To My Dear Friends,
Yesterdays post about Mitch was my last Exfile.
(I'll give you a moment to wipe the tears from your eyes)
Allow me to explain.
When I first started my blog, I was so bummed out the TH wasn't reading it. In fact, I think that he even referred to it as "gay". He wasn't into the whole "blogging" scene, but I knew if the roles were reversed I would read his. Hell, my husband would be writing something. Even if he was talking about subjects I had no interest in, I would still read it. After all it was his.
So, imagine my surprise on Friday night when he confronted me about my recent postings....and he wasn't happy. TH had been virtually stalking me. He has read every single one of my postings, read all the blogs that I recommend and even read my comments on them. He didn't care about my naughty sex topics, work rantings or write to knows but he did have a serious beef with the "Exfiles".
"Why did I have to write about sex?" he asked. No one else was doing it. Everyone was writing about families, friends and whatnots. Why did I choose sex and naughty subjects?
Because I did.
Because it's what I find fascinating. Peoples views, thoughts and interpretations interest me. It's something that I think most people are dying to talk about, but feel a societal pressure to hush up....it's taboo, it's promiscuous, its downright dirty. Fuck that! It's natural and everyone does it. Why shouldn't I dish about it? $89.00 a minute is spent on internet porn. Forbes Magazine estimates that people spend over $4 billion a year on porn. So, I'm not alone. I'm just not afraid to talk about it.
TH has never been able to deal with my somewhat promiscuous past. I had a 6 month spree when I broke up with my high school boyfriend and a quick go around after we tried it again. I was also kinda "free-spirited" in high school. TH has always had very serious relationships. "One night stand" is a foreign phrase to him and he's always been a one-woman man. Unfortunately, we were good friends before we became involved, so we each know EVERYTHING about each others past.
I have never been ashamed of my slutty ways. I was young and dumb. I look back at those days with a half smile and think, "What the hell was I thinking" and "I was such an idiot". Those experiences are part of my past and I just laugh about them now.
He hates that I acted that way, dated alot of guys and have such a carefree attitude about it. He wishes that I had sprung forth from a fountain, virginal and untainted. He has never been able to fully stomach my adventure seeking youth. He pretends that the side of me that has a "devil may care" way about sexual subjects and will "talk to anyone about anything doesn't exist". It is the pink elephant in the room that no one talks about.
Before I get too into it, I should mention this: I love my husband more than anything. He is hands down the greatest, most gorgeous, sexiest guy imaginable. He is a God in the bedroom and my best friend everywhere else. He spoils me rotten, treats me like a princess and not a day goes by when I don't look at him and think that I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
And some days, like this past Friday, he really pisses me off.
I could tell on Thursday that things were really off with him. He tried to pass off his dark mood as troubles at work. But, after 9 1/2 years together, I can feel when he's mad at me. It's almost as if he is sending off bad vibes (quick, where's the sage when you need it). I asked him at least 14 times if something was wrong, each time told me he was fine....just fine.
On Friday, he got home from work and plopped on the couch. Then he dropped the bomb.
"I don't want you to get mad or anything. But, I really need to talk to you about this blog"
Then he proceeded to tell me that he hates the Exfiles and any mention of my past transgressions. It hurt his feelings. I tried to explain to him that I was basically humiliating myself for the joy of my readers and I thought that the stories were funny. It had nothing to do with him or my feelings for him.
And it got worse from there....
He brought up my slutty behavior from 11 years ago, I brought up the letters, pictures and cards from his ex-girlfriend that he felt he should be allowed to hold on to and keep in a truck in the spare room. This is something that drives me nuts. I know he should be allowed to keep memontos of his past. But, this girl (who I've never met) really burns me. I was TH's first love and he had thought about marrying her. Granted this was over 20 years ago and it's only a few cards, letters and pictures in a trunk full of tons of other crap. But, I hate that they're there and I wish he would dump them. The box is buried in the back of a closet and the closet has tons of stuff infront of it. I'm sure he hasn't looked at that stuff in years. But, I know it's there and it digs at me.
It got worse from there. We were due for a good, knock down, drag-it-all-out fight. We hadn't had one in at least 6 months to a year.
This was a doozy. It lasted 3 hours. We hauled all the bad shit out and threw it at each other. I cried, he was mad, I tried to got for a drive, he made me stay and talk about it.
In the end it worked out and we're back to being all lovey dovey. I promised to abstain from mentioning ex-boyfriends and past slutty behavior (unless it was with him) on my blog and he promised to relocate his "box o'love" to a place that I didn't have to be near every day (hopefully the town dump). I promised to remember to turn the water valve switch "off "when I'm done with the washing machine (apparently this really bothers him) and he promised that he would give me more PDA's (we're so lacking in that department. If you saw us on the street, you would think that we hated each other). We vowed to have more sex. (It always ends with that)
So my faithful readers, as much as I love you, I love TH more. Marriage is about compromises. If he is bothered by the exfiles, I must submit. But, if I find that "box o'love" some day, there is gonna be a big ole bonfire in the back yard.