Friday, February 6, 2009

Me So Horny

They say that men reach their sexual peak at around 18-23, just in time to bang every chick in college and a few when they get out. Women don't reach their sexual peak until 35-40. This is when men are starting to come down from theirs. I'm only 31 (32 in a month) What does this mean for me? I think about sex, talk about sex and want sex all the time. Can you imagine what I'm going to be like when I hit my peak? Poor TH....or better yet....Poor Energizer Bunny. Here's a stock tip for you now: Invest in Engerizer Battery stock. Their sales will go thru the roof in a few years. I will be their main comsumer. You may also want to invest in the porn companies like Vivid Video, Anabolic and Diabolic. I will be a heavy viewer of their material.

Lately, I've complained that things haven't been as frisky around the household. Both TH and I are physically unable to do anything other than sleep and eat. Such is the cost of dieting and working out to the extreme. I know that I shouldn't be so critical. Every married couple has their slumps. Yes, it's very romantic to cuddle and hold each other. But, that only lasts for 30 seconds or so and we're snoring and drooling on each other. Nothing is sexier than your spouse crawling into bed groaning and complaining they're pretty sure they pulled a groin muscle doing lunges.

Not only has my quality time with TH been compromised, but my "quality time" with myself has hit the skids. In the past, I was always looking for a bit of alone time to test out new toys or watch a new vid. Now, if you give me 10 minutes to myself, I catching a few zzz's or packing up my gym bag for the next day. Ladies and Gents, I haven't bought myself a new toy in a month and a half. This is a new record! I can't believe the guys at the toy store haven't set out a search part for me.

Even thought I'm exhausted to the core, I'm not brain dead. My loins still have some fire and it seems to flare up at the most inappropriate times:

I'm in kickboxing class yesterday. I'm not thinking about sex, I'm just trying to breathe and make through the hour of hell. The room is sweltering and the instructor thought it would be fun to throw in some complicated moves for us uncoordinated folks. The instructor is an decent looking guy. Not my type, but I'd shag him in a pinch. I'm trying to kick, elbow and jab at the same time without hitting my fellow suffragettes, when I caught a look at his butt. I'd never really noticed it before. It's kinda nice. All round looking in his gym pants. He was standing in front of me and we started doing some back and forth punching sequences. We started on the forward part when I caught a whiff of his cologne. Again, not my thing, but it worked. Great, now I'm horny. I have 15 minutes left of combat torture and I've got sex on the brain.

When working out in the weight room, it is imperative that I wear headphones with my iPod on at top volume. We have a large population of gorgeous, Brazilian men on the Cape and they all work out at my gym. I am steadfastly convinced that the sounds a guy makes when he's pumping weights is the same sound he makes when he's pumping other things. They're both aerobic activities and require concentration and effort. If I don't have Brittany Spears singing about a Circus in my head, then I feel like I'm in the middle of an orgy. Beautiful, exotic men all grunting and flexing. It's like I'm watching porn while I'm working out. I'm pretty sure I've lost a bit of my hearing in the past few days due to jamming up the volume on my iPod. It's killing me.

I hope Princess HASAY realizes what I have been giving up in my quest for a bikini body. I think I might try to bribe TH with a cheesecake and see if he might take a day off with me to let our bodies rest. I've gotta get me some soon!

8 comments:

  1. Skip the gym one day and exercise with your man;)

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  2. Hope K doesn't get blue balls. It's painful stuff.

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  3. "Beautiful, exotic men all grunting and flexing. It's like I'm watching porn while I'm working out. " I think I just peed myself a little laughing! Poor CCG. If it makes you feel any better I haven't got any in a week because of the crap shift my hubby is on.

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  4. Mkay, I hate going to the gym, do you wanna know why? People pull their "sex face" in there. When they're straining really hard or exhausted....that's their sex face. Think about it, or don't.

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  5. Too much working out makes CCG a dull girl, huh? There's no need to work out that much if you're working out at home.

    I hate the gym for so many reasons...

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  6. Oh, you poor thing. Yes I am super impressed that you've been kicking it up a notch lately. Some of us don't get in the mood much anymore since there's always a kid screaming in the house and it puts a damper on anything and everything. Take the weekend off and get it on.

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  7. I'm 49 and I think I remember my peak. Sigh.

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  8. I wish my kickboxing instructor was hot. That would definitely motivate me to go more often!

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