Friday, March 6, 2009

Spending Too Much Time In The Throne Room

I have a serious beef to pick with you men. It's something that has always irked me and frankly, I'm just getting sick of it. It's the amount of time that you spend in the bathroom. I know that this stigma has always been place on women. We're in there forever, we're always doing our hair, blah blah blah. At least you can come in while were hogging the mirror. You're in there for hours with the door closed. What the hell are you doing in there?

For example:

When TH gets home from the office, visiting commode is the first stop on his list of things to do. He'll make a beeline for the master bathroom. He sets the mood by putting on a CD or the television at a volume that can be heard across the street even though he is in the next room. He grabs his latest periodical, magazines and such, and ascends the throne. I will be lucky if I see him for the next 45 minutes to and hour. He claims he is truthfully going to the bathroom. I told him that if it takes that long for things to move, we're investing in a case of Fiber bars and making a doctors appointment.

I've heard all the excuses for these leisurely visits to the loo. -- "It gives me a break from the kids, I'm having some "me time", It's the only place I get peace....". -- Well, we don't have any kids, he can have all the "me time" in the world and we live in a house that has 3 bedrooms. If he needs some peace, he has lots of room to move about. If he's taking too long, I just crack the door and send the dogs in. Nothing makes you more uncomfortable than having two dogs stare at you while you're warming the crapper.

Isn't it uncomfortable? Don't your legs fall asleep? Don't you get the imprint of the seat on your legs? Why on earth would you want to relax in there surrounded by your own stink?

I'm not one of those women that pretends that this necessary act is above me. I do it. I just don't make an entire process out of it. I will admit I have brought the phone in there with me a time or too. But, it's a quick trip - in and out. I don't play music, bring literature and pack up like I'm spending a day in another town.

What is it about men and their relationship with "john"?


  1. My wife wonders the same thing.

    I can't vouch for all men, but look at it this way: If you had a bunch of deposits to make, wouldn't you rather do it all at once instead of a couple of times throughout the day?

  2. Hehehe! My legs always fall asleep if I'm there for more than a couple minutes. It's just another weird guy thing, but I tell you it starts young. My kid takes like four trucks, motorcycles and whatever else he can get in his arms to go take a dump.

    He's in there forever, and I try to tell him it's not playtime, but he will not change. You cannot rush that kid out of the crapper for anything.

  3. My husband annoys me the same way. He takes a book in there, and I keep telling him the bathroom isn't the freaking public library, read someplace else. It would be different if he used the half bath for his sabbaticals, because no one else uses it, and he could sleep in there for all I care. And I have also mentioned the fiber bars. He won't eat them, they give him gas.

  4. I gotta admit, I've been known to take my book in there with me, but legs fall asleep if I'm there for more than a couple minutes.

    Hotty Hubby could make a career out of bathroom visits. It's especially annoying when he goes in, makes a stink, and then leaves the door open when he comes back out. Ugh.

    And Lola said, it starts early. My son takes his mags in there (he's 4) and won't come out for hours.

  5. I LOVE going to the bathroom. It is wonderful. And not only that, I want everyone else to love me going to the bathroom to. That's why I leave the door open. And yes, I turn the TV up so I can hear it. Of course, that's also while I'm reading a magazine. But I don't want to miss anything.

    It's so relaxing. MJ bitches at me CONSTANTLY about this but I will never change. I love my bathroom time. Leave Big K alone. You're a woman. That means you automatically have annoying habits that we have to put up with. This is your penance.

  6. I am a woman and I regularly read magazines in the bathroom...I'll admit to that. I feel liberated now...thanks and happy Friday!

  7. JR doesn't do this Thank God. He has plenty of other annoying habits just not this one.

  8. Not me dude....I do my bid'ness and get the hell out, usually 3 or 4 minutes and done. Several times a day, granted, but I think I spend a total of half hour in the bathroom a day, including a 15 minute shower. My wife on the other hand, probably spends 2 hours a day in the bathroom. PLEASE, I ain't stupid, she can't avoid me and the kids that long, I send em in.

  9. I have the same problem with my husband! What is he DOING in there??

  10. I think the music or TV is to cover the sound of him pooping. We put on "poop music" around here...

  11. Ha! What man doesn't spend that kinda time on the crapper? My hubby takes his iPod in to hook it up to the little speaker we have...lovely...