Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Random Tuesday - Southern Style

Due to my recent vacation down to Tennessee, I thought I would hit you all up, Southern style
  • The finally tally on my weekend binge eating was 13 Corndogs, 10 Krispy Kreme donuts and 5-6 tons of barbecue type food. I have started to detox already. I have only gained 3 pounds after stuffing my pie hole for four days but I feel disgusting. I also have a splitting headache from sugar withdrawal. I can't believe I did that to myself.
  • I noticed that you have to specifically ask for "unsweetened" ice tea in the South. If you don't, you get "Sweet Tea". It is the most vile, nasty, sugary stuff in the world. TH loves it. He drank at least 5-6 gallons of it while we were there and thus, he peed every 12 minutes. We don't have Sweet Tea up north. Thank God. That stuff is gross.
  • I stick out like a sore thumb in the South. Every girl down there looks like she has been attacked by the make up ladies at Bloomingdale's. I don't wear lots of make up; maybe a little bronzer, mascara and blush. And I certainly didn't get all gussied up to go to a race track. These girls are made up like beauty pageant contestants. They definitely abide by the rule of "putting your face on before you leave the house."
  • You also need to have a fake tan in the South. Everyone is bronze. There is a tanning center at every corner. My pasty, winter white, Irish skin introduced me as a Northerner before I even opened my Yankee mouth. Of course, the results of the fake baking was clear as day on the older generations. Half of the women had skin like a lizard handbag.
  • And finally, you must have big hair in the South. The bigger the better. I stepped into the ladies room at one restaurant and was overcome by the hairspray these women were using. If the hairs not big, it's sprayed, gelled or shellacked up into some God awful creation. These women must have spent hours getting ready. All I did was shower, throw my hair in a baseball cap and hit the road.
  • Every single food franchise is represented on Route 11E in Johnson City, TN. I've never seen so many fast food places in my life.
  • There seems to be a contest amongst everyone to see how much stuff you can fit on your front porch. It was not uncommon for people to have 2-3 appliances, a couple of couches and even a bathtub on their front porch.
  • Beer is sold at convenience stores. Liquor and wine are sold at "liquor stores". This confuses the hell outta me. I went to a gas station/convenience store that has a "Beer Cave". There is another convenience store that you can pull up to a drive thru window and order a keg, a bucket of chicken and other assorted items. They'll just pass them thru and you never have to leave your car.
  • There are no gyms or fitness centers. I couldn't find one. It seems that being healthy is not a priority. Alcohol, lard and nicotine are first and foremost. Everyone smokes. Yet, every facility is non-smoking. You have to walk thru a smoke screen to get in a restaurant.
  • Southern men are just gorgeous.....the ones that are in shape from some manual labor or just blessed with good genes. They all drive huge pickups and wear jeans and work boots. I spent a majority of the weekend with very damp panties. I love me a good Roughneck


  1. I like the idea of the drive-thru beer-mart.

  2. LMAO
    Sweet tea is great. It just has to be made right. The thing that grosses ME out in the south is that breakfast comes with grits. They just lurk there in a bowl, and come with everything you order.

    It is a sad day when you find a place that has no Krispy Kreme. The horror! They even sell them in the grocery stores here. Mmmmm. Way better than Dunkin by a mile.

    We certainly have beer caves in Ohio, that's not just a southern thang. We have drive thru's also, and one in specific I love that has pizza and hoagies as well as the rest of it, and makes the biggest pizza you'll ever see. You need to move. =D

    I have to tell my sister about this. She lives in the south and I visit her there all the time, and I have yet to see her wear big hair or pageant show makeup, or get a fake tan. It must just be TN, because it's not like that in the REAL south. LOL She also doesn't smoke, and used to work out at Curves (her current small town doesn't have one).

    Anyway, I love southern BBQ, it's about the only place you can get real pit, and nothing goes better with it than sweet tea. I'm so jealous.

  3. The hunky Southern men are not only gorgeous and do amazing things to a pair of Levi's but they are polite. I can never hear, "yes ma'am" (said as 4 syllables)without getting damp pantie syndrome.

    Totally agree on the sweet tea. Nasty vile stuff.

  4. We have drive thru liquor stores here in IL and yes, we buy our beer at the gas station. Some gas stations sell beer by the can, you know, for the drive home.

  5. Ha! I love it when Yankees come south! I'm from Knoxville, TN and even I don't go to the JC!!! I'll admit though, you might need a few WEEKS of detox:)

  6. Yes yes, sweet tea ain't right. You know even in these parts in DC they sell it at McDonald's? Yeah ... not right.

    The south is wrong for soooo many reasons but only us "yanks" feel that way. If it's all you know, clearly you don't think anything of it.

    I was at a party two weeks ago and they were discussing college football or basketball or some other such thing I don't give a shit about .... and a woman said, "YAY! They south WILL rise again!!" And I replied ...."Ugh ... I don't know anything about that. I'm from a free state." This has basically been my reply to any sort of bassackwards comments I've heard through the years.

    I'm just a crazy west coast tree huggin' hippy or something. What do I know?

  7. Um eww on the sweet tea. That's just disgusting. Sounds like I wouldn't fit in very well there either. I'm against the tanned, make up laden, big haired look. It's just too time consuming. Time that could be better spent ogling the jeans clad southern men.

    I think I need a trip to the South. Mmm.

  8. I'm a bit shocked by the prevalence of the fake tan - I would associate that w/LA more so than down south, but what do I know? (Nothing about either, actually.)

    I agree w/your assessment of the sweet tea - ick.

  9. Haha, well I'd take offense but FL isn't really the south. We're a melting pot where people come to die so it's more like Cocoon, the remake.

    I don't have a fake tan and I never wear makeup, ever. I do wear mascara and a bit of eyeshadow if I'm going to a wedding or funeral.

    That sounds terrible though, the made up beauty pageant contestants. Ugh.

  10. Okay, this is my favorite post of yours!!! I actually LIVE in the south and must say that everything you said is totally accurate. I'll also say that I am the "weird" southern chick because I don't tan, drink sweet tea, over-apply makeup, or fill my front porch with every godforsaken knick-knack I can think of.

    One thing I love about the south??? The hot cowboys that roam my state in Wranglers, cowboy hats, chaps and spurs. DAMN. Come to Texas sometime!!!

  11. Oh, we have several fake tanners 'round these parts, too. Sure, it's nice to be tan, hides a multitude of sins, but SCARY wrinkles are coming their way!

    I've never tried sweet tea, and if it's that sweet, I never want to. Glad you're back amongst the pale, unsweetened New Englanders.

  12. It must be the girls in Tennessee because S. Carolina girls are all about minimal hair teasing and makeup. We do love our sweet tea and muscular manual laborers though...mmmmhummmm.

  13. Oh and sweet tea should never be so sweet that it makes your fillings hurt, that is just crappy tea. Mine would make you fall in love, promise.