Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Random Tuesday - Drivers Style

  • Every time I park in a large parking lot (10 or more spaces), I lose my car. I never remember where I park it. Even if I make a point to remember, I will forget. I am that person standing outside the mall with a clueless look on my face.
  • You know those young guys who wear their pants around their thighs and have their boxers showing above their belts? Do you ever have the urge to run over and hike their pants up? There was a guy in front of me in line the other day and I had to put my hands in my pockets to restrain myself. Don't they know how stupid they look?
  • I cannot parallel park a car. I just can't. If I try, I usually manage to get the front in okay, but the ass end of the car always sticks out in the road. I've been known to drive around the block 10 times or more until two contiguous spots open up and I can slide right in. Big K has offered to teach me on more than one occasion and I always get frustrated.
  • The other day in kickboxing class, the instructor, (much to my disdain) decided to use the last 5 minutes of class to promote his new Hip Hop Dance Fit class. He was making us (begrudgingly) shimmy and shake our upper bodies while yelling "Shake 'em, girls". I hate to dance on command so I yelled back "I don't have anything to shake." In typical smart ass fashion he yelled back "Then shake your nipples."
  • I am 32 years old. I know that I should be reading Vanity Fair, Vogue, Marie Claire and Cosmo. Instead I read Martha Stuart Living, Better Homes and Gardens, Fine Cooking, and Good Housekeeping. I have the mind of a 60 year old woman.
  • While driving, if you allow someone to go in front of you and they don't give the "thank you" wave you should be allowed to punt them with your car.
  • You know that lunatic woman who is standing in the greeting card aisle reading all the cards and laughing her ass off. Yup, that's me.
  • I can never fit anything large in the trunk of my car because I am convinced that I will be the victim of a roadside disaster and I need to take precautions. That is why I am prepared with a gallon jug of water, a mini tool kit, a contractor size garbage bag, jumper cables, two tie down ratchet straps, a package of zip ties, my reusable shopping bags, a first aid kit, a small roll of twine, and two different sized windshield snow scrapers. You know, just in case.
  • When I drive, I'm in my own little world. (sometimes Vin Diesel is there with me) People often get mad at me because I drive passed them and don't wave. It's not because I was being rude. I literally did not see them...even if they're in the lane next to me. I drive with my head firmly up my ass.


  1. Punting is a perfectly acceptable response to a no Thank you wave.

    I didn't see latex gloves and a box of condoms in that emergency kit of yours. I mean really you can never be too careful.

    See the woman standing next to that other woman in the greeting card aisle? That would be me.

  2. I think torching the ass of the "I'm too good to give the Thank You Wave" with a grill-mounted flamethrower would be an adequate response.

  3. Parallel parking is such an unnecessary evil. Make roadways wider, then we can all park the way God and Ford intended.

    I love your new blog look! Sorry if I'm a little late in noticing, for I walk around in life with my head up my ass :)


  4. I failed parallel parking on my driving test. The evaluator just told me "Don't go downtown" I can do it now though.

  5. You should get one of those big orange bike flags and duct tape it to the side of your car. Then you could find it easier.

  6. "a contractor size garbage bag"

    Like a bodybag??? Did you learn that from Martha?

  7. -While driving, if you allow someone to go in front of you and they don't give the "thank you" wave you should be allowed to punt them with your car.-

    I usually don't wave at those people at the stop sign who try to go at the same time I do and then "graciously" let me go when I was clearly the first one there. Oh how nice of them to let me take my rightful turn!! lol I have a feeling you're talking about letting someone turn in when you have the right of way though, right? In that case, yes, punt away.

  8. Your trunk (car) is highly organized. I'm impressed. I'm pretty sure judging from the smell coming from mine that I have a dead body in mine.

  9. Those young guys with their pants down past their ass? I have been known to channel my inner old woman and yell at them to pull their pants up.

    I also enjoy the elder oriented mags. I'm not yet 30.

    I'm not sure what's wrong with not being able to parallel park. I have been known to drive downtown, attempt (badly) to park and then switch places with Hotty Hubby so that HE can park the car.

  10. Now I need to update my trunk with the necessary items. Right now, I've only got spare diapers and wipes (which believe me, have come in handy on more than one occasion).

  11. I also lose my car. And I can never remember where anything is at the grocery store. My husband has to direct me or we'd never leave.

    When I was a kid, and my mom would take me shopping somewhere, she'd drop me off in the cards section, and no matter how much time later she came back, I'd still be there, straightening and organizing the cards. Thank God I outgrew that.

  12. I, too, have a full trunk with everything that I just might need should the world come to an abrupt stop. In the front console and glove compartment, I have bottled water, snacks, a centerpunch to break the window if I end up submerged in water, scissors, a seatbelt cutter, tape, a corkscrew, a secret stash, glow stix in case the flashlight dies and I need to be spotted and the giant orange whistle my husband gave me for Christmas. Yeah, I'm prepared!

    The backup parking sensors on my car have done wonders for my parallel parking, but I'll still make one trip around the block before I give it a try.