Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Random Tuesday - 'Cause I Want Too!!

  • I cannot eat a banana in my office. I try to be stealthy, but someone always catches me. This evokes laughter and blow job comments. The average maturity level here is about 12 years old. Don't even get me started on the reaction to lollipops. I love me a good blow pop, but the abuse is too much.
  • The other day I successfully unhooked and removed my garter belt while seated at my desk in my office. No one saw and I was rather proud of myself. The lace on it was itchy, I had to get it off and I didn't feel like making the trip to the ladies room
  • I hate the spell check on my Crackberry. Every time I text the word "fuck" it changes it to "duck". If I don't catch it, my messages look kinda funny. Stuff like "Where is that ducking file? What the duck is wrong with you?" or "Where the duck are you? I've been waiting for ten ducking minutes" You get the idea.
  • Have you ever looked a guy and wondered how he landed such a beautiful wife. I know a guy like this. He is a tool. A nice guy, but a HUGE tool and not very attractive. His wife is classy, elegant and sophisticated. I'm convinced he must have a 14 inch penis. It's the only logical way.
  • The time change has totally messed with my head. Granted, it is only an hour, but I'm seriously screwed up. Thank God I never travel and have to deal with time zones. I would be a mess.
  • If I am wearing an outfit that has a sash or some other part that ties or hangs below my waist, I will inevitably find a way to dip it in the toilet when I sit down to pee. It happens every time.
  • I once kept a container of tuna salad in my refrigerator for 3 weeks. I had some leftover from a sandwich and was going to bring it into the office for lunch. I forgot. 4 days later I found it in the back of the top shelf. Not wanting to deal with the smell of cleaning out the plastic container (I'm a Natzi recycler), I left it in there until it was time to take out the garbage. I forgot and continued to forget until one day I just threw the whole thing out, container and all. To my great, great, great grandchildren....I am sorry for ruining the world with my carbon foot print. There was no way I was opening that container. It all had turned to liquid and the possible stench would have blown a hole in the ozone layer.
  • Everyday a man rides his bike passed my office carrying a huge garbage bag on the handlebars. I'm guessing he's on his way to the laundry mat up the street. There is something about him that makes me feel sorry for him. I'm not sure why. For all I know, he's lost his license due to a drunk driving charge. I don't think he's trying to save the environment by biking to his errands. He's really greasy and trashy looking.
  • I'm on a goatee kick lately. Men with goatees are hot! I'm always trying to get TH to grow one.
  • I recently found out that many men in gay porn are not gay. Gay porn pays way more money than straight porn. Up to $5,000 per scene. If you gave me $5,000, I'm pretty sure I could be gay for a scene. If my co-star was Pamela Anderson, I would do it for half that much!


  1. I need to email you a comment but #3 I am totally hearing you on that one. My mobile phone always want to spell check when I put in LaLa so have to spell it out la la.

  2. I can see where #3 would be annoying. Sometimes you just have to use the word fuck.

    I am in complete awe of your porn knowledge.

  3. I might need a cold shower now.

    Blow job innuendo's, garter belts, and a girl-on-girl porn scene with Ms. Anderson?

    Hooo, boy.

  4. I'm thinking that if you're a guy and you blow another guy or take it up the pooper that you're GAY or at least BI!

    I don't believe there is a gray area here, and I don't think money could change things for most straight dudes.

    Chicks, they can get away with playing gay for a day. Guys, I don't think so.

  5. Kat: See...those stripper names will come back and haunt you! I'll look forward to the emailed comment!

    Michele: I use fuck WAY too much. I try to tone it down, but these guys get me so nuts it all comes flowing out.

    My porn knowledge amazes everyone. I must look really innocent from the outside.

    BadAss: Honey, I'm always here to get you crazy.

    Lola: My thoughts, exactly! I'm thinking it some weird sorta kinky thing with them. Some of their girlfriends watched the scenes and even helped "fluff" them. I just watched in awe!

  6. Somehow I doubt women make extra cash for the girl-on-girl. Women are just more attractive creatures. Being gay isn't a huge stretch for us ;)

    Also, apparently we're inherently masochistic, because I know lots of beautiful, intelligent & successful women who are married to Tools, too.

  7. One of many reasons I ditched the Crackberry. It took away my ability to curse without thinking.

    Two thumbs up on the stealth-like-ninja garter belt removal! I wouldn't be so graceful!!!

  8. The answer is yes. I do have a 14-inch penis and that is how I got my wife. Thank you for including me in one of your posts.

  9. Bananas ... lollipops ... and don't forget the ice cream cone!

    Incredibly large penis or incredibly large bank account.

  10. I would guess that the trash bag dude killed someone and is removing them a body part at a time as to not raise any eyebrows.

    I would laugh at the banana and blow pop too, sorry. I'm twelve and apparently a boy.

    That ducking tuna salad must have been ducking disgusting.

  11. Wow...I didn't know woman still wore garter belts....I only wear those suckers if they are coming off reeeeaaally quickly. *wink,wink*

  12. I don't know why the hell my wife married me.


  13. Big penis AND big bank account, I'm guessing. And possibly a dead MIL. Those things might lead me to marry a complete tool.