  1. Wow, the things you've had to unsee but couldn't. That should be featured on "Dirty Jobs."

    I would have had to boil myself after that hot tub experience.

  2. Sarah+2girls: Honey, I still get that feeling every time I think about it. It's a full body shudder type of feeling.

    Heinous: I was so afraid to sleep on the bed that I went down to housekeeping and got a pile of clean sheets, triple layered them over the comforter and slept with my jacket covering me.

  3. That is horrific.

    Reason #47 why I'll never use a hot tub.

  4. I'm with Sarah... but I'm going to shower first. Ugh.

  5. Waaaaaaaa!

    So there were some tiny black hairs. Big deal. You could've just used them to floss later. You really have to find the silver lining in things...

  6. Wow, pubes in the tub... nice touch. Was that a complimentary service offered with each room or did they charge a hidden pube fee?

    That place sounds like it was fun (albeit scary) to work at.

  7. BadAss: I'm still scarred by it!

    Diane: YES! Shower with Clorox!

    Daddyfiles: I actual got bile in my throat reading your comment.

    Casey: HA! "hidden pube fee"!!! You kill me! It was a crazy place to work! Very strange, but fun!

  8. wait a minute have an issue with your wife's hair in the tub, but don't care about a strangers pubes?? :P

  9. When I was in my teens, I'd be all excited by a jacuzzi in a hotel room. I even went to that place you worked at back in 1986 or so. A good time had by all!

    Now, I wouldn't go anywhere near a room that had a jacuzzi. I know what goes on in mine, so I sure as hell won't go in one open to the public. Plus, I'd be thinking about mold spores hiding everywhere. I guess I'm just not any fun anymore...