Thursday, January 29, 2009

That Boy Is Poison

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

I believe in soul mates. I believe that there is one person out there whose soul is perfectly matched with yours. If you are lucky, it is the person that you fell in love with, married and are blissfully spending the rest of your livelong days with in perfect harmony.

I did not. My soul mate is poison.

I met, lets call him X, a little over 11 years ago. We became fast friends; nothing physical, just friends. We talked alot on the phone and hung out down by the beach. I was dating my ex boyfriend at the time and soon began dating TH. X and I still spent time together and talked on the phone every few days. His job required him to work with my company and we saw each other quite frequently.
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

TH never liked X. He always said that X wanted me and I was just too silly to know it. Maybe that was true, but I didn't see it that way. I love being around him and talking to him. It was a drug. It made me feel good. He made me feel special, always listened to me with interest and made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. We clicked perfectly. I never once felt anything other than friendship and never once gave X a reason to think otherwise. (He had some large personality flaws that I found a distasteful, thus negating any chance for romantic love) I was quickly falling head over heels in love with TH and knew that he was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Life was amazing. I had two unbelievable men in my life. One I loved with all my heart and one that made my soul feel whole.

TH (FINALLY!) proposed on Christmas Eve after 8 years of dating.

X was one of the first few that I called with my happy news. He was silent for a moment and the said something that torn my heart from my chest. "You know that you're just doing it for the money."

Money? What money? I knew that X was jealous of TH's success, but did he really think that I was that kind of person? My soul cracked at that very moment. We just broke. Things have never been the same. Nothing has ever been the same since that day.

If I called X, he would be distant, mean spirited and cruel. Then he would be kind, then cruel, then kind. But I still called him. I couldn't stop.

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it Just a little bit more to get me through it.

I'm not stupid. By this time, I had obviously figured out that he felt more for me than I did for him. But I felt I had to call him. My chest would hurt if I thought about it and didn't call. It felt like pieces of me were missing. Why couldn't I have the love of my life and my soul mate too? Life just wasn't fair.

I decided to put an end to it. I was hurting myself and him too. I called and told him that we couldn't speak or see each other ever again. He agreed.

Well, that lasted for 3 months. I broke down and called him. He was kind and then verbally stabbed me again. Another piece of my soul broke off.

I've never had an addiction to anything bad - drugs, alcohol, etc - my personality just doesn't support it. But, clearly, I am addicted to X. If this is what it is like trying to come clean from a substance abuse problem, than I admire those who have succeeded. Never in my life have I worked so hard for something.

It's been 6 months. I have deleted his number from my cell phone (I'm happy I never memorized it) and I stay away from his usual haunts. I am slowly coming clean. There was a small incident this past Christmas. I returned home from Christmas Eve festivities and saw a missed text on my cell phone. It was just three words "Merry Christmas Serena. The number looked familiar, but I couldn't place it with a name. Then a chill went down my spine and I ran upstairs to check my old phone book. It was him. I sat on that text for 12 hours before I sent one back: "You too."

I still feel like a part of me is missing, like I'm not whole inside. Like any drug, I know that X is bad for me. But, I would give anything for a fix right now.

17 comments:

  1. Stay strong girl. It will only come back to bite you in the end.

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  2. I can be your replacement X, if you need one.

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  3. It is sad when you see a friend and he sees a love. But you did the right thing. Not for yourself, but for him.

    It sucks when you are forced to make a choice but I believe you made the right one. You lost someone, but you gained someone too.

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  4. Maybe I'm just a jealous prick, but I'm with Big K on this one. If my wife told me she had a male soul mate and it wasn't me, I would be LIVID!! And if I knew he was a prick yet she continued to pine for his attention and companionship...well, let's just say there would be serious issues.

    I get having friends of the opposite sex. That's perfectly natural and I understand that. But another man who is your soul mate and it pains you not to see him? I just don't get it. Especially since he seems to be a real asshole with that money comment.

    I say good riddance.

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  5. Kat: That is exactly what I'm thinking!

    Badass: You're a love! I think of you as a little brother. I hate my real one, so you've replaced him.

    Bella: I agree with you! I got the best man!

    Daddyfiles: You're not a jealous prick. You're human. I would feel the same way if the situations were reversed. I'm not "pining" for him, I just miss him. It's hard to explain. But, he is a total prick. I realize that, now. It's just taking some time for it to sink in.

