32 years ago today at precisely 11:22 am, I popped out of my mothers WooHA and into this big crazy world. Yes, lovers, today is B Day. The day that the world celebrates me.
I hate my birthday. I hate it with a vengeance. Not for the obvious reasons: I'm getting older, I'm closer to death than I was last year, I'm getting old, Fat doesn't melt off my body as quickly as it did 5 years ago, I'm getting older.....yada yada yada. I don't care about that. Those factors are uncontrollable. It's just that ever since I was old enough for birthdays to count (that would be 13 and up), I have never had a good birthday. No ones ever thrown me a huge surprise party or any party for that measure, I've never gotten that awesome present and ever since I moved out of my parents house, I've never had someone make me a cake. Ever year it gets worse. It's like Fate is trying to out do herself every year. Let's see what she can do this year to really piss me off. Last year was no different. TH forgot my birthday. The first year of marital bliss and my husband forgets it's my birthday. He tried to stick a band aid on the catastrophe by stating that he had remembered weeks before when he bought me the concert tickets as a gift, but didn't remember to actually give them to me on this particular day. This was after he came home from the office extra late that night. After he raged for 1/2 hour about his terrible day as I sat on the couch listening like the dutiful wife all the while thinking, "Did he really forget it's my birthday or is this some crazy plot that will end up in a surprise." No surprise. Only a horrified look in his eyes after I asked him if he knew what day it was. It took about 10 seconds for him to come around to full panic. He had committed the ultimate sin and I haven't let him forget it. Payback is a mean bitch.
I have decided to let this day pass by without any fanfare. I don't think any of my guys know it's my birthday and I seriously doubt if any of them care. Fancy Pants knows and I have threatened him with bodily harm not to tell anyone. I even threatened to hire a stripper for his next birthday. The look for fear in his eyes was wonderful. He knew I would do it too. I told him that he would probably make me cry if he told. He told me that he just might because he's never seen me cry before and was wondering if I knew how.
I'm celebrating this day for myself. I'm gonna eat a big nasty BLA(Bacon, Lettuce and Avocado) sandwich with a huge side of pasta salad for lunch. I'm gonna have a cupcake with cream cheese frosting and a side of half sour pickle spears (don't ask...it's my thing. I don't actually eat them together). Then I'm gonna work off all those calories with a huge kickboxing class and then eat a big ole plate of sushi for dinner.
Oh...and TH knows. I've reminded him every day for the past week.