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  6. Eek, I hate that feeling. It took me years to get over my version of that guy. Even after I fell in love with Jamie, I still thought about X and where and what he was up to. I had to break it off too, any communication is bad communication. I hope you can keep away. BTW, this week's spin cycle is about music that reminds you of your life, you should link up. It's perfect (go to sprite's keeper for more info, this is NOT a paid advertisement).

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  7. Casey: I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. It's a tough deal, but my sanity is worth it!

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  8. Diamond: I know how hard it is to quit something 'cold turkey'. I was a smoker. I started smoking more than 10 years ago. I loved my Marlboro Lights - the ritual of it, the smell, the way it made me feel, I looked forward to it, especially in times of stress- I needed it. Some would say I was dependent on it- and yet, I still loved it. Until August 22nd @ 6:10 p.m. when I got the first (of 6) positive pregnancy tests. I am proud to say I have not picked one up since. That is not to say I don't think about it, long for it, and wonder if I'll ever have it again - but rationally, I remember how hard it was giving it up -the raw emotions - and somehow I know - there is no going back.........good for you for never smoking - but tread lightly where your "Marlboro Man" is concerned......Those with big hearts wound easily!
    -Morvy

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  9. Been there done that, for YEARS! It's not good for you or your hubs. The emotional connection you feel for X is robbing you and hubs of pure, honest intimacy on all levels. A book I am reading right now...A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson a regular on Oprah's radio, talks about what we learn from relationships. And...just because it didn't/wouldn't work out with the "soul mate" you were joined together to learn something. You should take what you've learned...like what you don't want in a relationship, his cruel comments, etc, and just thank him and the stars that aligned you and wish him well! It's time to be totally devoted to hubs and your relationship with him...don't you think? Getting off my soapbox now....Lisa

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  10. I have a similar person in my life, or should I say, WAS in my life, but I am proud to say, it's been nearly a year since I finally just quit cold turkey. I ignored texts, myspace pleas, and finally, he stopped trying to contact me. He was nothing but trouble, and would continue to rip my heart to tiny pieces if I let him. You're better off. I'm not going to say it will ever go away, the missing him part, because for me it hasn't. But each day that went by, I thought about him less. I know if I gave in even once, we'd be right back at the beginning all over again. You can bury the feelings, but never truly rid yourself of them.

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  11. God bless the broken road that led me straight to you ...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPC75VK38Qw

    I have an X ... and although I haven't seen him in over 20 years, I think about him all the time. I think a big part of not being able to let go is the "what if" and the fact that it was left undone.

    It also feels good to think that there is an X out there for us ... like a safety net.

    But I do believe that all things happen for a reason and all things lead us to the next.

    Find a place to tuck X away. You won't forget, you won't stop wondering, but he needs to be tucked away.

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  12. You know the answer to this dilemna...you just don't LIKE the answer. Some people change and grow and some people don't, and they felt like they got left behind. A true friend would be happy for you, not mean and spiteful. Big K is a bigger man than I.

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  13. Morvy: Congrad on quitting smoking! The health of the little one is the best reward.
    When's he due again?

    cws2mom: I think I learned alot from my poison friendship. I'm proud of my 6 month chip! Thanks for the advice! I check out that book.

    Heather: It gets easier the more time passes. Everytime I get and urge I think of how awful he made me feel. It's like fattening food. Even though you know it tastes great, you know it was make you fat in the end.

    Debbie: Seems like everyone's got some X in their past. I'm happy to say that he's been tucked away for 6 months and keeps getting buried more.

    Cameron: You're right! I hate the answer and I'm trying to be a big girl and deal with it! Big K is the man! The best man! You run a very close 3rd, though. After Badass :)

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  14. You're doing the right thing staying away. I've had a few of those from way back, and I'm always happy when I first bump into them around town, but then they always bring up some stupid shit that makes me realize that we're better off not bumping into each other.

    Keep up the fight, girl. Big K is the better man if he didn't smack that guy. I would have, and I'm a chick!

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  15. Yeah, I really know what you're going through.

    Only I have my X's number memorized. And his AIM screen name. Etc.

    And I texted him a couple recently and he never replied.

    He's a douchebag. Like a really big douchebag.

    Ugh.

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  16. I haven't read your blog lately so now I'm really out of the loop.
    And whenever I go to your page I wonder why I don't read it every day because it's that awesome.

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  17. I also have an X who still haunts me. But it's just in my head. In reality, we haven't been in touch for a long time and it's killing me.

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